Waiting For La Toya

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin’ out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman’s (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would’ve never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I’m sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn’t there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I’m looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

Glamberace Isn’t Afraid Of A Little Titty

Just because Glamberace prefers peen on his lips, doesn’t mean that he gets the “ewwwws” in his glitter hole when he touches a tittay. I’m gayer than an episode of Small Wonder, and I have been known to journey into the land of boobies every now and again. Let’s face it, no matter how you take your coffee, chichis are still fun to play with. Playing with chichis: America’s favorite past(present and future)time! The same goes for peen, and everyone just needs to admit that already.

Anyway, in the new issue of Details Magazine (a straight magazine for gays), Glamberace gayhandles a nekkid woman by gropping her ladynipple and biting on her ladythigh. If you ever want to SCANDAL up a photo shoot, just throw in a nekkid lady. It works every time (not really).

And as much as these pictures wet my bitches (typo and it stays), I have to admit that KD Lang and Cindy Crawford did it better.

Visit Details if you want to read about Glamberace kissing ladies, being a slutbag and how he’s sick of religious hos giving him crucifixes.

Lovin’ At The 7-Eleven

Nothing makes me want to suck on a tongue like the succulent scent of week-old hot dogs, urine and burnt coffee. Glamberace and his main squeeze obviously feel the same way, because here they are mouth fucking in the parking lot of 7-Eleven yesterday night. Personally, I’d rather make-out in the 7-Eleven bathroom, but they are classier than I am, so they took it outside.

And since we’re sort-of on the subject of convenience stores, here’s an 11-minute long video of me visiting my neighborhood bodega last Tuesday at 11 in the morning.

Just so you know, I had a giant bowl of fresh vegetables and big glass of tomato juice that morning. Memaw Ruth was RIGHT!

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Dumbass

You know how sometimes when you’re passed out drunk your friends (or in my case, your own mother) will write words like “DRUNK, WHORE, SKANK, PEEN SUCKER” all over your face? Well, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck of Belgium claims that’s what happened to her (sort-of). Except the fresh graffiti on her face wasn’t from a Sharpie and couldn’t be washed off with water or even hot gasoline. This fugness is pretty much permanent!

Kimmy tells the Daily Mail that she paid a Romanian tattoo artist £55 to decorate her face with only three stars. Kimmy, who might have the worst case of narcolepsy ever, says she fell asleep while the dude had a sharp needle on her face and woke up covered in STARZ. 56 stars to be exact.

Kimmy is suing the tattoo artist for £8,500, because that’s how much it’s going to cost to get them all removed. Kimmy says that she told him she only wanted 3 stars in English and French, but he must have misunderstood her. The tattoo artist says that Kimmy is made of lies, because she specifically asked for 56 stars. He said she was awake and even looked at the mirror a few times. He went on to say, “The trouble all started when she went home and her father and boyfriend threw a fit. They are saying things now like I doped her or hypnotized her. What rubbish!” It’s safe to say that he’s MADDER THAN FISH GREASE.

I’ve never had a tattoo, but I’m pretty sure that if you had a sharp ass needle right on your bone you wouldn’t be skipping through the clouds in dreamland. The stupid bitch got the tattoo and her father threatened to quit her ass over it, so she played dumb.

It’s really not that bad either. It kind of looks like her ear is queefing out stars. It’s like Glamberace scooted all over her face. Look on the bright side. Or should I say, the “STARZ” side (GONG!!!!).

Kimmy is moaning that she can’t leave the house now, “I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.”

Um. I’ve got news for Kimmy. The star bukkake on her face is less ridiculous than that SEXY belt buckle she’s wearing.

Glamberace’s Shocking Revelation!

Glamberace smokes pot! SHOCKING! MIND-BOGGLING! ……..And he also likes a giant peen with his morning coffee.

This is the big “NO SHIT” issue of Rolling Stone where Glamberace reveals that he’s as gay as….well…as Glamberace. I mean, butterflies flutter into his peen hole! I’m gayer than a Rooty Tooty breakfast and butterflies don’t fly into my peen hole! And why is that snake having a conversation with Glamberace’s magic stick? Or is it trying to get a piece?

So Glamberace says that he decided to wait to come out, because he felt doing it on the cover of Rolling Stone would be “cooler.” Glamberace puckered his precious lips and said, “I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler.’ I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context (ed note: NO YOU DIDN’T, GURRRRL!). I’m proud of my sexuality. I embrace it. It’s just another part of me. I’m trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader.”

You can thank some kind of mood-altering drug for leading the glittery unicorn to American Idol. Glamberace said he had a “psychedelic experience” at Burning Man which made him realize that Idol was the quickest way for him to be taken seriously in the music industry.

He didn’t want to declare his gayness while competing on Idol, because he wanted the focus to remain on his talent and not the fact that he likes dick. Glammy added, “I’m an entertainer, and who I am and what I do in my personal life is a separate thing. it shouldn’t matter. Except it does. It’s really confusing.”

And there you go. Glamberace is gay. The world keeps spinning. Well, not my world, because I’m still kind of upset that butterflies don’t fly into my no-no. Maybe I need to drizzle a little hummingbird juice on it?

Quween Saves Another One!

There was another battle in a parking lot in Beverly Hills today! A group of “pos-a-rassi” swarmed a helpless glittery unicorn who was just trying to find his way! Thankfully, out of nowhere the defender of all celebwhores swooped in to save him! When you have Quween by your side, you know you will make it out alive! You also know that you will probably get into your car with your wallet and Blackberry missing, but you can buy it back at Quween’s weekend sidewalk sale! Do these bitches expect her to work for free?! Rocks don’t buy themselves!

Below is a clip of Quween rescuing Glamberace today. You might want to pop a Dramamine if you decide to hit play. And I think I have those same jeans Glamberace is wearing. Hmmm…anybody in the mood for a trash can bonfire tonight?