Guess Who Needs Coffee?

I know, I know. This is a half-assed (or pear-assed in this case) Guess Who?, but blame Jennifer Love Hewitt for sucking at hiding her SANS FARDS face behind her purse and not providing us with a proper Guess Who?. I don’t know why she suddenly sucks at hiding since she’s been hiding her talents for years. (I don’t mean that. JLove’s busted Nancy Sinatra drag act in American Dreams was and still is a gift.) JLove did the awkward purse raise like an HSN host trying to peddle handbags at 3am while shopping for stuff in Studio City, CA yesterday.

The pained look on JLove’s face could be mistaken for “My purse just farted!” face or, “My Vajazzle rash itches!” face, or “For why can’t I keep a man? I will even give him this purse as a dowry!” face, but it’s none of those. JLove’s shirt says it all. That’s the same look we all make when we’ve got the hard shits. Constipated face! JLove is letting the world know that her bowels need some java lube. Thanks, JLove!

Kennifer Kove Kardashian

Before stomping on the red carpet at last night’s Horrible Bosses premiere in L.A., Jennifer Love Hewitt evoked the voodoo spirit of the Kardashians when she took a deep breath and stuffed herself into a Herve Leger straitjacket dress with the help of a Spanx cocoon, a tablespoon of the lubricating drool Khloe Kardashian secretes when she tries to digest a warthog whole, a fleet of Dutch barges, 2011’s sausage maker of the year and who ever yanks John Travolta’s butt plug out when he clenches too hard. JLove’s shit is so tight that I can practically see the print of her Vajazzle stones.

JLove shares my motto that if your ribs aren’t screaming for mercy, your head isn’t dizzy from suffocation and your legs look like they aren’t exhaling giant hot brefs of relief from not being mummified, then the dress is not tight enough!

The Last Ho Who Should Replace Mariska Hargitay Might Replace Mariska Hargitay

I’d like to think that Mariska Hargitay can see the future and knew this hurtful rumor was coming, which is why she has a look on her face in the picture above that says: “This is the mess you’re going to replace me with?”

Deadline Hollywood says that Mariska will make next season of Law & Order: SVU her last and the producers are now looking for the lucky actress who gets to share space with Christopher Meloni’s freshly waxed chest clits. Jennifer Love Hewitt guest starred on SVU last season as a rape victim and the producers must’ve been hypnotized by the shiny sparkles jumping off her crotch crystals, because her name has come up as a possibility for the new lady detective. They haven’t offered her the job yet, but they’re talking to her about it.

The only Law & Order Jennifer Love Hewitt belongs on is Law & Order: Candyland. This is like replacing a lion with a whiny kitten who only stops meowing if you pet her.

With Detective JLove on the case, the number of false confessions will hit record numbers. Get Det. JLove in a locked room with a suspect and the talk will quickly turn to how she doesn’t understand why her boyfriend won’t propose to her, and why didn’t he get the hint when she bedazzled her crotch with the words “PROPOSE TO ME ALREADY!“, and why did he give her the middle finger instead of putting an engagement ring on her finger, and why did he say “lose my number” instead of saying “marry me” before leaving her apartment that morning? And Why? And Why? And whywhywhy?

That really is the quickest way to get an innocent man to scream: I DID IT! GAS ME!

And Jennifer Love Hewitt’s On To The Next Man

That cracking sound you heard was from a dozen of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s friends breaking their eye bones (YES, we have eye bones) from rolling so hard after seeing that she has called them after a year of silence. Yes, Jennifer Love Hewitt is forever that friend who isn’t even trying to have contact with you while she’s got a man but will stick to you like sperm on a Duggar ovary when she doesn’t. Well, JLove’s friends will have to pry her off with whatever you use to pry size 2 clingers off of you, because she’s single again. The basic cable Jennifer Aniston has let it be known to UsWeekly that she has quit it with her boyfriend of a year Alex Beh.

This is the same Alex Beh who JLove said brought her flowers every day. It’s also the same Alex Beh who knew that JLove already had three Tiffany engagement rings picked out just in case he wanted to propose. And now he’s the Alex Beh who’s the latest member of The Exes of Jennifer Love Hewitt Club that meets once a week in the basement of a church and bowls together as a team every Sunday afternoon.

We can all sit here and type that JLove needs to put the STOP in desperate, but this is just her way. She gets a man, drools nauseating love hearts all over him, proclaims to the world that he’s better than nipple cream and when the relationship ends she uses her tears to stick rhinestones onto her vagina before she finds another man. Barf, rinse, repeat, etc…

Ho is probably uttering out an “I love you” right now to the valet at the vajazzle salon.

Sienna Miller Likes What She Sees

I was going to write a post about how Sienna Miller is giving her bull dozer vagina the spring off to fuck around with totally single and unmarried Tom Sturridge, but then I came across this picture of her moistening her chops at the sight of Gandalf’s behind-the-counter goods in London yesterday. Or maybe she’s excited because she’s thinking about all the homes she can barge into with that motorized scooter. Yeah, it’s definitely that.

Horses Get Hard For Michael Fassbender

And now you and horses have something in common, besides the whole “raising your leg whenever somebody comes behind you” thing. Mia Wasikowska, who stars as Jane Eyre in Jane Eyre, tells Movie Line about how her co-star Michael Fassbender caused dozens of horses to replace the Trace Cyrus poster in their stalls with the picture above. Their neeeeeigh is now calling Michael’s name.

Mia says that Michael’s crotch has the stuff that makes horses drop their fifth leg and dream of turning his cheeks into a feedbag, and she learned about this during rehearsals. The Reverse Equus presented by Mia Wasikowska:

“Michael had a very… huge effect on any horse he got on. There was a horse on the third day of filming [when] we were shooting the scene where Jane and Rochester meet, and every time Michael hopped on the horse it got a huge erection. And he’d get off and they’d run the poor thing around the block to try to make it go away, and he’d hop on it again and it would happen all over again, and they’d have to get him off and run it around.

It happened in rehearsals and then on the day of shooting. So it was great.”

It’s easy to laugh at this, but it could’ve ended with Michael getting an anal graft on a surgeon’s table. Michael’s horse could’ve had a “moment” mid-gallop and BOOM! Horse dick hitting the ground like an anchor! Michael would’ve flown over his horse’s head and landed ass up on the dirt. Michael’s ass in the air + a ready-to-party horse – lube = not a good scene.

via HuffPo