Glamberace Is Not Apologizing

ABC says they received over 1,500 calls from hos complaining about Glamberace getting a crotch full of man face during his performance on the AMAs last night. They would have gotten even more complaints, but ABC washed the faux beej away for the West Coast feed. They also edited JLo’s mega ass becoming one with the floor. If I was on the West Coast, I’d send ABC hate mail for keeping me from the best parts of that caca fiesta.

Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly) asked Glamberace what he thought about ABC cutting the man-on-peen action out of his performance for the West Coast viewers. Glamberace cried “Discrimination!” He said, “You know honestly, if I offended some people… it’s apples and oranges. I’m not an artist that does things for every single person. I believe in artistic freedom and expression, I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren’t really for everybody either. There’s a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I’m a male, and I’ll be edited and discriminated against could be a problem. People are scared and it’s really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things, it’s all for a laugh, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

What does Glamberace expect? This is ABC we’re talking about. ABC is a family network owned by Disney. And Disney is the upholder of all things moral. They have a pristine reputation they need to look after. I mean, just look at Miley Cyrus…. Oh, wait……

I take it all back. FUCK YOU, ABC! You fake blow job haters!

For Your Taintertainment

If a high school drama teacher (who works as a dominatrix on the weekends) directed Frankenstein in a musical homage to Paula Abdul’s Cold Hearted Snake video and Showgirls, it might look a little like Glamberace’s performance on the AMAs last night. Glamberace worked overtime to make sure Middle-America covered their children’s eyes with bibles while watching his orgy extravaganza.

You know, I’m all for doing slut shit on prime time TV, but this mess was way too staged. Glamberace was like a hooker giving a handjob to an obese man who smells like cold brisket and algae. He was just going through the motions. It’s like he was thinking, “Okay, now I have to dry face fuck this dude wearing Tommy Girl’s favorite weekend outfit. Okay, now I have to slide over here and pull this chick’s crotch belt. Okay, now I’m going to violently make out with this SamRo-type. Okay, now I’m going to try to outdo JLo’s tumble….” Glamberace’s peen was probably asleep the entire time.

I mean, that kiss was as erotic as a Snuggie. It looked like a gorilla sucking food out of another gorilla’s mouth.

And I really knew his performance wasn’t going well, when my dog lit a fire under my smoke detector so that the blaring sound of the alarm could drown out Glamberace’s “hyena getting DPed” screeches. Judge for yourself:

Glamberace Got Oral With A Girl Once

Out Magazine named their 100 honorees, and Glamberace was hailed as the breakout of the year. Since Out is a gay magazine, I would expect them to ask Glamberace about how Ryan Gaycrest would always offer to give him a bikini wax with his tongue. You know, interesting things like that. But instead, they got to talking about his experience with the other kind of vagina.

Are you toying with perception when you talk about how you could be bi-curious? Or are you generally attracted to women?
I will make out with a girl at a bar. I mean, after a couple of drinks.

[Laughing] That doesn’t make you any less gay. Get three mai tais in a gay boy and he’ll make out with a girl. Sex is something different.
That’s why I say I’m curious. There are gay guys that gag and go “eww” at the thought of having sex with a girl. I’m curious about it, because I’ve never done it.

Have you ever had any sex with a girl?
Oral.

You went down on her?
Uh-huh.

Was it gross, or it was just not what you wanted?
It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been. It wasn’t the act of it that really turned me off. I don’t really remember. I was 18 and I was drunk. Or maybe I was 17… The point of the matter is that I would not rule it out. The idea is intriguing.

And it’s threatening.
Well, it’s threatening personally because you start identifying as a certain thing for so long, the idea of kind of going outside of that is scary because you’re like, “But that’s who I am!” Being curious and embracing that curiosity is all a part of what I’m about. You don’t have to be any one thing. You can kinda just be. Just live your life — and play.

If it was Glamberace’s first time at the clambake, how did he know if she was dirty down there or not? I sampled from the oyster buffet in the 90s (WE ALL DID), and it didn’t make me want to reach for the barf bag or anything. Mostly, I just closed my eyes, clicked my heels and wished that a 9-inch peen would pop out.

I’m guessing that stank snatch is just like stank dick. When dick is rancid, you know as soon as you pull the fly down. Seriously, you can smell it right away. It’s like a week-old grilled cheese sandwich lying on a hot subway seat in the middle of August. Your nose hairs curl, your tonsils start throbbing and your slut skills are put to the test. You have to ask yourself if licking peen is really worth spending the next few days scraping dick butter off your tongue. And if your tongue comes across a big chunk of foreskin cheese, IT IS ALL OVER. MAN DOWN CODE 10.

And don’t ask me how I went from Glamberace licking on vag to the dangerous world of dirty dick sucking.

Glamberace Doesn’t Waste Any Time

Glamberace’s sparkly jizz hasn’t even finished drying on Derek LaBry’s chest, and he’s already got himself a new piece. Earlier this week, Glamberace confirmed that he’s no longer skipping through the clouds with Derek, because he needs to focus on his album. Well, Glamberace must have found time to focus on something else too: another dude’s wang.

A source tells Star Magazine that the extra-terrestrial unicorn is getting a little closer to singer/songwriter Ferras Alqaisi. The source went on to yap, “They have a lot in common, so I’m not surprised Adam started falling for him. Adam really dropped a bomb on Drake; I don’t think he suspected a thing!”

Oh, it happens. Sometimes the only way to get the taste of your ex’s peen out of your mouth is to gargle with a different peen. This is probably just a Listerine fuck and nothing more.

Glamberace Is Single

Radar reports that Shia LaFabulous (government name: Drake LaBry) is no longer wet riding on Glamberace’s unicorn horn, because the two have called it a day. Apparently, Drake packed up his tweezers and suspenders after taking one look at Glamberace’s album cover. Even Drake could not condone that kind of fuckery. No, one source said that the relationship just reached its expiration date and the two are still friends.

Drake probably just woke up and realized he was sick of spending most of his day scrubbing out glitter sperm, rainbow smegma and black eyeliner from his sheets. It can be messy sharing a bed with a magical alien unicorn like Glamberace.

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

Glamberace Fierce

The cover for Glamberace’s single “For your EnterTAINTment” isn’t going to transport you to a planet where glittery unicorns ejaculate rainbows (aka Planet Cornify) like his album portrait, but it might make your fuck hole inhale until it goes blue. That’s a compliment. I think. And is it just me or does Glamberace’s finger joo-ree look like mini dick-cuffs for a chain gang bang? Tommy Girl will order a dozen!

Listen to Glamberace’s song below and tell me if it’s about getting gay raped in an S&M disco club. Or not.

VIA Queerty