Johnny Weir Will Be Fur-less At The Olympics

The crystal enchantress of the ice, Johnny Weir, isn’t shy about how he loves to drape his naked body in fur and re-enact scenes from Dr. Zhivago (at least that’s what I picture him doing). Even one of Johnny’s costumes has the pubic bush of a fox on its shoulder. This made several animal rights groups aim their paint guns at Johnny, but he wouldn’t back down. Johnny responded to them with this:

“I totally get the dirtiness of the fur industry and how terrible it is to animals. But it’s not something that’s the No. 1 priority in my life. There are humans dying everyday. There are thousands if not millions of homeless people in New York City. Look at what just happened in Haiti. I tend to focus my energy, if there is a cause, on humans. While that may be callous and bad of me, it’s my choice.

Every skater is wearing skates made out of cow. Maybe I’m wearing a cute little fox while everyone else is wearing cow, but we’re all still wearing animals.”

And when Johnny puffed his nipples at the animal rights groups, they puffed right back. Apparently, they threatened to bring the crazy to Vancouver and ruin one of his Olympic performances. So in order to avoid being the target of a red paint bukkake while on the ice, Johnny is changing the fur to the fake stuff.

Johnny slowly slipped off his fur-lined leather glove finger by finger, and slappity slapped the animal rights groups in the face with this cunty statement:

“I would like to announce that due to pressures and threats from a certain animal rights group, I will be changing the genuine fox fur on my free program costume that I will use in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, B.C., to white faux fur. I made this decision after several threats were sent to me about disrupting my performance in the Olympic Games and my costume designer, Stephanie Handler, was repeatedly sent messages of hate and disgust. I do not want something as silly as my costume disrupting my second Olympic experience and my chance at a medal, a dream I have had since I was a kid. I hope these activists can understand that my decision to change my costume is in no way a victory for them, but a draw. I am not changing in order to appease them, but to protect my integrity and the integrity of the Olympic Games as well as my fellow competitors.

Just weeks away from hitting my starting position on the ice in Vancouver, I have technique and training to worry about and that trumps any costume and any threat I may receive.“

Something tells me that Johnny really is going to have the last queef by wearing a white fox thong underneath his costume.

Kim Kardassian, Take Note!

I was going to add this as a palate cleanser for Kim Kardassian’s perfume ad disaster (see below), but since I’m a slave to community college glamour, Oscar-worthy performances (sorry, JLo) and the musical stylings of Kenny G, I felt this really deserves its own post.

Kim needs to pull up two metal folding chairs next to me and takes notes on how you really sell a fragrance.

These two better keep their phones close, because Elizabeth Taylor is going to call them any minute now.

(Thanks Blake & Kara)

Ask A Prostitution Whore

Have you ever wanted to know how long a polite lady waits before wiping the cum off her body after a bukkake orgy? Or if you should say “excuse me” after your snatch sneezes during sex? Well, today is your lucky day! Because Ashley Dupre, the pussy peddler who brought down Eliot Spitzer, got her own advice column on The New York Post. Somewhere in the world, Rachel Uchitel is pitching a wedding show to Oxygen.

Here’s a sample of Dear Crabby’s work:

My girlfriend says she doesn’t like porn. Is she lying? — David K, 36, TriBeCa

Some women don’t like porn and some love it. I’m not big into it myself. But I must say, I was buying the Liberator [sex aid] and I was watching the demonstration video for all the different positions and I was thinking about my boyfriend at the time, and it got me super turned on . . . just thinking about him and us, and exploring all the different positions on this thing.

Try sending her an e-mail of a soft-porn clip and say “I can’t wait to do this to you tonight.” And see what she says.

And David K (no relation to yours truly) should really listen to Ashley since she’s wearing glasses and all. That makes her smart. Actually, I think she always wear glasses nowadays, because she’s sick of having to go to her optometrist to get the cum crust vacuumed out of her eyes. SEE! That Ashley is full of good ideas.

Ambien Sex?

So, Radar is saying that Rachel Uchitel told friends that Tiger Woods was hooked on having “Ambien Sex” with her. Apparently, Rachel said, “You know you have crazier sex on Ambien – you get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex.”

I feel like an innocent virgin again, because I have never heard of this shit before. My parts have been fucking with wrong bitches, I guess.

After doing some research (aka a ten second Google search and an IM conversation with one of my sluttier friends), I learned that when you’re fucking in an Ambien haze, you will do some kinky shit that you wouldn’t normally do when sober. When you wake up the next morning with a severed monkey paw in your anus and a butt plug in your mouth, you won’t remember what you did the night before. Cut to Gerard Butler saying, “Welcome to my world.”

The last time I took Ambien, the sexiest thing I did was hug my pillow really tight and slobber all over it. I need to ask my doctor for “that kind” of Ambien (wink wink).