YAAAASSSS! Twin Peaks Is Coming Back To Television!

Agent Dale Cooper and I have the exact same bewildered look on our faces; surely this is all just a backwards-talking dream and Twin Peaks isn’t actually coming back to television. That would never happen! I bet The Man from Another Place and that shady bitch the Log Lady are behind this fuckery.

But no, this isn’t a dream! Earlier today, Twin Peaks creators David Lynch and Mark Frost confirmed on Twitter that Twin Peaks, the batshit crazy pie-flavored fever dream that aired for two seasons on ABC from 1990 to 1991, is coming back! THIS IS DAMN FINE NEWS! According to Deadline, Showtime will air a third nine-episode season of Twin Peaks sometime in 2016, 25 years after it first premiered. The third season will be written and produced by Lynch and Frost, and all nine episodes will be directed by David Lynch. And there’s also a rumor that ageless super-hottie Kyle MacLachlan will return as FBI agent Dale Cooper. Excuse me while I find an all-red room and do the reverse wall-slide of joy.

The New Twin Peaks (I hope they keep that name) will be set in present-day and will sort of pick up where the last one left off, aka INSANE TOWN. Lynch and Frost hope to wrap up any loose ends that were left at the end of the second season and the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. But I don’t really care what they do! They can spend all nine episodes having Dale Cooper teach the teenage ghost of Laura Palmer how to drive or dedicate a whole episode to Nadine Hurley buying a new eye-patch. All that matters is that they find a way to bring back the true star of Twin Peaks, Lara Flynn Boyle! Twin Peaks is nothing without that exquisite collagen-plumped peony blossom!

But Where’s Marcy D’Arcy???

I bet David Faustino is sending her a text message that says “Sorry Chicken Legs, invite only!” NO! That’s more of an Al Bundy thing to do. David’s probably just checking to see if “I Told Ya” has hit 100,000 views on YouTube yet (so close!)

Mark this day in your calendars. For the first time in recent history, an actual legitimate STAR was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Katey Sagal (aka Gemma from Sons of Anarchy, aka Leela from Futurama, aka LIFE INSPIRATION PEGGY BUNDY) was honored for her contributions to refined stay-at-home lot lizard couture and exquisite red-headed glamour. Sadly she didn’t waddle out in cheetah-print spandex ass-wrap with her tits out, but she did bring the cast of Married…with Children back together for a mini-reunion to celebrate. Katey was joined on the red carpet by Christina Applegate, Ed O’Neill, and Grandmaster B. Unfortunately, it was a huge waste of time, because you can’t have a Married…with Children reunion without Marcy D’Arcy! Maybe they were afraid she’d show up wearing something super hot and steal the spotlight.

And the YOU HAD ONE JOB award goes to the person responsible for denying Christina the opportunity to introduce Katey’s Walk of Fame star as if it was the neeeeeeew Allanté . She is a model! You had one job! I’m sure she still has the dress! First we’re denied Marcy D’Arcy, then a Bundy Bounce? RUDE!

Here’s more of the bizarro bougie version of Peggy, Al, Kelly, and Bud (in this version, Buck is played by a French Bulldog), as well as Katey with the SOA crew at her Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday in Hollywood:

Pics: Splash

Christopher Walken Will Sing And Dance As Captain Hook In NBC’s Peter Pan

And Christopher Walken’s Captain Hook better wear a wig like that, because I like it when my pirate captains have hair that says, “Shih Tzu on the top, Queen Elsa on the side.”

NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music starring soulless Swiss Miss puppet Carrie Underwood was a mess, but it was a major hit, because America’s favorite pastime is witnessing train wrecks. So a few months ago NBC announced that they’re following up The Sound of Music with Peter Pan Live! And at the Televisions Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills this morning, the head bitch of NBC, Robert Greenblatt, announced that Christopher Walken will sing, dance and throw jazz hands (more like jazz hooks) as Captain Hook! Greenblatt spit this out about it:

“He might really be a song and dance man at heart. He’s fearless as a comedic actor and always comes to play. I guarantee you he’s going to bring his own spin to Captain Hook. He might be the first tap-dancing Captain Hook.”

Robert Greenblatt also said that they’re going to cast a chick as Peter Pan and I guess Cathy Rigby already turned it down, because they asked Kristen Bell, but she can’t do it due to scheduling conflicts. So the search continues until singing trapeze artist Pink finally says, “Okay, fuck it, I’ll do it,” or until NBC wakes the hell up and casts the only hot bitch who should play Peter Pan: Peter Pan Dude!

But back to Christopher Walken…

Peter Pan Live! is going to be disaster (and the flying scenes will probably look like this), but at least it’s going to be a somewhat watchable disaster thanks to Christopher Walken. I hope NBC tweaks with Peter Pan a little bit and includes a scene where Captain Hook, the crocodile and Smee recreate this magical number (starts at around the 1:00 mark):

So Ian Thorpe Finally Came Out

It seemed like every time Olympic gold medal-winning Australian swimmer and pearl necklace model (too easy) Ian Thorpe would sit down for an interview, the interviewer would start off by asking, “So, Ian, do your nipples get hard when the tip of a hard peen touches your tongue? YES OR NO?” Over the years, Ian has been asked if he’s gay at least ten thousand times and he has denied away every single time. Ian practically won the gold medal in denying. For years, Ian told everyone that he’s a vagina-loving vagina lover who loves nothing more than vagina and he loves vagina so much that when he swims he pictures himself swimming toward a giant vagina. Vagina. Ian wrote in his 2012 memoirs that all the gay questions hurt him and that hos not believing he’s straight was an attack on his character. Well, after years and years doing the backstroke along the river of denial, bitches can stop asking Ian if he puckers for peen, because he’s finally come out.

