The Human Belvedere Vodka Bottle Is In Talks With CBS For A Late Night Spot

April 5, 2014 / Posted by:

David Letterman barely announced he’s retiring and will start his “sipping Benefiber-tinis while reading Readers Digest” phase of life next year, and a million names have already been burped up as his possible replacement. Every ho is on that list including Tina Fey, Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart and the chatty ass weed dealer who stays way too long at your apartment after he makes a delivery. Craig Ferguson is apparently not even in the mix and CBS will have to pay him at least $8 million if they don’t offer him the job since he has right of first refusal. Six seconds after Letterman said he’s quitting that bitch, Nikki Finke claimed that Stephen Colbert was the only on-air ho that CBS was considering to host the Late Show in 2015. But The Wrap says that CBS is flirting with Chelsea Handler’s ass.

The Wrap’s source says that around the time that Chelsea let it be known that she’s leaving E! in 9 months, CBS asked her if she was into the possibility of hosting a syndicated talk show. Chelsea queefed on that idea, but CBS came back to her and asked her if she was into the possibility of taking David Letterman’s spot. That made Chelsea’s culo lips perk up and now getting the Late Show gig is her #1 priority. Well, technically it’s her #2 priority since her #1 priority is making sure that her body is always made up of 75% vodka. The Wrap put it like this:

She will be meeting with CBS Corp.’s chairman and CEO Les Moonves in the next few weeks to continue the discussions of joining CBS’s late-night lineup, the individual said. But, Letterman’s retirement announcement on Thursday has changed the landscape for her. Handler now has her eye on Letterman’s “Late Show” spot instead. Either timeslot would make her the first woman to host a late-night broadcast show since Cynthia Garrett hosted NBC’s “Later” from 2000-2001.

When Chelsea goes to that meeting with Les Moonves, she shouldn’t be surprised if she finds Julie Chen lying on top of his crotch. The Chenbot is the only trick who’s allowed to fuck Les Moonves for a job, thankyouverymuch!

I don’t even know why we’re talking about Letterman’s replacement ho. Letterman isn’t retiring for another damn year and besides, we all know who’s really going to get the job:

Screen Shot 2014-04-05 at 1.53.25 PM

I’m calling it now.

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