A Brand New Life Around The Bend! Jonathan From “Who’s The Boss?” Got Married

And now here’s something for us 80s whores, Danny Pintauro, who played Jonathan Bower on Who’s The Boss? and later found his nuts and taint smeared all over the (NSFW) internet, got married to his man Wil Tabares on the beach in Dana Point, CA yesterday. Danny and Wil live in Nevada where marriage isn’t legal for everyone, so they got became husband and husband in California. After 38-year-old Danny became somebody’s husband, he said this to UsWeekly:

“Everything went off without a hitch. The wedding was terrific and everyone was so happy to be there. We had fun! We went into it with no stress or worries or cares, except to have a good time.”

I’m sure Danny and Wil’s wedding was perfect for them and all that shit, but it would’ve been the wedding of the millennium and one hundred percent perfect if the following happened:

1. Judith Light and Tony Danza walked him down the sand aisle together.

2. Cujo sashayed down the aisle as the ring bearer.

3. Danny painted groom brows on his face before getting married. That could’ve been his something new. How the hell are you going to get married without brows?

4. Katherine Helmond officiated the wedding and opened the ceremony by reciting the lyrics to this inspiring and poetic masterpiece:

There were times I lost a dream or two and one of those times was when Mona DID NOT officiate Jonathan’s wedding. 

Pic: Imgur

The Greatest News In The Universe And Beyond: A Jem And The Holograms Movie Is Happening

Fred Phelps is dead, there’s a Bea Arthur iPhone game, the world has been gifted with a boy pussy anthem and Hollywood is making a Jem and the Holograms movie! It’s not only the first day of Spring and International Day of Happiness, it’s also International Gay Day!

I don’t know how I’m typing this, because as soon as I read the headline, “Jon M. Chu is Directing a Jem and the Holograms Film,” I burst into a cloud of star-shaped pink glitter. The day every child of the 80s has been waiting for ever since Jem and the Holograms (and more importantly, my hot bitch idols The Misfits) disappeared off of our TV screens in 1988 has FINALLY arrived. In an announcement that is the video equivalent of God saying, “See, I answer your prayers sometimes,” director Jon M. Chu and producers Jason Blum and Scooter Braun say that they’re making a Jem movie and are asking fans for creative ideas. I hate Scooter Braun for helping to create the urethra plug known as Justin Bieber, but I hate him a little less today. Scooter Braun has somewhat atoned for his sins by trying to make this happen (but he’ll probably fuck it up):

I have 2 issues with this:

1. Jon M. Chu directed G.I. Joe: Retaliation and anybody who rented that mess on VOD and ten minutes in thought to themselves, “I should’ve spent that money on Monster Tacos from Jack in the Box instead,” knows how that turned out.

2. They are moving it to modern day. How can they take what is arguably the Hope Diamond of the 80s and 2014-ize it? Does my soul really want to be exposed to a Jem movie where all the songs are EDM, she communicates with Synergy through FaceTime and her pink star earring is an iEarring by Apple? A Jem movie NEEDS to be made, so I will deal with it.

My dream cast is obvious (Stacey Q in practically every role), so here’s my nightmare cast, which will probably end up being the real cast since Scooter Braun is involved:

Jem / Jerrica Benton – Ke$hit
Kimber Benton – Taylor Swift
Aja Leith – In the cartoon she’s Asian, which means they’ll cast Katy Perry
Shana Elmsford – In the cartoon she’s black, which means they’ll cast Miley Cyrus
Carmen “Raya” Alonso – Selena Gomez

Pizzazz – Emma Roberts
Roxy – Vanessa Hudgens
Stormer – Lorde
Jetta – Jessie J

Synergy – A hologram based on Katherine Heigl and voiced by Goopy Paltrow

But whatever, I’m still going to celebrate with a song!

And another!

UPDATE: Lux, The Cat Who Terrorized A Portland Family, Is Getting Therapy

The fate of Lux, the raging fat pussy who scratched at a baby and held a family hostage in a bedroom, was left up in the air after the police caught his crazy ass and jailed him in a crate. I guessed that Lux would escape out of his crate and assemble an army of fellow angry pussies to get revenge on all of us humans. But Lux’s family says they’re going to keep him and they’re getting him help. Uh huh, they better also get their baby a onesie and bonnet made of armor, because you know Lux is ready for round two.

Lux became an overnight hero to Not The One Pussies everywhere when he went full crazy on Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker and their baby Jesse after Lee kicked him in the ass for scratching Jesse. After barricading themselves in a bedroom in their Portland, OR apartment, Lee called 911 and told the operator that Lux has a “history of violence” and that he “went over the edge.” The cops showed up and after they cleaned up the piss that trickled out of their pant legs from laughing so damn hard, they caught Lux and put him in a crate. Lee and Teresa said at the time that they weren’t sure what they were going to do with Lux. Yesterday, Lee and Teresa told reporters that they’re going to make it work with Lux and a pussy psychologist (Side note: I bet Dimitri the Lover has “pussy psychologist” on his business cards). via HuffPo

Two days after police arrived to subdue the 4-year-old part-Himalayan cat, owner Lee Palmer of Portland said he’s taking the feline to a veterinarian. A pet psychologist also is due at the house to see the cat, named Lux.

