Category: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jennifer Love Hewitt Is Definitely Pregnant
In case you forgot that Jennifer Love Hewitt will be bedazzling a newly born human in a few months, here she is nearly poking a baby’s eye out with her bump and causing another baby to reach for her lechelicious chichis at a Pampers event at Grand Central in NYC yesterday. I can’t hate on JLove’s desperate ass for showing up to a Pampers event, because diapers cost more than coke and I’m assuming they gave her a few boxes. But I can hate on JLove for those bangs and that makeup. It makes her look like Shelley Duvall at the end of The Shining when she’s screamed the life out of her face and she really just wants to stop screaming and take a damn nap.
And thanks to those bangs, we now know what it would look like if Joey Ramone got knocked up.
Pics: Splash
Jennifer Love Hewitt Is Knocked Up
I don’t know if that Brian Hallisay dude is making a pained face, because Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vajazzle stones are so sharp that they’ve cut through her jeans and are stabbing him in the stomach or because he knows he’s in the middle of making a baby with her. Or a little of both.
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s rep tells UsWeekly that a baby is growing in her uterus and she made it with her Client List co-star (and rumored fiancé) Brian Hallisay. UsWeekly’s source says that JLove is about three months along. These pictures of JLove and Brian shooting scenes for The Client List were taken in March, so let’s just assume that we’re watching them conceive. This is exactly how I would expect her mating ritual to look. She just throws her vagina at her boyfriend of the moment and hopes that one of his sperm fishes sticks to her ovary eggs. It worked!
JLove and Brian Hallisay started dating 15 months ago. Before Brian, JLove was engaged to Ross McCall and Jamie Kennedy (HA!).
Well, congrats to JLove for finally getting what she wanted and congrats to us all, because for the next 6 months, she’s going to go on and on about her pregnancy farts and about how she plans to bedazzle her placenta. I really can’t wait. I also can’t wait for her chichis and ass to get so huge that they cover the sun, sending us into darkness for the rest of the year. Show Kim Kardashian up, JLove!
Jennifer Love Hewitt Says Her Tits Are Worth $5 Million
The rhinestones of desperation sparkling above Jennifer Love Hewitt’s chocha aren’t the most precious things on her body. JLove tells USA Today (via HuffPo) that a pair of Brink’s security guards should be guarding her chichis at all times, because they’re that spectacular, that special and they’re worth more than Heidi Klum’s legs and Holly Madison’s Tupperware titty bowls combined.
JLove’s favorite part of her body are her 36C tits and she says it’s the only part she’d have insured, because they’ve made her a millionaire.
“I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it! Why not? These things right here are worth $5 million!”
JLove must’ve bedazzled her nipples (nippleizzing?) with canary diamonds, because that’s the only way her tits would be worth $5 million. I mean, Dolly Parton insured her historical site titties for only $600,000 and her chichis are at the top of the list of national treasures right above Mount Rushmore, John Travolta’s wig and Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda.
And before JLove makes all the geckos roll their eyes by calling up Geico to get an estimate for her titties, she needs to fire who ever’s in charge of gluing tiny broom brushes onto her eyelids. The wonky lash look does not become her. JLove should leave that look to Amanda Bynes.
Jennifer Love Hewitt Singing In A Two-Piece vs. Miguel Having Fake Sex With An Imaginary Trick
Above is Jennifer Love Hewitt popping the Vajazzle gems off of her crotch while singing “I’m A Woman” in a promo for the new season of The Client List. Below is singer Miguel putting an imaginary condom on his imaginary 12″ dick before hitting an imaginary trick from the back in front of a bunch of people who are probably wondering what in “mime act gone wrong” hell are they watching.
If you only had to watch one, let me help you by asking you a question. Would you rather watch Jennifer Love Hewitt try to retrain herself from tackling one of the back-up dancers and forcing him to propose to her or would you rather watch Miguel prove that some bottoms just shouldn’t try to top.
I say go with Miguel, but you know it is missing something. I am really disappointed that Miguel didn’t pull out his imaginary foot long, rip the imaginary condom off and then fap out an imaginary cum shot on the imaginary ass cheeks of his imaginary trick. Bitch needs to commit or keep his imaginary dick in his pants.
Paging Jennifer Love Hewitt
Fox is showing NBC that they aren’t the only ones who can use NASA-created high-powered technology to make chairs turn the other way like your office chair when a Kardashian pops up on your computer screen. Fox can do that too and they’ll do it in their new dating show which is like what would plop on the sheets if The Voice and The Dating Game had really messy butt sex.
Fox’s The Choice is just like The Voice, but instead instead of the four “celebrities” looking for singing voices, they’ll be looking for possible genitals to hump on. The four celebrities will be put in swivel chairs with their backs against the stage and a bunch of “sexy singles” describe themselves. If the piece’s descriptions makes the celebrity’s ears tingle, he or she will pull a “love handle” (I can’t with that either) and find themselves face-to-face with their possible date. If more than one celebrity turns around, the trick will get to pick who they want to get with. Once each celebrity has three possible dates on their team, all teams will move to the “Speed Choice” round. In the second round, each contestant will have a few seconds to tell the celebrity why they should be picked. At the end of that round, each celebrity will get rid of one ho. In the final round, the show’s host Cat Deeley will ask each trick a question and afterward the celebrity will pick which trick they want to go on a date with. And that’s how true love is born!
Fox hasn’t released the names of the celebrities that will be on this mess, but I’m sure it will be filled with twinkling bright stars of the A-list universe. Keeping that in mind, I’ve come up with my own wish list:
White Oprah
STAINS
Maxwell Drew Johnson
The cock king of Hancock Park Norwood Young
Chicken Cutlets (Phoebe Price or an actual plate of chicken cutlets, I’m not picky)
Ceiling Eyes’ mom
Claudette Wells
That tap dancing politician who got caught trying to look for hard dick in the bathroom
Carrot Top
Tupac Hologram
Not The Baby from Dinosaurs
Stephanie Yellowhair
Martika
Gerardo
Sheree from The Real Brokewives of Neverland
Darva Conger
And last, but not least the Asian Snooki from MTV’s PG-13 rated version of Bang Bus that was NEXT!
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Latest Tip On How To Catch A Man
File this under: Dear Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, this bitch is stealing your beauty secrets!
There are at least half a dozen members of the Former Fiances of Jennifer Love Hewitt Support Group, so the real life Miss Prissy definitely knows how to catch a man (it’s the “not scaring him away by telling him she wants to surgically connect their fingers together so they can hold hands FOREVER” part that continues to elude her ass). JLove has caught a man by putting a plate of buffalo wings under a net and by whining him into a date, but she tells UsWeekly that the easiest way to attract peens is with vanilla!
“I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla [in my purse] — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck. Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!'”
This bitch is going around smelling like step 2 in a cake recipe or like a candle in your nana’s powder room. Sure, wearing Eau de McCormick’s could get you a KFed in heat, but you could also turn to the side to find Kristie Alley nom nom nom-ing on your neck like she’s trying to get to the creamy part. But you know, JLove wasn’t lying when she said that vanilla has a serious effect on men. I mean, just look at that picture of JLove with her Client List co-star. After sniffing on JLove’s cookie-smelling neck, you know he went home and fucked the crumbs out of a box of Nilla Wafers.