Tobey Maguire Has Been Living That Pussy Posse Life For Months

Yesterday, Tobey Maguire and his wife Jennifer Meyer announced that they’re done being a couple after 9 years of marriage. In their statement, they said that they came to that decision after doing a lot of “soul searching.” And according to Page Six, Tobey may have also been doing a lot of “hole searching” in the past few months while hitting up the clubs with the Pussy Posse (I still refuse to call them the Wolf Pack). 2016 has been chock-full of weirdness and that includes us gossiping about the adventures of Tobey Maguire’s dick.

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Halle Berry Denies That She Got Herself A Hot Piece Of Ric Flair In The 90s

Don’t you dare e-mail me your dry cleaning bill. It’s not my fault that the sight of white hot daddy Ric Flair in Liberace’s casual loungin’ robe causes crotches to burst.

Retired WWE champion Ric Flair recently bragged on his radio show, The Ric Flair Show, about all of the dozens of famous chicks who have taken a ride on Space Mountain. “Space Mountain” is apparently what Ric calls fuck times with him, which makes sense since like the ride, it doesn’t last long and you’ll be dizzy and disappointed afterward. The Stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun would only say the name of one celebrity he’s done and that’s Halle Berry. But according to Halle Berry’s people, her coochie’s passport doesn’t have a stamp with Space Mountain’s name on it.

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Kevin Spacey’s Hipster Amish-Looking Emmy Date Is Evan From “Evan And Jaron”

Millions of us probably shouted, “Git it, Kevi,” tonight when the Emmys cut to Kevin Spacey sitting in the audience with the lost Hanson brother who ran off to Amish country where he sings and plays guitar every Thursday night in a cold brew coffee shop there.

Kevin Spacey was nominated for the 869th time for House of Cards and sitting next to him was a dude who gave me “Johnny Depp’s stylist” vibes. And sitting behind them were some people who were cursing Kevin’s seat mate out for blocking their view with that douche helmet on his head.

Since random is always finding a way to redefine itself, Kevin’s date is 42-year-old Evan Lowenstein, who made up one-half of the twin brothers pop duo Evan and Jaron. Evan and Jaron did that song that repeatedly fucked our ears raw in the year 2000. I’m going to apologize in advance for putting this in your head again:

Buzzfeed says that Evan doesn’t really do music shit anymore. He’s a manager and he manages Kevin Spacey, which is why they went to the Emmys together. The only thing more random than Evan from Evan and Jaron being Kevin Spacey’s Emmys date is Evan from Evan and Jaron being Kevin Spacey’s manager. I really hope that “early aughts music trick turned manager of a Netflix star”  becomes a thing, because I really want one of the dudes from LFO to be Lily Tomlin’s manager.

And here’s Kevin and his manager friend strolling through Milan together last March:

Pics: Wenn.com

Are Those People Really Boning In The Background?

That story about the heroic French race walker getting the runs (literally) and collapsing before finishing the race has been e-mailed to me 100% more times than this riveting story has, but I already did one Olympic post about a shitty mess caused by an asshole, so I’m going to talk about this couple possibly getting their oceanfront fuck-on instead.

Dan Walker of BBC Sport was reporting live on Copacabana Beach in Rio for the Olympics when viewers tweeted about a dude possibly doing the freestyle front stroke on a lady friend in front of everyone on the sand. If they were really screwing, it’s just screwing! Big deal! But Dan Walker got all embarrassed when viewers pointed it out and he joked that they were hugging or just reading a book…in the dark… and in a weird position. If that’s how you read a book in Brazil, then I need to get on a plane and find a Barnes & Noble in Rio. The clip is below and I’ve watched it a hundred times and I’m still not sure what’s going on. But I do know that this is not what I have in mind when you combine “BBC” and fucking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrSOTe9df2k

All together now: “Matt Lauer, take that fuckery to your hotel room!”

