QOTD: Jake Loves Wii And Whitney

Reese Witherspoon made the WRONG decision. That dumb dumb married that Jim Toth dude when she could’ve stayed with a man who loves nothing more than to play Wii tennis while bouncing his knees and flicking his wrists to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE CHOICES, Reese, while reading what you could’ve witnessed every single night. Make her weep, Jake:

“I don’t do karaoke or play Rock Band or Guitar Hero but I do play a little Wii Tennis while listening to Whitney Houston. I can’t play Wii Tennis without listening to Whitney Houston actually. I might mention that to Duncan (Source Code director Duncan Jones) as an idea for a movie because that’s right up our alley! I really just do it for myself. It’s just an incredible thing to exercise but for it to become like a meditative thing rather than just working out is amazing and that’s how it is for me.”

Jakey and I have something in common. I too like to pretend I’m handling white balls in the middle of my living room while listening to “Heartbreak Hotel” (the Crack is Whack remix) at full blast. And yeah, I totally call it meditative exercise too.

What Happens When You Try To Take Picture Of Jakey Gyllenhaal Peeing

Another accurate headline for this would be: What happens when you try to take a picture of anyone outside of a golden showers convention peeing. I don’t think most people would want to take a picture of ANY peen spitting out piss into a urinal. Peeing peen is usually soft, vulnerable and well, it’s got fucking piss coming out of it! It’s safe to say that most of us wouldn’t pinch our nipples and lick our lips to that. Well, not while we’re sober anyway. But some NOT RIGHT ho at SXSW in Austin tried to do just that to Jake Gyllenhaal at the screening for his movie Source Code last night. Bitch forced Jakey to pinch it short! Hollywood News (via Towleroad) has the details of this pissy mess:

Twitter exploded with accounts of a scuffle between Gyllenhaal, who plays a soldier in Jones’ sci-fi thriller, and a guy who tried to take his photograph … er, mid-stream.

“Gyllenhaal apparently grabbed the dude mid-photo, threw him against the wall and was like, ‘are we really gonna do this right now?’” Tweeted Cinematical’s Erik Davis.

And JoBlo, who reportedly was in the men’s room when the “fight” occurred, updated, “Guy just tried to take Jake Gyllenhaal’s picture while he was taking a leak. Cops came. Brouhaha ensued.”

I’ve got enough questions to break a urinal cake with. I mean, who does that?! What if Jakey ate asparagus for lunch and his piss fumes cracked the camera?! How can Jakey’s penis mouth smile for the camera when it’s in the middle of something? Who exactly was the pissing tom planning to sell these pictures to? Urine Weekly? The R. Kelly Review? And did Jakey put his dick away before grabbing at the dude? Because if he didn’t, that would be the golden picture right there. I swear, some dumb bitches just don’t know how to do things!

And are we sure the dude with the camera wasn’t John Travolta?

We’re Going To Need A Bigger “Bitch, Please” For This One

Jennifer Aniston & Jakey Gyllenhaal?! How’s that for a heaping dose of LOL in your morning cup of whatever. It’s true that Jennifer and Jakey’s nipples became two for one of her better movies, The Good Girl, but that was just make believe play time stuff! But now Life & Style is trying to say that maybe just maybe, Jakey and Jennifer have brought their frosted mall photo love into real life. Their proof? Jennifer had herself a birthday dinner at The Spotted Pig last night, and Jake slipped out the back door so he wouldn’t be photographed with her. And there’s more. El fuckery from Life & Style:

Life & Style’s Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday on Feb. 11 by having an intimate dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal in NYC.

The startlet took a break from her whirlwind promotional tour for her new film Just Go With It and made her way to The Spotted Pig restaurant where she dined in a private room with a group of friends and her former hunky co-star. “Jake and Jen looked really happy and really seemed to be enjoying themselves,” an eyewitness tells the Scene Queens. “They looked like they were strategizing a way to exit the restaurant probably because they didn’t want to be photographed together.” Shortly after their discussion Jen exited the restaurant with her friends in tow. Though Jake was not in the group, it is possible he could have snuck out the back door while no one was looking.

