What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he’s in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, “HOLD IT IN!!!” Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he’s just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly’s trailer toilet. It’s like he’d rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on…

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she’s pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here’s a few others at last night’s event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.

Taylor Swift Should Just Let That Shit Go To Voicemail

Joe Jonas couldn’t deal with seeing Taylor Swift’s heart-shaped irises break into four pieces from getting dumped, so he did the quitting via a phone call. Jakey Gyllenhaal took a page out of Joe’s “How To Quit The Squint” playbook and also called up Taylor to tell her that he could no longer come over to her house to braid her hair and let her paint pony paw prints on his toe nails. Oh, and Jakey also told Taylor to stick his uni-corn holders in the mail, because he wants that shit back.

A source tells UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) that Taylor thought everything was apples and latte foam between them and was totally surprised when he broke up with her over the phone. One of Taylor’s friends said, “Taylor is really upset and hurt. She doesn’t know what she did for him to just put a stop to it. She feels really burned by him.”

What really happened was that Taylor got upset when her publicist let her know that Jakey stamped a “NULL AND VOID” on their contract and said he’s off to find a new leased girlfriend who doesn’t make him skip through apple orchards and constantly order lattes with a fucking foam heart on top. But Taylor shouldn’t feel sorry for her ass. It could be worse. She could be my high school friend’s deaf ex-boyfriend.

So my friend was dating this really hot dude who was deaf. Everything was going fine, but the main problem was that he lived an hour away. In high school that counted as a long distance relationship and my friend was a huge slut at the time. Huge sluts and long distance relationships go together like….well like huge sluts and long distance relationships. Eventually, she met another dude and was really itching to get on him. Since she was a slut with morals, she knew that she had to quit the old dude before screwing on the new one. She wasn’t going to see her boyfriend for two weeks and the only way they communicated was by phone. She had to talk to an operator who captioned her words for her boyfriend and then read back what he typed out. Yes, the bitch did it. The words “It’s not working out…” came from a random operator’s fingers! What a cold motherfucker. And the he kept typing “WHY?!” over and over again. At one point, my friend said to the operator, “Don’t type this. You think I’m a total bitch, right?” The operator didn’t say shit. Silence means YES!!

He and Taylor should get together and write the lyrics for a haunting song about getting kicked into Foreveraloneville OVER THE PHONE!

QOTD: Jake Gyllenhaal Thinks Natalie Portman Is The Audrey Hepburn Of Our Time

Somewhere Jennifer Love Hewitt is biting off pieces of raw Crescent Roll dough while stroking the “This Generation’s Audrey Hepburn: Jennifer Love Hewitt” certificate she made herself, because Jakey Gyllenhaal called Natalie Portman the true reincarnation of Audrey Hepburn. Or some mess like this. Jakey pursed his precious lips and said this at the Palm Springs International Film Festival this past weekend:

“Natalie is the Audrey Hepburn of our generation. She is elegant, graceful, has amazing eyebrows … is talented, really short, funny, smart, dedicated, incredibly kind. She’s a vegan, which makes it really frustrating when you’re picking a place to eat. She’s also recently announced that she’s going to be a mom, and her child will probably need therapy after seeing Black Swan.”

“Has amazing eyebrows….“? Jakey is a fellow eyebrow aficionado whose lash tips tingle at the sight of a perfectly executed arch? If Mah Boo doesn’t devote an entire show to the history of the cholita brow, I’m going to rename my boyfriend pillow “Jakey.” But back to the mess at hand….

Jakey needs to stop! Natalie Portman is not the Audrey Hepburn of our anything. Jake is more of a modern day Audrey than Natalie’s ass is! Don’t believe me? Picture Natalie gliding down a flight of stairs with chiffon blowing behind her the way she did in Funny Face. Now let’s see Jakey do the same thing:

Exactly.

Beard Showdown In Palm Springs

It was Battle of the Beards ’11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He’s totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the “I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!” shakes. But even though Ben’s beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn’t have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby’s breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford’s face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas….

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here’s a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night’s festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

As The Lyrics About Lattes & Apples Pour Out Of Taylor Swift’s Heart

Damn, Jakey Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift must’ve had one of those short-term leases, because People reports that the love affair that launched a million steam wands into oceans of milk IS OVER!!!!! You know there’s something wrong in the air when even arranged fake love affairs end up slipping into the storm drain of infinite loneliness. Fun fact: That is an actual lyric from the song Taylor Swift is writing right now on her lemon-scented notebook in the living club house Jake made for her using sofa cushions and lace tablecloths.

A source didn’t give a reason for why the Dick and Jane of our time broke up, but they did say it ended last month. Their reps had nothing to say about this mess.

But I doubt they’ve seen the last of each other. They will make strawberry tarts in the shape of hearts together soon. It will probably be in rehab where they’ll both be getting treatment for the fucking caffeine addiction they developed while carrying on with their charade of a relationship. Seriously, coffee stock is totally in the shit hole now.

UPDATE: UsWeekly has it on good authority that these two Care Bearlings broke up, because Jake hated the spotlight on their relationship and now Taylor is crying into her purple ruffled pillow sham. Cut to the source: “He said he wasn’t feeling it anymore and was uncomfortable with all the attention they got. He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset. We told her not to move so fast with this but she didn’t listen.” The song is writing itself.

Herp Derp

MORE COFFEE! If Jakey Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift are trying to become the new Taster’s Choice couple, it’s not working and it never will! Nothing about them says “Savor The Sophistication“. I swear. Half of their relationship is spent slurping on lattes and since we all know that drinking coffee is like an oil and filer change for your bowels, the other half of their relationship is spent sitting on a toilet for two.

Source: UsWeekly via Cover Awards