Category: Hugh Hefner
Crystal Hefner Probably Won’t Inherit Anything From Hef’s Estate
Marrying Hugh Hefner sounds like the American Gold-Digging Dream come true, but apparently it’s anything but. It sounds like all you really get out of the deal is a famous last name. 31-year-old Crystal Hefner – the widow of Hugh Hefner, who died Wednesday night at 91 of natural causes – might have married a millionaire, but according to UsWeekly, she’s not about to become one.
Hugh Hefner Has Died
Anyone who has ever snuck a peek at a Playboy magazine found in the woods or under their dad’s side of the mattress should be observing a moment of silence today. Although I have a feeling Hugh Hefner would be flattered if your moment involved 5-to-10 minutes alone with one of his magazines.
Hugh Hefner Laughs At Death
The LAPD rang the Playboy Mansion’s doorbell yesterday (you can only image what that sounds like) to check on Hugh Hefner. TMZ called them in after receiving a tip that the legendary dirty old man had upgraded from bunnies to angels. Harvey Levin’s minions had him as dead! (Spoiler alert: he’s not.)
The Playboy Mansion Is Officially Owned By Someone Other Than Hugh Hefner
The Los Angeles Times says that after being on the market for seven months, the Playboy Mansion has been sold for $100 million. The romantic in me was hoping that Hugh Hefner would sell it to a bunny with big dreams and a piggy bank full of crumpled-up singles, but the truth is a lot less cute than that. It was bought by a 33-year-old son of a billionaire named Darren Metropoulos who owns an investment company that co-owns brands like Hostess, Chef Boyardee, and Duncan Hines. There were rumors that Darren’s deal to buy the place fell apart, but that didn’t happen, and now he owns the Playboy Mansion. Do I smell some kind of creative tie-in with Chef Boyardee? Playboy Bunny-shaped pasta and questionable meatballs in a creamy alfredo sauce.
Darren won’t actually be able to move in anytime soon. Hugh Hefner has lived at the Playboy Mansion for 45 years, and according to a stipulation in the sale, he’s allowed to live there for the rest of his life. Playboy Enterprises will pay $1 million a year to lease the property from Billionaire Darren.
$100 million may seem like a whole lot of money for a home that you can’t live in until the current tenant dies, is covered in wood-paneling, and comes with a lawn covered in peacock poop. But compared to the asking price, it was a steal. The Playboy Mansion was originally listed at $200 million. $100 million is also the biggest home sale recorded in Los Angeles history. To put it into perspective, Spelling Manor sold for $85 million. But really, the money is irrelevant. I mean, how can you put a price on the smell of old man, sun-baked silicone, Viagra, peroxide, hair extension glue, and clean-up rags?
Pic: E!
Kendra Wilkinson Claims That Holly Madison Was Hef’s “Clean-Up Girl”
Since Holly Madison is peddling a new book called The Vegas Diaries, she is once again going on about how being a member of Hugh Hefner’s harem of rotating plastic blondes killed her inside and that she was constantly living in fear because of competition with the other hos. Holly’s face is on the cover of this week’s People under the words, “I Was Living in Fear,” and well, her arch rival Kendra Wilkinson had something to say about it. And thanks to Kendra, the walls of my nightmares will be covered with new images.
Pamela Anderson’s Naked Body Will Be One Of The Last Naked Bodies In Playboy
This is obligatory: CHARO WAS ROBBED!
Playboy announced two months ago that the end of a Photoshopped lady crotch era was upon us, because they made the decision to stop putting naked chicks in their magazine. The January/February 2016 issue of Playboy will be the last issue that will give eyeballs a serving of twat that’s been Photoshopped so much it looks like a silicone mini oven mitt. Of course, since Pamela Anderson’s naked body has been inside of Playboy the most times (14 covers and 15 spreads), they asked her to be on the cover of the final all-nudie issue. 48-year-old Pamela tells Entertainment Tonight that Hugh Hefner’s lawyer called her and said that there’s only one beauty they want for the cover and it’s Charo, but since Charo said no, they were willing to settle for her ass.
The Canadian-American rose (who is giving me porn parody Harley Quinn on that cover) said a while ago that her sons were teased in school because their mom’s nipples and poon are all over the Internet. So she asked them if she should do Playboy again. Her sons, 19-year-old Brandon and 17-year-old Dylan, both told her to do it:
“I said, ‘Hef just called, he wants me to do the last cover of Playboy,’ and [Brandon] goes, ‘Mom you’ve got to do it. We’re older, we’re not embarrassed anymore of you. You know, we think you’re great.’ He was so excited. He may have high-fived me!
And then I asked Dylan too, and Dylan’s like, ‘Mom, you know you’ve done it all.’ I don’t know what to say but they were really excited for me, and I was excited too.”
I love Dylan’s response. It’s like he shrugged and said, “The entire world has seen dad’s dick go into your vagina, so what’s another few pictures of your naked body?”
The pictures were taken by Ellen von Unwerth and the interview was done by actor/performance artist/journalist/author/director/mind of our generation James Franco.
Playboy wouldn’t be Playboy if they didn’t Photoshop Pamela’s new pictures to infinity and beyond, but while they were at it, they should’ve added a few sparkles of life in Hugh Hefner’s eyes. He kind of looks like a taxidermied turtle. Although, maybe “the pimp tortoise and the trampy hare” is what they were going for in that picture. Art!
Pics: Ellen von Unwerth/Playboy