This romantic birthday dinner only adds fuel to the fire that Jen and Jake’s longtime friendship could be something more. The duo was spotted just weeks ago at a pre Golden Globes party in L.A where they were flirty.

First of all, Jake always prefers the back door so that doesn’t mean shit. Second of all, yes, scientists have already discovered that the cicadas humming in the hills above Malibu aren’t cicadas humming in the hills above Malibu. It’s Jennifer Aniston chanting for a husband and children. But even she would not sign up to be Jakey’s latest Taylor Swift. Bitch ain’t that desperate. Besides, have you ever seen a beard with $800 highlights and a $200 blow out?

Jake, please tell us how you feel about this shit:

Here’s Jennifer Aniston covering her face while leaving The Spotted Pig last night after finding out that Justin Bieber is probably going to wipe his diaper all over her movie this weekend. And according to the reviews, that might be an upgrade.

Olivia Wilde’s Side Titty Stars In Vanity Fair’s “Hollywood Issue” Cover

Vanity Fair’s (emphasis on the “Fair“) annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of “clutch your Tampax pearls” surprises! There’s ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it’s better than VF’s “Hungry White Girls Cover” of last year)! There’s Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There’s a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there’s the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who’d be half-nekkid if it wasn’t for those extra thick suspenders.

Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg’s sexyface rip half of that ho’s dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia’s “sneeze and my titty pokes out” dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!

Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must’ve been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn’t move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:

Much better.

Anyway, here’s the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco, Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.

Taylor Swift And Jake Gyllenhaal Had Dinner Together

This is about as shocking as the time Taylor Swift found out that storks really aren’t flying uteruses (she found this out last night). Here we were all thinking that Taylor and Jakey Gyllenhaal’s connection to each other is solely powered by caffeine and diuretics. This isn’t so, because People says that Taylor and Jakey ate a meal together last night and as far as we know cups of coffee were not served. Although, there’s a good chance they ate mole sauce and tiramisu.

A witness-type tells People that Jakey and Taylor had dinner at Bound’ry restaurant which is near her apartment in Nashville. They sat in the back and the witness gave up these highly important CNN breaking news details about their time together, “They did eat. They were cordial to one another, but not affectionate.”

Jake and Taylor are bold bitches for opening up their contract re-negotiations in a public restaurant! Or maybe Taylor asked Jake there because a stork has been flying around her bedroom window lately and she was afraid that maybe she open-mouth kissed with him for too long (that’s when he broke the news about the stork thing to her). Or maybe Taylor asked Jake there to let him know that she has anal warts. Or maybe they’re just friends and they’re tricking us all. Or maybe you really don’t give a dick about this, so why don’t you watch this video of a horse trying to do butt sex with a tree.

No, it’s not a lost scene from Sex and the City 2.

via Buzzfeed

Jakey Gyllenhaal And Jenny Lewis Are Totally Doing It

And by “it” I mean sipping on Smart Water and staring at full bottles of delicious Moet (Why wasn’t anybody guzzling those bottles of sweet nectar like the new prohibition is right around the corner?!) together at the Golden Globes last night. Since Jake Gyllenhaal has broken his promise pinky swear with Taylor Swift, he brought his ex-girlfriend/friend Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley as his plus one to the GGs.

Of course, some people are saying that Jenny Lewis has rolled herself in beard hair and is curling up around Jake’s face. Now, I haven’t read the newest edition of UsWeekly: Indie Hipster Edition, but I’m pretty sure Jenny Lewis has been with the same dude for centuries. So she’s probably just there for the free Smart Water and to inhale the candy clouds of sweetness wafting off of Jake’s face merkin. I bet it smells like strawberry-flavored goat milk ice cream.

And Jenny Lewis’ appearance at the Golden Globes was a long time coming. The real truth is that she should’ve been there 20 years ago to receive her award for Best Cookie Time Moves in Troop Beverly Hills.

Oh, and there’s also a rumor that Jake was “flirting” with Camilla Belle (pictured below at some InStyle party last night) a couple of nights ago. Flirting my ass. Jakey is a true eyebrow aficionado, so he was simply breathing in Camilla Belle’s exquisite brow situation with his eyes so he could sketch it later and hang that shit over his bed.