April 24, 2013 / Posted by:

Star Magazine named Goopy Paltrow the Most Hated Celebrity in Hollywood last week and this week, People has named her the the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Of course, People chose a picture of Goopy thinking to herself, “You hate me because I AM beautiful.” This is why the leaders of the planet are holding an emergency meeting this morning to talk about changing the meaning of the word “world,” because human civilization refuses to be associated with this untruthful mess.

Dlisted’s Most Insufferable Talking Fish Bone In A Blond Wig (for the 5th year running) spat out some bullshit to People about how she totally doesn’t glide around her mansion in a $5,000 house gown  and working out is just like brushing her teeth.

Goopy on how she’s SOOOOO casual: “Around the house, I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t really wear makeup. That’s what they’re used to. [My husband will] make a joke about it. If I’ve gotten fully dressed up, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, wow! You’re Gwyneth Paltrow!’ Because he’s used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair.”

Goopy on working out 5 days a week: “When I first started, I thought, ‘I’ll never be good at this. This is a nightmare!’ But now it’s like brushing my teeth, I just do it.”

Wearing jeans around the house and working out like it’s nothing? I can never trust a bitch who doesn’t punch at the air and curse life when they’re at the gym and who doesn’t rip off their jeans as soon as they get home. A bitch is suspect to me when they don’t free their thighs as soon as they walk through the front door.

No, Goopy Paltrow isn’t the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. But her publicist is the world’s best publicist for getting Goopy some bullshit title in exchange for the exclusive news of her eventual divorce from Chris Martin. Congrats to Goopy’s publicist!

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