Garcelle Beauvais Is Not The One

Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon, star of the rare 90s diamond Models Inc., recently found out that her husband of almost 9 years, CAA agent Mike Nilon, has been creeping out on her with a chick in Chicago. Garcelle didn’t pull an Elin by attacking her husband with a club. Instead, Garcelle let everyone in Mike’s office know that his dick has been wandering. Yes, bitch exercised her right to CC EVERYONE! It must have been a sea of side-eyes at Mike’s office that day.

Page Six says that Garcelle titled the e-mail: “Tiger Woods/Jesse James/Mike Nilon”. Garcelle went on to say, “What do they have in common . . . I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don’t deserve this!”

This is basically like the classier version of going down to your man’s job and screaming to the receptionist to call his cheating ass out so you can beat him with your shoe.

You know, why didn’t I ever get mass e-mails like that when I worked in an office? The only mass mails I got were about leaving food in the sink and piss on the toilet seat. Not about sluts in Chicago. Boo.

Garcelle didn’t confirm or deny the e-mail, but she had this to say to E!: “My focus at this time is on my kids and healing the pain. There will be no further comment.”

So everyone at Mike’s office can stop hitting the “get mail” button on their inbox, because Garcelle isn’t going to write a sequel anytime soon.

The Sex Moan Defense

Gary Dourdan’s girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo was arrested last month on suspicion of domestic abuse after she allegedly scratched at him during a fight. Well, TMZ says that prosecutors have dismissed the case, because they believe the scratch on Gary’s neck was not created out of rage….but out of nut busting ecstasy instead. Gary and Maria both told police that they weren’t fighting the night she got arrested, they were actually getting their orgasm on.

Apparently, one of the neighbors mistook their jizz-churning fuck moans as violent screams. When the cops arrived, Gary tried to explain the sexuation to them, but they arrested Maria anyway after peeping at the scratch on his neck.

Um. Who doesn’t know the difference between sex sounds and fight sounds? Gary and Maria must be throw around some nasty violent talk in bed. Maria was probably screaming shit like, “Call the ambulance, because I’m going to break your bone!” and “Say goodbye to your huevos, because my pussy is going to beat them off your body!” And Gary said shit like, “Draw a chalk outline of your vagina on the floor, because I’m going to murder it tonight! Cooch Scene Investigation!” Freaky ass freak bitches!

What In The Nasty Girl Roofie Hell Is This?

Kiely Williams, a former member of 3LW and the Cheetah Girls, is desperately trying to shed her squeaky clean Disney imagine by taking ho shit to the extreme.

The beginning of Kiely’s song “Spectucular” has all the makings of an official theme song for Dlisted (e.g. “Last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off, broke off“). I know you’re shaking your head like: “Yup, been there and already told it to the priest in confession.”

But then Kiely takes a sharp right down date rape alley, and that’s when things get uncomfortable (e.g. “I think he pulled a track out when he was blowing my back out! What was I drinking? I can’t believe I blacked out…I must have been on drugs…I hope he used a rubber or Imma be in trouble. Promise I don’t remember, except for rolling over”). Seriously, this song should come with a rape kit.

Dlisted is still in search of a theme song, but the makers of GHB just found theirs!

And the video. THE VIDEO! This bottom of the barrel shit looks it was made using clips from police surveillance footage of a prostitution stakeout in Jersey City, a karaoke video for a 2 Live Crew song and re-enactment scenes from a Dateline NBC special on date rape.

via ONTD

The Next Time You Have Sex In The Middle Of A Busy Road…..

……make sure to smile a money shot smile and perk your titties up, because there’s a good chance a motorist could be taking your picture! And your mother would be so upset if you were caught on camera not smiling.

The Sun says that German police want to arrest the romantic couple above for doing sexy times in the middle of a busy road in Krefeld, West Germany. One motorist said that the two bumped fupas for almost 10 minutes. A local cab driver added, “I nearly crashed my cab, it’s not something you see every day in the middle of the road.”

The cab driver obviously never drives by Gerard Butler’s house, because this is an hourly occurrence over there.

If the police really want to find these road whores, all they need to do is check the nearest buffet or ask the local clinic if a dude with chaffed nalgas and gravel bits stuck in his asshole came in for treatment.

Who’s Bad?

ANSWER: Jermaine Jackson’s 13-year-old son Jaafar!

Child Protective Services was called to the Jackson family home in Encino last night after they heard about an incident involving Jaafar, Blanket Jackson and a taser gun. TMZ reports that last week the Jackson’s security team confiscated a taser gun Jaafar ordered off the internet. Katherine Jackson locked the gun up in one of her wig closets.

While Latarian Milton was in L.A., he must have taught Jaafar how to pick a lock using a fish bone, because he was able to get a hold of the taser gun.

Security caught Jaafar on the second floor of the home trying to turn 7-year-old Blanket into an ELECTRIC BLANKET! And that’s why CPS stepped in. According to sources, two social workers spoke to Katherine and Jaafar. They also confiscated the stun gun. They are planning to return to the home to investigate the incident further.

But Blanket isn’t safe yet! The sources added that there’s a second taser gun somewhere in the house. Poor Blanket will have to sleep with rubber boots on and a tongue depressor in his mouth. How dreadful.

Katherine needs to put her discipline wig on and handle those kids. It’s turning into Lord of the Flies over there.

Jaafar shares his name with a Disney villain, so this shouldn’t really surprise me, but it does. I would expect this type of behavior from Jermajesty, because well….his name is Jermajesty. If that was name, I’d be so angry that I’d tase every bitch within arm reach.

And if Jaafar really feels the need to tase, AIM FOR JOE!

Finally, Some REAL Stars!

I need to apologize for the first three posts of the day about hos you could care less about. These Louvre-worthy portraits of Bobby Trendy with his furry pet (who is obviously Lady GaGa’s style icon) and expired Twinkie friend should’ve been the first thing that went up on this site today. I will punish myself by licking (don’t click on that) this picture 10 times in a row. When I’m done, I’ll probably have PKM (please kill me) eyes like Bobby’s tortured glitter baby.

No, I shouldn’t type that. Bobby’s dog isn’t trying to shoot his eyeballs out of his head to relieve some of the misery, I think he just can’t contain his excitement about seeing his icon Johnny Weir spread the glitter on the ice tonight.

Doggy is also a little concerned, because if Johnny falls, Bobby Trendy’s colon will never produce glitter again. Nobody wants that.