Brett Ratner Thinks Rotten Tomatoes Is Killing The Film Industry

Quickly, somebody call the police, there’s a murder in progress and the suspect should be easy to find. According to douchebro director Brett Ratner, they’re located at Rotten Tomatoes.

Entertainment Weekly says that Brett came hard for Rotten Tomatoes while speaking at the Sun Valley Film Festival last weekend. Brett blames Rotten Tomatoes for stinking up the current state of film culture. Yes, a judgmental finger is being pointed by Brett Ratner. This is some “the call is coming from inside the house” shit.

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Sad Johnny Depp Is Hiding Out In The Bahamas

On Tuesday, Michael posted some recent-ish pap pictures of Amber Heard during his post about Johnny Depp’s ongoing bromance with Doug Stanhope, and it made me realize that I hadn’t seen any new pictures of Johnny Depp’s dirty ass in a while. My first thought was that maybe he had gone incognito to throw off the paps, like wearing an elaborate disguise, or showering. As it turns out, there’s a reason for why we haven’t seen Johnny Depp recently. He’s still in the Bahamas.

A source tells People that poor sad Johnny is so sad about everything that has been happening with his soon-to-be ex-wife lately, he hasn’t left his private island in the Bahamas. He’s been there for a couple of weeks and he’s not going back to L.A. anytime soon.

“He has no plans to return to L.A. He misses nothing about L.A. but his kids, and they are visiting him in the Bahamas.”

The source claims that Johnny’s daughter Lily-Rose Depp has recently visited him on Scarf Island. His son Jack and Johnny Depp Fanclub Member Vanessa Paradis will visit sometime in the next couple of days. The source adds that a whole bunch of Johnny’s friends have flown to the island to hang out with him. Apparently Johnny “likes being surrounded by people” and that everyone is “trying to cheer him up.”

Johnny can’t stay on his private island forever. He’s due back in the United States in July to continue touring with the Hollywood Vampires.

I totally get having a Calgon, take me away moment when shit gets ugly. But it’s a little surprising to me that his private island in the Bahamas is still his happy place. Johnny seems like a ~superstitious~ type that would think there was too much bad vibes on the island leftover from their second wedding ceremony. But maybe that’s why he keeps having so many damn visitors. They’re not there to keep him company; they’re there to help him cleanse the island of all of Amber’s energy. “Hey guys! Don’t forget to pack your shaman-blessed sage! And if someone could bring me a couple extra quartz crystals, that would be great.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Amber Heard’s Accusations Of Assault Have Made Johnny Depp Sad

Poor Johnny Depp has been crying greasy tears lately, and it’s not because his housekeeper “accidentally” put all his favorite filthy hobo scarves into the washing machine with a cup of bleach and set it to sanitize. People magazine says that Johnny is upset, and it’s all his estranged wife Amber Heard’s fault. According to a source, Johnny is really hurt by Amber’s recent accusations that he’s a mean drunk who assaulted her with an iPhone.

The source describes his current condition as being “an emotional mess.” Thankfully he has touring around Europe with his band, The Hollywood Vampires, and drinking with random fans till 4am to keep his mind off the shit show that is his life.

“The concerts and the tour are good for him. He doesn’t want to let his fans down. It’s the best distraction. He is still very upset about his mom and about all the Amber drama.”

The source adds that his team is keeping a close watch on him to make sure he doesn’t get out of control with the boozing. Adds another “source” whose breath probably smells like stinky tonsils and dirty silver tooth caps: “Yeah, and they’re being a real buzzkill.”

While Johnny is staring emotionally out his hotel window and drawing a broken heart in the condensation from his hot breath, what is Amber getting up to? When J Harvey reported this this weekend that Amber is suing comedian Doug Stanhope for defamation of character, he included a bunch of recent pictures of her leaving an office building in Beverly Hills. As it turns out, it was the office belonging to Gloria Allred. A source tells People that Amber was meeting with Gloria for a four-hour “consultation” on Friday.

Gloria hasn’t held a press conference to confirm that she’s representing Amber yet, so we can’t be sure that that’s a thing that will happen. But if it does, then it may soon be time to upgrade Johnny’s condition from “emotional mess” to “public relations nightmare.” The only thing worse than seeing the words “Amber Heard accuses Johnny Depp of something else” is seeing it followed by “….and here’s a very upset Gloria Allred to tell you all about it.”

Pic: Splash

A Sad(ish) Chris Brown Talks About Rihanna In The Trailer For “Welcome To My Life”

Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”

Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.

The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.

Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.

But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:

“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”

Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.

George Clooney Doesn’t Want To Watch George Clooney Get Old On Camera

Unlike his pal Brad Pitt, who appears to have found a rip in the space-time continuum and is aging backwards, George Clooney is clearly getting older every year. In the real world, getting older has tons of benefits: people don’t care if you fall asleep in the middle of the day with your pants off, stores and restaurants practically throw discounts at you.

And even if you hate the idea of getting old, at least vain bitches in the real world have the option of aging in the privacy of their own homes. In Hollywood, you have to do it all on a giant screen. If you’re lucky, you might be able to bribe someone in post-production to CGI the Cryptkeeper out of your face. But it sounds like George Clooney doesn’t want to go to such effort. George told the BBC (via People) that as he gets wrinklier and saggier, he’s probably going to hide behind the camera and direct a whole lot more.

“It’s a very unforgiving thing, the camera is, so aging becomes something you try to do less and less onscreen. You try to pick the films that work best for you and as you age they become less and less. As you age onscreen you get to that point where you really understand you can’t stay in front of the camera for your whole life.”

George has said in the past that he has no plans to de-old his face with surgery, so that option is out.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think George is making too big of a deal out of getting older in the face. George could start to look like a geriatric Shar Pei, and his loyal legion of horny Cloonies will still send him love letters and locks of hair. The only thing that will change is that now their fantasies will be about giving the sponge bath to Dr. Doug Ross instead of the other way around.

Pic: Splash

Kylie Jenner Klaims Kris Jenner Cut Her Off Financially 3 Years Ago

Even Kris Jenner is like “Hahahahah! That’s a good one! All jokes aside, don’t forget to remind me to transfer your $19,500 weekly allowance from my bank account in Hell to yours when we get back from whatever event I’m pimping you out at here.”

Today’s reason for pulling out that trusty old “Sure, Jan” GIF is brought to you by Kylie Jenner, who recently admitted to InStyle UK (via UsWeekly) that she hasn’t seen any kash from Pimp Mama Kris since 2012. That would mean that according to Kylie, Pimp Mama Kris kut her off when she was 14 years old. Uh huh.

“My Mom cut me off financially three years ago so I pay for everything – my car, my gas and food as well as my clothes. There are so many outfits I bought in the past that I just think now are NOT cute – but there’s not very much I can do about it!”

“In the past“? Girl…

But really, does Kylie think we’re all dumb enough to believe that a 17-year-old bought a $2.7 million house with the money she made selling hair extensions? And that she pays for her lip fillers, how – with the loose change she finds in between the couch cushions of Khloe’s ass? Rich teenager, PLEASE. Who does she think negotiates her KUWTK kontrakt every year? PMK may not be handing her an envelope of kash every month, but she’s still on PMK’s payroll.

If Kylie is telling the truth and she hasn’t seen a penny from her mom in years, at least we know there’s still an adult in her life who can cover the bill if money’s tight that month. Speaking of, here’s Kylie’s adult boyfriend Tyga taking her to the movies last night.

Pics: Splash