Heinz felt the wrath of Latin Americans and Utahns (that looked weird to my eyeballs too but the internet tells me that’s what you call people from Utah) last year when they released a totally forward and brand new condiment called Mayochip, which was basically what you’d get if a tomato jacked off on a puddle of whipped egg whites. I guess Heinz can’t get enough of their customer service department getting hit with more dollops of RAGE because they’re back with two new products and one is going to piss off any fan of Mr. Show. Heinz has squirted up Mayomust (which looks like the aftermath of a golden shower orgy, but is really just mayonnaise and mustard) and Mayocue (which looks like the aftermath of a scat orgy, but is really just mayonnaise and BBQ sauce).
Heinz’s Mayomust and Mayocue will be in stores next month, and they said in a statement that they’ve taken care of the extremely difficult and callous-causing activity of squirting some mayo with some mustard.
“Sauce lovers nationwide have been mixing different condiments to create flavor combinations that will take their favorite foods to the next level for years. First with Mayochup sauce and now with Mayocue and Mayomust sauces, we’re taking out the guesswork to give our fans the perfect condiment blends from the start!”
Because Heinz is a greedy ass corporation, nowhere in their statement does it say, “And we couldn’t do this without Mr. Show! The check is in the mail!”
Mayomust is a mayomustNOT for me because of the name alone. It sounds like the film that covers the dick shaft of a dude who jacks off three times a day with his own spit but never showers. It could’ve been worse, though, they could’ve called it Mayotard, which was probably their first choice. And if you want to get ahead of Heinz, go through all the sauces and condiments in your refrigerator to come up with their next creation. I’m thinking Mayoyaki (mayo and teriyaki), mayolish (mayo and relish), mayoracha (mayo and sriracha), and mayomen (mayo and semen). What?! You don’t keep a jar of organic grass-freed semen in your fridge? The hell kind of gourmet are you?