LeAnn Rimes Says That She’s Gained A Few Pounds

Here’s the sexiest luck dragon out of Mississippi sticking out her bought-and-paid-for chichi domes at the at the Friend Movement Benefit in L.A. last night. LeAnn Rimes used to look like a dehydrated praying mantis who was all nostrils and all tits, but she told the NYDN last night that she gained a few pounds and her husband Eddie Cibrian said that he doesn’t mind. Actually, I think he mumbled out something like, “Oh, did you gain a few pounds? I didn’t notice since my head’s been in that girl’s crotch the entire time.” 

I haven’t seen any new pictures of Brandi Glanville so I have idea if she gained a few pounds too. I’m assuming she did, because LeAnn can’t put anything (see: her foot and Eddie Cibrian’s dick) in her mouth until Brandi’s put it in her own mouth first.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Coming Soon: The Real Falkor Of Hidden Hills

A while ago, there were rumors that the producers of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills were leaving a trail of laxative pills from LeAnn Rimes’ cave in Fantasia to their casting offices, because they wanted her to join the cast. LeAnn’s arch rival Brandi Glanville said she thought the rumor was funny since LeAnn always shits on the Housewives and LeAnn later said it wasn’t true. But just because LeAnn said “neigh” to the producers of Housewives doesn’t mean that she’s saying “neigh” to all reality shit shows.

Gossip Cop says that LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian are currently pitching their own reality show about their life together. It’ll be the perfect show to watch after Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Because right after you gain 30 pounds from watching Mama June drink a gallon jug of melted butter and liquefied Peeps, you can barf it all up while watching LeAnn and Eddie act like they have the perfect life.

If I wanted to see an emaciated pony with fake tits slobber on a squinty whore of a donkey, I’d turn on Animal Planet After Dark. LeAnn’s brain must’ve slipped out of her gaping nostrils, because putting her marriage in front of reality show cameras is the dumbest thing she’s done since marrying Eddie Cibrian. Everybody knows that nothing kills a marriage faster than a reality show. This is not how it’s supposed to end, anyway. LeAnn and Eddie’s marriage isn’t supposed to die because of a stupid reality show. It’s supposed to die when she catches Eddie’s side piece biting onto one of her Union Jack pillows as he hits it from the back on their Pier 1 daybed. Brandi Glanville feels so cheated, again!

Here’s LeAnn hollering and yodeling at her concert in London a couple of weeks ago.

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Because LeAnn Rimes thinks she’s the sexy hot stepmom, she went to her stepson’s baseball game yesterday dressed like a down-and-out train track whore on her day off. This outfit is a bigger mess than LeAnn’s sanity. It doesn’t really bother me that she wore skank shorts to a children’s event, it bothers me that she wore those shorts with that sweater. Tacky!

I mean, who wears that kind of sweater with shorty shorts usually worn by a go-go boy at a goth gay club? That shit doesn’t go together. Either wear that sweater with white cotton coochie cutters and high heel Chucks or wear those plastic shorts with a latex bra and a velvet choker. Poor boy had to try to hit the ball while his stepmom was sitting on the bleachers wearing the worst walk of shame outfit ever.

And did LeAnn screw with her mug again, because she’s starting to look like a Dark Crystal pantyhose doll that got mangled in the wash.

Eddie And LeAnn Make Fun Of Brandi On Instagram, Because It’s Not Like They Have Anything Else To Do

And it’s not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing…

Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes’ money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after “no-lifers and losers” somehow found Eddie Cibrian’s Instagram page by typing, “Eddie Cibrian Instagram page,” and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: “Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title.” Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren’t making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!

@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn’t tweet that and that was over two years ago….it’s the other way around

These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I’m starting to think they’re in on it together. If LeAnn wasn’t publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn’t publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they’re not stage fighting for relevancy, they’re all three-way spooning together in LeAnn’s stall. I see all of them!

And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her “rimming” face.

Here’s LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.

I See You, Falkor, I See You

And the barnyard version of Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston lives on. For the past couple of weeks, Brandi Glanville has been out on the ho stroll selling her book hard by releasing excerpts about how she de-Cibrianized her vagina, was willingly raped by Eddie Cibrian the night they first met and nearly barfed up her internal organs when LeAnn Rimes lured her husband away with tits made of cake. And  now a week before her book comes out, there’s a story in UsWeekly about how Brandi is constantly crying over how she’s the victim of Eddie’s nomad dick when she didn’t exactly keep her legs closed to other dudes during their marriage. Well, at least we won’t see staged bikini pictures of LeAnn for a little bit, because she’s been busy with other things like leaking stories to UsWeekly. Unless, LeAnn let the paparazzi take pictures of her leaking these stories to UsWeekly while wearing a bikini. Yeah, she probably did that.

A source says that throughout her 8 year marriage to Eddie Cibrian, Brandi passed her poon to several dudes several times and 5 weeks after she birthed out their son Jake, she did a dude in her bedroom. But Brandi went on Twitter this morning and denied it WHILE dropping the release date of her new book.

Grasping at straws? Cut to LeAnn Rimes with a guilty look on her face as her mouth grasps a piece of straw in her stall.

Can’t we just assume that Brandi and Eddie were both sluttin’ before, during and after their marriage. Let’s assume that Eddie stuck his nomad dick in random chicks before, during, after his marriage to Brandi and let’s also assume that Eddie is sticking his nomad dick in random chicks while he’s married to LeAnn Rimes. And Brandi was probably dropping her twat on random dicks before, during and after her marriage to. Eddie is always fucking and Brandi is always fucking. They’re both just fucking everyone! Everyone is getting laid! Well, everyone except LeAnn Rimes. While Eddie and Brandi are screwing everybody, LeAnn is chewing on her bed of straw while tweeting her horoscope for the day.

Why Does Baby Milan Have A Giant Finger For An Arm?

And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you’re always giving a bitch the finger.

Almost two weeks after Shakira’s truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique’s son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF’s website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF’s donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:

“We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us.”

Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan’s head and it looks like he can do it.

And damn at Gerard’s finger. Dude isn’t only hung in the crotch, he’s hung in the fingers too.

via UsWeekly