After Being Snubbed From The 100 Most Influential Issue, Laverne Cox Gets Her Own TIME Cover

When TIME Magazine put a sullen malnourished afghan hound on the cover of their 100 Most Influential People, it was very clear they had scraped the bottom of the basic barrel and were in desperate need of some BIC glamour. So it was a unanimous decision that they give this week’s cover to the hottest bitch on Orange Is The New Black. Sadly, the eyeliner teardrop on Flaca’s face was unavailable, so they went with their second choice, Laverne Cox.

Laverne landed her own cover just weeks after the people of the internet hit send on thousands of emails demanding an explanation FOR WHY Laverne was so rudely excluded from TIME’s Influential issue, despite being the #5 pick in an online poll of this year’s most influential people. Nobody from TIME really said much, except for today, when a spokesperson for TIME told BuzzFeed that Laverne’s cover story had been in the works for months. And I can see why they’d want to keep this all very hush-hush; this week’s issue of TIME Magazine is a groundbreaking one. For the first time in history, someone has managed to wear a Hervé Léger bandage dress without looking like a day-shift hooker from Reno. NO! It’s because Laverne Cox is the first transgender person to ever grace the cover of TIME Magazine. I also believe she’s the first person to serve so much damn FACE as well (sorry Tommy Girl, sashay away).

The only thing I don’t understand is why they made her pose as if someone caught her on her way to the bathroom. Do they not give pee-pee breaks on a TIME Magazine shoot? Regardless, aside from giving me shades of a Detrol commercial, it’s impossible for her not to look hot. TIME could have denied her a pee-pee break AND put her in a pair of maxi-pad shower shoes, and Beyoncé would still be leaving angry voicemails demanding a re-shoot and the name of Laverne’s wig person.

The Bearded Golden Angels Rejoice! Conchita Wurst Won Eurovision

Michael Sam became the first openly gay player in the NFL and Conchita Wurst, the glamorous Austrian Jesus in a gorgeous beaded sausage casing, won Eurovision. The only way this weekend could get any better is if an Anderson Cooper Real Doll dropped on my front doorstep and it’s announced that Milk from RuPaul’s Drag Race is going to play Bea Arthur in a biopic for HBO.

Conchita Wurst, the bearded drag queen goddess persona of 25-year-old Thomas Neuwirth, beat all of the other European in the rhinestone-embedded glamorous version of The Hunger Games called Eurovision! Conchita and her song “Rise Like A Phoenix” beat Russia (who got earfuls of boos) and the Ukraine by getting 290 points. The Netherlands got second and Sweden got third. The gold glitter falling from the skies is from the most glamorous angels in heaven jizzing over the news that Conchita Wurst has been crowned the Queen of Europe. Here’s Conchita after winning. All hail Conchita!

Dear Austria, can we trade you a Conchita for a Kardashian?

And here’s syphilis in a beard Russell Brand paying tribute to Conchita on Twitter last night:

Russell Brand tried it, but this is more “unshaven Kim Kardashian at 5 o’clock” than Conchita Wurst.

Michael Sam Celebrates Getting Drafted By Cake Kissing His Boyfriend

Michael Sam became the first every openly gay player to get drafted into the NFL last night when the St. Louis Rams (so many ram jokes, so little time) picked him up and if he makes the team he’ll become the NFL’s first openly gay player. Football is a foreign language to me, so I don’t know what any of those words mean. But I guess it’s wonderful news, because everyone cheered and while ESPN’s cameras were on him when he got the news, the raw emotion flowed out of Michael Sam and he wrapped his “anaconda trying to digest a family of hogs” arms around his hot piece of a boyfriend Vito before kissing him. So, an openly gay black athlete kissed his white boyfriend on TV…. If you pull out your binoculars and look out the window, you might see a charbroiled ball of fried skin flying by. That’s just Donald Sterling’s head flying through the air after it popped off of his neck.

The SEC Defensive Player of the Year, who came out a few months ago, was picked 249th overall. Of course, some hating whores are pissed about this and saying that ESPN shouldn’t show something on TV that the Bible says is wrong! I’m guessing those good Christians also send hate-filled letters to networks that show Red Lobster commercials, because eating shellfish is against God’s word. I also read some “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” comments on other sites. I know, we really need to think of the children and stop torturing them by making them watch the NFL draft on ESPN, because that shit seems boring as fuck.

Yesterday, was an important day for the gay community and also for the two first names community and it’s the beginning of a new era, but with all that being said, I cannot condone this kind of behavior:

CAKE KISSING MUST BE STOPPED! Whenever I go to a wedding and I see the newlyweds smearing cake all over each other’s faces before kissing, I want to call 911 and report an assault on delicious cake. Cake is meant to be eaten! It’s not meant to be used as mouth lube! THINK OF THE CAKE!

Some Good TV News And Some Potentially Shitty TV News

First for the good news since I hardly ever have good news.

For what has felt like centuries, HBO has been tapping all of our hungry parts with a hard dick by teasing about how the greatest TV show of 2005 The Comeback may make a comeback. There’s been rumors for a couple of months that The Comeback’s creator Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow were in talks to do a second season of the show that was way ahead of its time and today Kristin at E! says that it’s actually happening. Scripts are being written and production will start on May 19th. The second season will pick up 9 years later and Malin Ackerman and Kellan Lutz are coming back. The new season will be six episodes and HBO is treating it like a standalone event, but if bitches watch it they’ll bring it back for another season.

YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS!

For 9 years I’ve been praying for the triumphant return of Aunt Sassy and finally my prayers have been answered! It’s a miracle. Now if the powers-that-be above can continue to answer my prayers by turning my body pillow into a lubed-up naked Prince Hot Ginge and make Jello-1-2-3 juice come out of my bathroom faucets.

And now for the potentially shitty news….

Fox must’ve been jealous over the ratings that NBC got for Sound of Music Live! (Well, live except for Carrie Underwood’s wet cardboard acting skills), because they’re planning a live production of Grease to air in 2015. Later this year, NBC is doing that dusty old Peter Pan musical and so Fox is trying to lure in the young whores by doing a young, sexy version of Grease. You’re the one that I’m not sure I want… Deadline says:

Fox’s staging will feature a young ensemble cast, the Casey/Jacobs songs “Summer Nights,” “Greased Lightnin’” and “We Go Together”; as well John Farrar’s “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and ”You’re The One That I Want.” “Greese‘s iconic characters and addictive songs make it the perfect fit for Fox, and we’re going to give it the kind of star power and production quality to make every Sandy, Danny, Rizzo and Kenickie out there want to get up and sing along,” said Shana C. Waterman, Fox’s SVP Event Series. Added Paramount TV president Amy Powell, “It’s incredibly exciting to have one of our first major network productions be based on this universally celebrated Paramount title.”

Since this is Fox, this is probably their dream cast (aka my nightmare cast):

Ariana Non-Fat Grande Latte IS Sandy!
Justin Bieber IS Danny!
Miley Cyrus IS Rizzo!
Harry Styles IS Kenickie!
Chris Colfer IS Patty Simcox!
Jane Lynch in character as Sue Sylvester IS Teen Angel!
Ryan Seacrest IS Vince Fontaine!
Lea Michele IS Frenchy!

They should really consider casting the Biebs as Sandy instead since he’s a bad, bad girl trapped in the body of an innocent ingenue.

And those bitches at Fox better do right and cast La Vampy as my second favorite Grease character Cha-Cha!

MARK THIS DAY: People Magazine Actually Chooses A Worthy “Most Beautiful Person”

People was probably hit with lawsuit after lawsuit last year when eyeballs rolled out of sockets and stomachs heaved themselves up throats and out of mouths when they named freeze dried piece of organic bleached celery Goopy Paltrow as their World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So this year, they decided to spare people from dry barfing until they turn inside/out by putting the world’s sweetheart Lupita Nyong’o on the cover of their annual Clients Of The 50 Hardest Working Publicists In The Game 50 Most Beautiful issue. Everyone keeps saying that Lupita was obviously the only choice and they’re right, but I still hope that the Rhubarb Lady and La Vampy were in the running. Lupita said this about achieving something that is even GREATER than winning an Oscar (served in a tortilla made of sarcasm):

“It was exciting and just a major, major compliment. I was happy for all the girls who would see me on [it] and feel a little more seen.”

People really better slow down and watch it. If they keep putting actual beautiful people on their “Beautiful” issues then we’ll all start to think they went sane and actually know what the definition of “beautiful” is. They don’t want to go and ruin their reputation.

And it’s obvious that decades ago, Julia Roberts threatened to gallop into the homes of People’s editors and eat their children if they don’t put her on every “Beautiful” issue, because every single year there’s her face. The look on Baby Prince George’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about that.

Chelsea Handler Is Drowning Her Sorrows In A Bathtub Full Of Vodka… (UPDATE)

……Well, Chelsea Handler drowns her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka every morning, because it’s part of her daily beauty regimen, but today she has another reason to drown her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka. CBS just announced that the ho who will slide onto David Letterman’s chair after he farts on it for one last time won’t be Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Ellen DeGeneres, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart or Grumpy Cat. It’ll be Stephen Colbert. Here’s a piece of the announcement that CBS burped up:

The CBS Television Network today announced that Stephen Colbert, the host, writer and executive producer of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning “The Colbert Report,” will succeed David Letterman as the host of THE LATE SHOW, effective when Mr. Letterman retires from the broadcast. The five-year agreement between CBS and Colbert was announced by Leslie Moonves, President and CEO, CBS Corporation, and Nina Tassler, Chairman of CBS Entertainment.

“Stephen Colbert is one of the most inventive and respected forces on television,” said Moonves. “David Letterman’s legacy and accomplishments are an incredible source of pride for all of us here, and today’s announcement speaks to our commitment of upholding what he established for CBS in late night.”

“Simply being a guest on David Letterman’s show has been a highlight of my career,” said Colbert. “I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave’s lead.”

Adding, “I’m thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.”

And by “grind a gap in my front teeth” he meant “chip my front tooth as I dive into the pool of gold coins that CBS gave me!”

I guess this means, RIP The Colbert Report. “We did it! We did it!” – Suey Park the godmother of that #CancelColbert shit

UPDATE: Showbiz411 says that Chelsea Handler will most likely take over for Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show. And I hope that Heather McDonald’s long boobs will take Chelsea’s spot on E!.