“We’re not getting rid of him right now,” Palmer said. “He’s been part of our family for a long time.”

Lee also dropped a little important fact about the details of the night that Lux “terrorized” his family. Lux scratched at the baby after the baby PULLED HIS TAIL! So Lux reasonably declares a massacuh after Jesse pulls his tail and Lee ass kicks him and he’s the one who’s gotta lay down on a tiny sofa and spill out his anger issues to a head doctor?! This is obviously a set up. I thought Lux came at that baby because he was jealous, but now I see that baby is trying to get Lux out of the picture. I see you, trouble-making baby.

But whatever,  I hope that by “pet psychologist” they really mean “Jackson Galaxy” and I hope to see all of this unfold on a future episode of My Cat From Hell. 

Because if anybody can save the day, it’s this pussy whisperer.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Ellen Page Came Out As A Gayelle! (UPDATE)

Okay, yeah, sure we all knew that Ellen Page scissored until her crotch pubes burnt off and you’re probably looking at me like, “Tell me something about Juno, I don’t know, bitch,” but she officially came out at the HRC’s Time to THRIVE conference in Las Vegas tonight. Ellen announced in front of everyone that yeah, she likes cooch, and I think I squirted out a dry tear while reading her coming out speech:

“I’m here today because I am gay. And because maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. It’s weird because here I am, an actress, representing — at least in some sense — an industry that places crushing standards on all of us. Not just young people, but everyone. Standards of beauty. Of a good life. Of success. Standards that, I hate to admit, have affected me.

You have ideas planted in your head, thoughts you never had before, that tell you how you have to act, how you have to dress and who you have to be. I have been trying to push back, to be authentic, to follow my heart, but it can be hard.”

A few seconds after, official President of the Gayelle Union, Rojo Calience, ran up with a welcome basket full of Home Depot gift cards, wooden ducks and flannel shirts. Happy Valentine’s Day to us all! Let’s all celebrate Ellen Page’s coming out by eating some cooch! You go first.

UPDATE: And here’s the video of Juno’s speech, which made the mound of ten-week-old burnt up barbecue charcoal in my chest actually feel something.

If Ellen’s hockey watching partner ASkars should feel the need to say something about this good news, can he please attach a new topless hi-res picture of himself to his statement? Because the AskarsNipples folder on my desktop really needs an update.

Pic via Lance Bass’ Instagram

The DMX vs. George Zimmerman Fight Is Not Going To Happen

Shitty news for those of you who really wanted to see a crackhead turn George Zimmerman into his own personal Kim Kardashian by pissing all over that ho’s fat face, it’s not going to happen. (But now that Kim Kardashian knows that face pissing is involved, she’ll probably sign up for the next match.) DMX was supposed to get into a boxing ring and fight George Zimmerman in a “celebrity” boxing match, because the world is fucked and whores still love watching two fuck-brained pieces of trash fist each other in the face. But the organizer of that trash extravaganza tweeted today that the match has been canceled, because a strange thing happened to his ass that’s never happened before: he grew a sliver of a conscious. Or maybe he finally looked up who George Zimmerman is and realized that there was no room in the budget for a metal detector. Damon Feldman, the organizer of that Stand Your Ground vs. Get It On The Floor shit show, tweeted (and later deleted) this boo hoo bitch statement:

The George Zimmerman fight is canceled I’m sorry for anyone I hurt with this but this was a very big opportunity thank you

I want to thank everyone for the good n bad comments I’ve made the choice to cancel the fight w George Zimmermann more to life then money

It was my decision to cancel the george zimmerman fight it was worth a lot of money to me but people’s feelings meant more to me

I walked away from av million dollar payday with this fight but to be honest I’d rather be happy and make people happy thank you

Since no weapons were going to be allowed (I’m guessing), that fight was going to be a huge mess anyway. DMX is 43 years old and the bad shit has fucked with his body. And George Zimmerman is George Zimmerman, so it would’ve been just the two of them huffing and sweating and hugging on each other and sweating some more and calling for a time out every 5 seconds. It would’ve been like watching KFed and Victoria Prince fuck. And if anybody deserves to get hit it’s Damon Feldman for calling a nobody whose claim to fame is killing a teenager a “celebrity.”

FYI: Jon Gosselin Got Sterilized

Bad news for the zero of you dirty whores who really wanted to spread your chocha for Ed Hardy’s failed wingman Jon Gosselin and let him fuck a baby into you so you can spend the next 18 years chasing him through the woods for a child support check, it’s not going to happen. But good news for all of us, Jon Gosselin is done spawning! While whoring out that Couples Therapy show on Wendy Williams (via People), Jon let it be known that he and his girlfriend Liz Jannetta will never have kids together, because they both turned off their baby making parts. As family court judges threw their legs up in the air and squirted out streams of YES, Jon kept it blunt and simple:

“We can’t have more kids. Yeah, I’m fixed and Liz is fixed.”

Yeah, I know we should all be celebrating in the streets over this news, but I’m pretty sure Jon Gosselin got “fixed” a long ass time ago. When Kate Gosselin sunk her viper teeth into his nutsack and pulled that shit out by the root, she probably Vasectomy’d his ass in the process.