In an interview with Sir Michael Parkinson on Channel 10, Ian, who was recently in rehab for a booze and bad shit addiction, says that he’s been going through some shit and that he got the sads in a major way while hitting the gay rumors with denials. via The Daily Telegraph

The 31-year-old confirms his sexuality for the first time Sunday in an exclusive interview on Channel 10, telling all to veteran British interviewer Sir Michael Parkinson.

It’s understood the interview, which Parkinson has described as one of the best he has ever conducted, includes a full admission from Thorpe that he is gay despite having dated women in the past.

The Sunday Telegraph says: A momentous and deeply brave act

In the emotional sit-down shot last month, Thorpe also details the years of depression he has battled while denying his sexuality from the world. Part of that concealment included his own autobiography This Is Me, published in 2012, in which Thorpe wrote that he found questions about his sexuality hurtful.

Better late than never and I’d like to think Ian planned it so that the news of him coming out came out on International Gay Day (aka Richard Simmons’ birthday)! Let’s hope the International Gay Day gifts keep coming and by that I mean let’s hope John Travola finally twirls out of the closet that hasn’t had a door on it since the 90s. Anyway, congratulations, Thorpedo, and Happy Richard Simmons’ Birthday!

Gold-Hearted Amy Adams Gave Her First Class Seat To A Soldier In Coach

Amy Adams was about to get on a flight from Detroit, where she’s filming that Batman vs. Superman mess, to LAX yesterday when she noticed a US solider at the gate, and being the nice, genuine, gold-hearted daughter of a military man that she is, she asked to have their seats switched. Amy was in first class and the soldier was in coach. And now everyone’s going to start carrying a solider uniform in their carry-on bag just in case Amy Adams is on their flight and they want to experience the free champagne, warm cookies, complimentary anal massage and all the other luxuries of first class. ESPN2’s Jemele Hill told ABC News that Amy didn’t make a big show of it and she talked to the soldier for a little bit before taking herself to the smushed sardines section of the plane. Jemele said this to ABC News:

“I noticed Ms. Adams was in first class and as I was getting seated, I saw the flight attendant guide the soldier to Ms. Adams’ seat. She was no longer in it, but it was pretty clear that she’d given up her seat for him. I was incredibly impressed, and I’m not even sure if the soldier knew who gave him that seat. I guess he will now! Ms. Adams did it so quietly and quickly that it speaks to her character. And somebody in coach just got a helluva seatmate!”

Doesn’t Amy know that it’s June and NOT January? Harvey Weinstein is going to call her up and scream new holes into her ears for this fuck-up. Amy’s out there doing good deeds and her Oscar-bait movie isn’t even close to being out yet. This is not how it’s supposed to happen. Once Amy is officially nominated for that Big Eyes movie, then she can give her first class seat to a US soldier and then the media will magically hear about it, find him and he’ll do the interview circuit where he’ll say that Amy is the kindest, most greatest American who ever lived. Then that soldier will be Amy’s date to the Oscars and when she wins, she’ll bring him onstage and the moment will make viral history. That’s how Harvey Weinstein saw it happening in his head and now Amy has ruined it. “You better save a toddler from a burning building, but do it in JANUARY” is what Harvey’s going to scream at Amy. Jennifer Lawrence would never!

Detective La Toya Is Engaged For Real This Time

Last year, Radar played with my emotions and made it hard for me to ever trust them AGAIN when they wrongly reported that the crown jewel of the Jackson dynasty married her not-so-secret boyfriend/Louis Vuitton purse holder (Side note: There’s no way that Louis Vuitton bag is his, he seems like a Balenciaga bitch to me) Jeffre Phillips. It turned out to be a lie. Detective La Toya was not a Christmas time bride. But 6 months later, true love has shown that it still has some life in it, because La Toya is really engaged this time.

La Toya tells People that during a romantic dinner in Hawaii with her “best friend” and business partner Jeffre, he dropped to one knee in front of her and she surprisingly didn’t pass out from being so close to his exquisitely crafted eyebrows. Jeffre gave La Toya a 17.5 carat diamond ring and it’s just as demure, understated and modest as she is. Behold!

Jeffre reminds me of an elder Derek J and he’s just a honey glazed ham of fabulousness, so he probably poots out diamonds that big and gorgeous on a daily basis. La Toya told People that Jeffre designed the ring himself and he knows what she likes. La Toya definitely chose the right piece to be her next husband. You should always marry a man who keeps three tweezers, two tiny scissors and 4 different brow pencil shades on him at all times, because if you ever have a MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow emergency, he’ll immediately fix you up and bring back the beauty to your face.

Condragulations to Detective La Toya and Jeffre!