Lupita Nyong’o And Jared Leto Might Be A Thing (Again)

No, you didn’t fall into some kind of weird time rip that sucked you back in time to last year’s awards season where all anyone could talk about was whether or not Lupita Nyong’o was humping on the Greasy Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto. It’s still 2015, and we’re still wondering if Lupita Nyong’o is currently spending her mornings washing Jared’s musty bike seat ball stink off her down-lows.

The last time we checked in on Lupita love life, she was dating Canadian rapper K’naan. Not Canada’s best rapper, but I digress. But UsWeekly says that relationship is as dead as Jared’s peroxide-dipped split ends, and she was seen getting “very flirty” with Jared during a SAG Awards afterparty in Sunday night. A source claims:

“He came in and spoke to Harvey [Weinstein] for a second, than raced right for Lupita. He hugged her and started whispering to her quietly.” The unattached actress was receptive to Leto’s attention, following his lead as he “dragged her right to the dance floor.”

While dancing, the stars “were whispering and laughing” closely together. “At one point they were sticking their tongues out at each other and staring into each others eyes. It was very flirty. Then Jared said he had to go but he told her to text him later and he ran off.”

Lupita was probably just checking his tongue for traces of Horny Rodent Rot. Of course, an insider (the stoned lice that live in Jared’s hair) tells Hollywood Life that you can stop picturing the words Mrs. Lupita Let’o, because the rumor that they’re humping on each other is 100% bullshit:

“Jared and Lupita are super super close and really good friends. It definitely could have been looked at as a major flirt fest but they are so close from spending so much time in last years award season that they just started from where they left off, the affection comes from a friendly place and not a budding relationship. They are not dating.”

Just friends, eh? Well in that case, I’d like to remind Lupita that it’s her job as Jared’s friend to make sure he doesn’t leave the house looking like a total mess. Friends don’t let friends show up to the SAG Awards looking like a low-budget Carrie Bradshaw, Lupita.

Pic: AP

These Crazy Hos Are At It Again

It’s been so calm and so peaceful without the sound of Halle Berry shrieking the skin off of her tonsils as Olivier Martinez growls while punching the pretty out of Gabriel Aubry’s face. I was beginning to think that maybe a judge ordered all of them to take their meds or cool their throbbing assholes of rage by having a seat in a bowl of ice. But it’s been quiet because Halle has been re-charging her crazy and now she’s ready to go for round I Lost Count. The sound of the birds chirping and the wind blowing will once again be drowned out by the sound of Halle and Gabriel gnawing  at each other’s throats while fighting over her money.

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Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again

Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.

TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.

Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!

When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.

Another Day, Another ‘Mimi Performed For A Dictator’ Story

Is there a fucking echo in here?!? Less than two weeks ago I wrote about Mariah Carey performing for a maybe-sorta-probably Dictator-type, which came less than two years after Mariah performed for definitely-absolutely bad guy Gaddafi, and here we are again! I honesty thought she’d have enough sense to space out her blood-money gigs one or two years apart, but I guess when an opportunity for you to clickity-clack-make-that-money comes along, you don’t have enough time to take a peek at who’s signing your cheques.

Amnesty International should confirm with Mimi which address they have on file, because clearly their pamphlets and newsletters have not been getting to her house.  According to Radar, Mimi spent New Year’s Eve performing at a party hosted by Hassanal Bolkiah aka the Sultan of Brunei aka ANOTHER FUCKING DICTATOR-TYPE:

Carey’s New Year’s host at London’s Dorchester Hotel — and likely the one who signed her paycheck — has been “absolute ruler” of the nation of Brunei since 1967 and amended the country’s constitution to make himself “infallible” in 2006. According to CBS News, his government has been accused of “arbitrary detention; limiting freedoms of press, speech and assembly; restricting religious freedom; discriminating against women; restricting labor rights; and exploitation of foreign workers.”

Bolkiah also recently announced that he will rule his country according to Islamic Sharia laws in 2014, which will make it legal for adulterers to be stoned to death, thieves to have their hands cut off, and worse.

Carey will likely plead ignorance to his behavior, though she has been close friends with the Sultan’s son, Prince Azim, for years.

Oh my god, Mimi, who’s next? Admiral General Haffaz Aladeen? Kim Jong-un? The re-animated ghost of Idi Amin? And why stop at real-life super villains? You think your agent could book you a gig singing for Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from Django Unchained or at Skeletor’s birthday party at Castle Grayskull? The sky is the limit, Mariah! We haven’t even touched on how much money you could make from singing for Dr. Evil or Jafar from Aladdin!

(Pic via Instagram)

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lilo Shows Up 2 Hours Late For A Paid Appearance

1. Fire sobriety coach – Check
2. Move partying from apartment back to clubs – Check
3. Show up late to work – Check

If Lindsay Lohan is as predictable as I think she is, then we better shut down the entire length of the Pacific Coast Highway and put a lawyer on retainer, because pre-rehab Lindsay is back, bitches! I know she’s currently in New York, but it’s only a matter of time before Los Angeles jewellery stores notice all their necklaces are missing, and a thick cloud of damp self-tanner and vodka hangs like a curse over Sunset Blvd.

TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan’s appearance at the Foxwoods casino in Connecticut last night wasn’t as tidy as you’d imagine an appearance by Lindsay Lohan at a boozy casino party would be. Lindsay was paid $50,000 to appear at 10pm to pose for pictures and talk to fans on the red carpet (a red carpet for a Halloween party at a Connecticut casino? Sure, why not). Instead, Lindsay pulled a classic Lindsay Lohan move by appearing nearly 2 hours late at 11:43pm and blowing passed the red carpet. You guys, my mouth is AGAPE due to how STUNNED I am. None of this makes any sense! Lindsay said recently that she’s eager to get back to work, so why would she show up nearly 2 hours late to a job she worked so hard to get? Wait a second; it looks like my computer was accidentally set to ‘hopefully naive‘. Let me switch it back to ‘painfully cynical’.

Foxwoods is now trying to renegotiate her contract so that they don’t have to pay her the entire $50,000. Did nobody at Foxwoods think to do a background check? Jesus, you can’t apply for a job wiping tables at McDonalds without them searching deep into the caverns of your work history (“It says here you once sneezed on a towel at Bed Bath & Beyond. Thank you for your time, you can see yourself out“). Before agreeing to sign over THAT MUCH MONEY to Lindsay Lohan, someone should have said: “Hey, lemme just throw her name into Google to see if she has a history of being a complete deadbeat, and I just broke Google. Sorry.”

The only reason Foxwoods isn’t reneging on the whole amount is because when she did finally show up, Lindsay did a decent job of hosting a costume contest with Floyd Mayweather. Jesus, how difficult would that be? The winner is…that guy dressed up as Miley Cyrus and that girl dressed up as a slutty fire hydrant. There, I just hosted a costume contest from my laptop, no big deal. Hosting a costume contest at a casino is the least shameful activity on Lindsay’s ‘Shit I’d Do For $50,000’ list, so unless she wants to put her best wig on and go back to the more soul-crushing jobs, she better start showing up to casino parties on time.