Taylor & Jakey Drink A Lot Of Coffee

Because I need to document every single time Jakey Gyllenhaal and his cuddle partner Taylor Swift order coffee, here they are having a cup at Frothy Monkey in Nashville, TN this morning. You know, after spending most of their night reading fairy tales in silly cat voices and gorging on whoopie pies they made in her Easy Bake Oven, they love nothing more to roll out of her princess canopy bed and talk in depth about their favorite cartoon dog characters over a cup of coffee. Or should I say, Taylor yaps about her favorite dog cartoon characters while Jakey giggles to himself about the name “Frothy Monkey.” Yes, Jakey, you’re not the only one who thinks it sounds like a dude’s nickname for his leaky dick.

And since we’re here talking about Jake, somebody used the FACE/OFF Photoshop tool on his EW cover with Anne Hathaway:

I still would, the both of ’em.

via TMZ & TDW

Taylor & Jakey Take Their Love To Nashville

Looking like a brother and sister trying to decide if mom would rather have the caramel cinnamon latte or the spicy hot chocolate, Taylor Swift and Jakey Gyllenhaal continued to brew their new love (Taylor can use that shit for her song about Jakey) at Fido in Nashville, TN this weekend. AND this was after they spent their Thanksgiving morning sipping on maple lattes at Gorilla Coffee in Park Slope. What the fuck is with them and lattes?

Jakey obviously gets the giggles when the foam tickles his top lip and nothing makes him happier than watching the hard wand steam the cream (wink wink). And sipping on a latte makes Taylor feel like a warm cloud of puppy fur is hugging her soul from the back. She probably wrote that same sentence in her Precious Moments journal.

You know, these two make the opposite of sense, but I’m just going to go with it. I’ll even ignore Jakey making a “The fuck is with my life choices?” face in the picture above.

Source: Fadeintoday via TSD

No.

Jakey Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway are pretty much nekkid as mole rats in that Love & Other Drugs movie, which should send a billion endorphins straight to my nipples but from what I’ve seen these two have the sexual chemistry of a pedophile with OCD and an elderly hoarder.

Take these covers of Entertainment Weekly for instance. I know this it supposed to make us pull our zippers down to give our good parts some air, but it’s not doing anything for me. It looks like something you’d see on Awkward Family Photos. Like a brother and sister trying to reenact the Star is Born poster for their New Year’s Eve party invitation.

It’s like the least successful Levitra ad ever. Like a sex therapy book from the early 80s. You see where I’m coming from. And no, you don’t have to gorge out your eyes with a broken off BIC pen, because where I’m coming from is not the usual place I come from. That’s a shame, because the sight of Jakey’s pec pubes is supposed to have that effect on me.

Jake Gyllenhaal Sneaks Into Harry Potter’s Back Door

Jakey Gyllenhaal got shy and didn’t want to walk the carpet at last night’s Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part Uno premiere in London, so he tried to be slick and sneak into the theater’s back door with protection (aka his bodyguards). Dude got caught!

And Jakey would’ve brought Taylor Swift with him, but the movie is rated PG-13 so….

Fun With Taylor & Jakey, Part 3

Because we need to know about every single date this generation’s Dick & Jane go on, UsWeekly tells us that on Monday afternoon Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal skipped along the pathway of pink hearts into an ice cream shop in Santa Barbara, CA. So, two weeks ago they went apple picking in New York and this past week they go ice cream picking in Santa Barbara. Watch out next week, because I have a feeling Taylor and Jakey are about to get really serious. I’m talking MAYPOLE-ING DOWN SOUTH! And sadly, that’s not a euphemism. Like, they are totally going to skip around the maypole while burping out strawberry-scented giggles. Jakey’s already calling the pink ribbon.

Anyways, an employee at McConnell’s ice cream shop tells UsWeekly that Taylor and Jakey were all laughs and cuddles as they picked out flavors together, “Taylor laughed at everything Jake said. At one point, she measured herself against Jake on her tiptoes. They looked at all the flavors and couldn’t decide, so they asked the counter girls for help. Taylor was very interested in what I was doing in the back making ice cream and said, ‘Wow, you guys are legit! They smiled a lot.”

The employee said that Jakey picked Swiss chocolate chip and Taylor went with yogurt with rainbow sprinkles on top.

A thick white substance covered with rainbow dingles?! Again, I really really really wish deep down in my no-no that was a euphemism, but it’s not! I can’t even make up a euphemism for that. You know how I love to spread dirty, filthy nasty shit over every damn story, but these two make it impossible. When Taylor tells one of her friends, “Oh, what’s Jakey doing? Well, he’s just spreading his coconut frosting all over my bundt cakes,” she really means that Jake is frosting two cakes she just baked! Gross. They make my job so hard. I heart them. SEE! They did it again. I meant to write “hate” and I accidentally typed “heart” instead. Ugh.

They Would Go Apple Picking

Since Taylor Swift lives her life like she’s a damn Strawberry Shortcake character, she went apple picking with Jakey Gyllenhaal on Saturday afternoon at a farm in Hopewell Junction, New York. And no, apple picking is not some kind of sex act involving eating several rolls of Saran Wrap and eating apple slices out of a….forget it. What I’m getting at is that they actually picked apples! I swear, skipping and giggling, these two.

A source tells UsWeekly that before their stroll through Park Slope on Sunday, Jakey and Taylor twirled through the Fishkill Farms. The source went on to say this mess, “They were walking through the trees, having fun together. They looked happy. Some of the customers tried to take a photo of them, but they were hiding from them in the trees. They drove through the orchard and bought the apples on the way out.”

Hiding in the trees?! Fuck Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. They’re more like the Fox and the Hound. The song about this shit is practically writing itself…. “The apple in the tree… Why couldn’t you let it be? You picked at my heart…. You tore it apart. I thought you were my white knight, Jake and now I’m falling back into the field of heartache…”

And I bet for their next date they are going to go antiquing followed by a tea tasting under a weeping willow tree. Taylor’s publicist (or whoever paired these two together), you crazy for this one!