1. Fire sobriety coach – Check
2. Move partying from apartment back to clubs – Check
3. Show up late to work – Check
If Lindsay Lohan is as predictable as I think she is, then we better shut down the entire length of the Pacific Coast Highway and put a lawyer on retainer, because pre-rehab Lindsay is back, bitches! I know she’s currently in New York, but it’s only a matter of time before Los Angeles jewellery stores notice all their necklaces are missing, and a thick cloud of damp self-tanner and vodka hangs like a curse over Sunset Blvd.
TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan’s appearance at the Foxwoods casino in Connecticut last night wasn’t as tidy as you’d imagine an appearance by Lindsay Lohan at a boozy casino party would be. Lindsay was paid $50,000 to appear at 10pm to pose for pictures and talk to fans on the red carpet (a red carpet for a Halloween party at a Connecticut casino? Sure, why not). Instead, Lindsay pulled a classic Lindsay Lohan move by appearing nearly 2 hours late at 11:43pm and blowing passed the red carpet. You guys, my mouth is AGAPE due to how STUNNED I am. None of this makes any sense! Lindsay said recently that she’s eager to get back to work, so why would she show up nearly 2 hours late to a job she worked so hard to get? Wait a second; it looks like my computer was accidentally set to ‘hopefully naive‘. Let me switch it back to ‘painfully cynical’.
Foxwoods is now trying to renegotiate her contract so that they don’t have to pay her the entire $50,000. Did nobody at Foxwoods think to do a background check? Jesus, you can’t apply for a job wiping tables at McDonalds without them searching deep into the caverns of your work history (“It says here you once sneezed on a towel at Bed Bath & Beyond. Thank you for your time, you can see yourself out“). Before agreeing to sign over THAT MUCH MONEY to Lindsay Lohan, someone should have said: “Hey, lemme just throw her name into Google to see if she has a history of being a complete deadbeat, and I just broke Google. Sorry.”
The only reason Foxwoods isn’t reneging on the whole amount is because when she did finally show up, Lindsay did a decent job of hosting a costume contest with Floyd Mayweather. Jesus, how difficult would that be? The winner is…that guy dressed up as Miley Cyrus and that girl dressed up as a slutty fire hydrant. There, I just hosted a costume contest from my laptop, no big deal. Hosting a costume contest at a casino is the least shameful activity on Lindsay’s ‘Shit I’d Do For $50,000’ list, so unless she wants to put her best wig on and go back to the more soul-crushing jobs, she better start showing up to casino parties on time.