Since I live in a fantasy world where the only relationships that matter are television relationships, I’ve tried not to get involved in Jared Leto’s love life; unless he’s dating Angela Chase, it’s unimportant to me. But I sort of started to give a bit of a care (like a handful of care) when I heard the definition-of-random rumor that he was dating class-act Lupita Nyong’o. And because I have an interest in communicable diseases, I started to really care when I heard he was maybe ‘making the fuck’ on Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately, during her appearance on Ellen today, Lupita seems to be just as baffled as we are and isn’t able to make sense of this messy love triangle either:
Ellen DeGeneres: You’re actually in tabloids, which means you’ve really made it. Because there are rumors that you and Jared Leto are together.
Lupita Nyong’o: Ah, but I thought Miley Cyrus broke us up. That was the last thing I heard. It’s crazy, cause when I read these rumors, they’re so detailed that even I start to question whether they’re true or not. I know I’ve believed them in the past and now I guess I can’t believe anything.
How classy is she? Ah, but I thought. I’m stealing that; I’m going to sound so sophisticated the next time I reach for a deep burn. “Ah, but I thought I sensed something chubby and corny.” Even though Lupita would NEVER call someone chubby and corny; she seems more like the silent type that can take a bitch to task with a carefully administered side-eye.
I was so hopeful this was turning into a modern-day The Boy Is Mine with Lupita playing the part of Brandy and Miley playing the part of Monica (in this version, Monica is an aggressive horny rodent who’s built up a tolerance to the rabies vaccine) but it sounds like Lupita doesn’t care much for drama school theatrics or playing the press. Rats. There goes the possibility of hearing the phrase “Close your legs and leave my man alone, you Carolina Herrera-clad ho!” on Oscar night.