Dear Adam Levine, This Could Be All Yours

The empty space next to Adam Levine isn’t even cold yet (although, it never is) and Jennifer Loves Anymanwithapulse is already trying to hop on that shit. I guess you have to strike while the iron is still in rebound mode. JLove is on Ellen (via People) today to promote The Client List and she let the world know that she’d love Adam Levine to warm her cold lonely heart by pulling out and knocking off her vajazzle stones with his jizz stream. The Jennifer Aniston of basic cable made a play for Blake Shelton’s girl when she said this:

“I always have my eyes out. I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again … I’m just saying. Look, we would be cute.”

I love how she casually says “just read.” JLove, stop acting like we don’t know you have “celebrity splits” in your Google Alerts and every time one comes up, you immediately stop reading Live Alone and Hate It to catch yourself a husband. Look in the mirror, JLove (skip to 0:34):

By the way, in that clip I’m Hazel, obviously, and every Dlisted commenter is the skinny grey hen with a sitcom waitress accent.

I swear, Adam Levine is a tattooed bag of douche water, but JLove needs to stop. I’m sure pretty sure Adam Levine only gets with Victoria’s Secret models and Old Square Britches Hewitt isn’t allowed in a Victoria’s Secret, because she always breaks down in the dressing room about how even the stuffed animals on her bed don’t care when she dresses up in sexy lingerie for them. Oh, JLove, never change. Sparkle on, you crazy, desperate vajazzle diamond, you.

Happy “Somebody PLEASE Pay Attention To Me” Day, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Because Jennifer Love Hewitt is a shy, private and demure person, she celebrated her 33rd birthday yesterday at the long-running headquarters for fame eaters that is The Ivy. THE IVY: Where THIRSTAY hos can quench their thirst on $30 lemonade and camera flashes.

JLove, who is seriously the prototype for every desperate sadling on The Bachelor, screamed for the paparazzi to scratch her attention spot by flashing all kinds of signs that read shit like “Happy Birthday 2 Me,” “Watch The Client List In April,” and “Bye Pappos.” You know, I shade JLove often for taking desperate to whole new desperate levels, but these pictures are kind of refreshing. Because usually if JLove’s holding a sign, it reads: I NEED A MAN!!!!!!!!

It feels unnatural posting pictures of The Ivy without The Ivy’s forever Poison Ivy Queen in them, so I was moved to do this:

And now I can exhale.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As Kim Kuntrashian served up a paper plate full of lukewarm publicity stunt, Kirk Douglas, who has volunteered at the L.A. Mission since the beginning of time, NOM NOM NOM-ed on a piece of turkey. The world could’ve been ending around Kirk, but he wouldn’t have noticed since all of his focus was put into gumming the hell out of that turkey. Kirk eat, prayed and loved that piece of turkey. This pussy knows what I’m talking about. Before I recreate these pictures with a dinner roll dipped in cooking wine, I just want to wish all you sluts a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for giving my posts your eyes even though I talk about dick fromage and anuses all the time. So I’m thankful for that and thankful that dick fromage exists so I can talk about it all the time.

It’s true that us Americans only have Thanksgiving dinner so that we can build up our strength for the Running of the Assholes at midnight tonight. You know, that’s when we all gather at Best Buy and kill each other as we run toward a 5% off 3D Plasma TV. It’s like the capitalist version of The Hunger Games. So I hope that when you knee me in the dick and chin me in the nipple to keep me from grabbing at that 3D Plasma TV, you do so with love. We’re practically family!

A Very Special STUNT QUEEN Thanksgiving Starring Kim Kuntrashian

Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word “desperate” goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn’t look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like “real people” and acting like she didn’t drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we’d still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told.

And haven’t the homeless people been through enough? They’re already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Posing Is This?

Eyes darting for the nearest exit, hos swallowing a yawn and a gallery of looks straight out of Faces Of Meh could only mean one thing: Jennifer Love Hewitt is trying to bring the sex again. JLove took a break from acting an episode of The Bachelorette with her stuffed animal collection to put on a titties and pits show at the Breaking Dawn premiere in L.A. last night. It went over as well a fart during ass eating. It went over as well as that joke.

I mean, I can appreciate that this heffa hiked her bronzed chichis up to the high heavens and I’ve always been a fan of the “airing out my weave pits” pose, but does she realize where she is? Twihards care about tits as much as they care about having some dignity! They are already desperate enough. They don’t need any of the servings of desperation JLove is throwing at them with her come hither poses. This is just another sad case of not knowing your audience. Bitch should’ve at least thrown some Edward Cullen decals on her overheated pits.

Giorgio Armani Is Living The Life

File this under: Shit that I’ve learned from the latter years of Kunty Karl, Calvin Klein and Giorgio Armani.

When I’m deep into the “Dinner at 5” phase of my life and want a hot piece of buff man meat to massage waterproof Benjamin Homosexual cream (all the refined socialites refer to it by its full name, dahling) between my wrinkly toes and give me the Heimcock maneuver after I have trouble swallowing my own saliva, I have to somehow sell a million overpriced gowns to a million women first. Sounds easy. Now let me just pull my Sew Easy knitting machine out of my asshole and get on that.

There has be an easier way. I’d do that whole “sell my soul to Lucifer” thing, but my soul went into foreclosure years ago. It ain’t worth shit. Anyway.

Here’s more of the luckiest old bitch alive Giorgio Armani frolicking in Formentera, Spain with a hot piece that I’m sure he’s introducing as “his nephew.” I can’t wait until I’m 77 and can introduce my leased whores as “my nephew.”