Okay, I know it’s been a while, but isn’t there supposed to be some thrusting action? What’s even weirder is that Dan Walker is supposedly a sports presenter, so where is his play-by-play? Where are the slow-motion clips? Where are the after-performance interviews? Where are the scores? By the way, I give them a perfect 10 (0 for form, but 10 for shamelessness).

via The Wrap 

“They Feel The Heat. The Heat Between Me And Youuuuuuuuu”

All together now! “How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that’s so cold? (Soooooooooo cold!)”

Like the first and second nights of the Republican National Convention, the third night provided more messy awkwardness than bareback ass sex between two people on a juice cleanse. The inspiration for the Trollface meme, Ted Cruz, got the BOO BITCH treatment when he refused to officially endorse the prolapsed hemorrhoid clinging to the inside of his party’s butt walls. Laura Ingraham was accused of pledging her allegiance to Hitler. And Vice Presidential nominee, Mike Pence, stamped “return to sender” on the air kiss that Donald Trump blew at him.

After Anti-Gay Silver Daddy Pence spoke to the people, Donald Trump came out to greet him. Apparently, it’s tradition for the candidates to join hands and do a congratulatory double fisting into the air. But either Trump is continuing to shit on tradition or he’s an old-fashioned romantic, because he skipped the fisting and instead tried to plant an air kiss on Pence’s face. Even though the former (sad face) Trump/Pence logo has gone all the way and got into some p-hole creampie fun, Mike Pence is not ready to go to first base with Trump. This isn’t exactly “Trump motorboating Mayoress Rudella Giuliani” levels of awkward, but it’s up there.

Video: The Trump-Pence air kiss https://t.co/sp3R1Vp8go

— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) July 21, 2016

That’s like a cross between a “kissy fish trying to eat food that’s not there” and a “fresh-off-the-bus innocent ingenue awkwardly giggling at the creepy movie producer who has promised to make her a star, baby.”

And it’s way too early in the day for me to check and expose my eyes to that, but has anyone (read: Ted Cruz) yet Photoshopped Tiny Trump in Mike Pence’s left hand?

Pic: Getty

Courteney Cox And Johnny McDaid Are Giving The Whole “Being Together” Thing A Second Try

If the annual parade of constantly-fucking birds outside my bedroom window have taught me anything, it’s that animals get super horny in the spring. So I shouldn’t exactly be surprised that after being apart all winter, Courteney Cox confirmed that her coochie was officially off the market by strutting along the red carpet of the BMI Pop Awards last night with her former ex-fiance Johnny McDaid.

Monica Geller’s rep hinted back in March that 51-year-old Courteney and her 39-year-old Old Navy mannequin-looking Irish musician piece were giving their relationship a second chance after they called it quits on their engagement six months ago. And as you can see above, yeah, they’re together again. In case it wasn’t clear enough from Courteney and Johnny’s faces, which totally say: “Why yes, we did get to second base in the limo on the way over!“, they also confirmed they were officially back together to UsWeekly with the following exchange:

Courteney Cox: “Well, we love each other and we are – yes, we’re happy!”

Johnny McDaid: “I don’t know if you can put a label on what makes us work so well. But I know that I’ve never loved like I love this woman. So if that’s enough, then that’s enough.”

Courteney Cox: “How do I go after that? It’s poetic. I’m literally going to sound like a toad!“

A source from last night’s BMI Pop Awards also chimed in and told UsWeekly that Courteney and Johnny were “in their own little world“, and that they “stared lovingly into each other’s eyes” and exchanged “goofy little grins” all evening. Goofy little grins? Gross, who are you, Ross and Rachel?

Courteney and Johnny didn’t tell UsWeekly whether or not she has pulled her engagement ring out of whatever desk drawer she threw it in back in November. Maybe they’re taking things slow. Although I’m sure it doesn’t matter to Jennifer Aniston, who has no doubt already yanked her old Maid of Honor sash from Courteney’s first wedding out of storage and started getting to work on planning a booze-filled bachelorette party in Mexico.

Here’s more of Courteney and Johnny at the BMI Pop Awards last night looking like they just came from a city hall wedding.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com