QOTD: Brandi Glanville Used To Joke That Eddie Cibrian Raped Her On The First Night They Met

The Real Plastic Faces Of Beverly Hills‘ Brandi Glanville is still whoring her book out hard and knows that the easiest way to sell a book is to put a hi-res picture of Prince Hot Ginge’s peen in it. But since Brandi doesn’t have that, she’s selling that book hard by releasing the most foolish pieces from it. Brandi’s latest jewel from her treasure trove of fuckery is about how she and Eddie Cibrian bumped crotches just hours after that they met at a West Hollywood nightclub. Brandi says that she kept saying no, but she meant yes and the whole thing was HILARIOUS!

“Six years after I moved to Europe, I came back to Los Angeles to shoot a Coors Light commercial and ended up in an obnoxious nightclub called Grandville on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Across the bar, I spotted an insanely attractive Cuban man who just couldn’t keep his eyes off me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him either. It was love at first sight – or perhaps, lust. Yes, we slept together that first night. I would never endorse sleeping with someone you just met, because half of the fun is the challenge. But, man, was it fucking hot! I used to joke that he ‘raped’ me. Rape jokes are never funny, except when they are. I was saying, ‘No,no,no,’ the entire time, but we all know that despite the adage, sometimes no does mean yes.”

Daniel Tosh just fell in love! I’m sure in a few months Brandi will be standing at the altar and holding Tosh’s hands while laughing as he tells rape joke after rape joke in his vows to her. They are meant to be!

via Radar

Brandi Glanville Reupholstered Her Vagina With Eddie Cibrian’s Money

Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald’s last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet ‘n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.

Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn’t. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie’s credit card:

“I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.

I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, ‘What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?’I responded simply, ‘Yes. A nose job.’ And I hung up.”

Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi’s Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi’s vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the “after” pictures and say, “I want that pussy on my body!” Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor’s malnourished twin sister.

London, Paris, Milan!

If you’re in Barcelona and thought that your city was under attack by a herd of rabid goats, there’s no need  to sit in fear and wait until they chew you alive. It wasn’t a herd of rabid goats, it was just Shakira letting out a goat wail while giving birth to her first kid (see what I did there?). Shakira and her big peened piece Gerard Piqué are parents to a baby boy who weighed in at 6lbs. 6oz. Somebody posted this announcement on Shakira’s website today:

We are happy to announce the birth of Milan Piqué Mebarak, son of Shakira Mebarak and Gerard Piqué, born January 22nd at 9:36pm, in Barcelona, Spain.

The name Milan (pronounced MEE-lahn), means dear, loving and gracious in Slavic; in Ancient Roman, eager and laborious; and in Sanskrit, unification.

Just like his father, baby Milan became a member of FC Barcelona at birth.

The hospital confirmed that the couple’s first child weighed approximately 6lbs. 6 ounces, and that both mother and child are in excellent health.

I see them trying to act like they named Milan after a Slavic meaning, but they can’t fool me. Minutes before Shakira shook Baby Milan out of her body (like this), a long table with RuPaul and the other RuPaul’s Drag Race judges behind it rolled out and RuPaul announced, “London, Paris, MEE-LAHN!” And out sashayed Baby Milan. They didn’t name Milan after a Slavic meaning. They named Milan after Milan from Drag Race, obviously. Your hips might not lie, Shakira, but your baby name announcements do!

Brandi Glanville Says Eddie Cibrian Is A 9 In Bed, Calls LeAnn Rimes “Insane”

Because the generic brand version of the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston feud is good for Brandi Glanville’s business, she continued to kick at LeAnn Rimes’ bony ass bone on Watch What Happens Live last night. The humanized Siamese Cat that is Andy Cohen brought up LeAnn Rimes’ never-ending Entertainment Tonight interview, where the malnourished Falcor said that Brandi keeps trashing her on Twitter and in the press to keep Brandi’s reality show career going. Brandi laughed at the interview and said that all of LeAnn’s interviews are “cray-cray” and that she is “insane.” I really wish we could see LeAnn’s reaction to Brandi calling her a crazy bitch for the millionth time, because I really want to see her nostrils flare until her nose flaps touch her ears.

Andy also brought up a part in Brandi’s book where she basically says that Eddie Cibrian is a gold digger who is using LeAnn as his “sugar mama.” Brandi then figuratively grabbed LeAnn and branded the word “INSANE” into her ass before going on to say that LeAnn watches The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills all the time. If you need to experience this highly exciting interview for yourself, watch below:

Eddie’s dick-serving skills came up and Brandi said he’s “a nine in the bedroom,” but she would never get with that shit again, because he makes “her skin crawl.”

First of all, of course Eddie is a 9. Brandi didn’t have to tell me that. He’s got crazy bitches fighting over him like his peen shoots out delicious horsey sauce from Arby’s. Second of all, why did I ruin my lunch by picturing horse sauce shooting out of Eddie’s peen and onto LeAnn’s roast beef sandwich? I hate myself.

LeAnn Rimes Gives Eddie Cibrian Sex Whenever He Wants It

LeAnn Rimes’ Entertainment Tonight interview with Nancy O’Dell is the eye roll-inducing gift that keeps on giving your eyeballs a reason to roll. LeAnn Rimes said in her ET interview that her body “wouldn’t let her stop” having an affair with Eddie Cibrian. That’s LeAnn trying to say “I’m suffering from stage 10 Dickmatization” in the most poetic way possible. LeAnn also said that she’s not trying to get knocked up, but she still gives Eddie the coochie whenever he wants it. When Eddie wants to stick the tip in her gaping nostril before she sneezes, LeAnn flares and lets him have it. via UsWeekly:

Do Rimes and Cibrian want to have children of their own? “Yea . . . I think so,” Rimes hesitantly told O’Dell. “That’s kind of the talk we’ve had for awhile now. Who knows?”

Still, Rimes clarified, they aren’t actively trying to get pregnant. “Not right now,” Rimes said. “No, we’re not!” Regardless, Rimes bragged to O’Dell that they have a very steamy sex life.

“Have you seen him?” she joked. “[Sex is] whatever time. Any time of the day. Whenever he wants it.”

LeAnn went on to say, “Yeah, I give Eddie sex whenever he wants it. I just wish he wanted it with me some of the time.” 

QOTD: LeAnn Rimes “Sometimes” Worries That Eddie Cibrian Will Pass His Peen To Another Trick

Your brain is probably still on the floor if you read that ESCANDALOSO expose at Deadspin about the Notre Dame football player who is either a dumb bitch for successfully getting Catfished for over a year or he’s a dumb bitch for making up a dead girlfriend for maximum publicity (take note, Taylor Swift). If your brain is still on the floor, put it back in your head, because here’s an equally important and fascinating (not really) quote from LeAnn Rimes about whether or not she thinks Eddie Cibrian’s drifting dick will ever drift into another ho’s twat.

While talking to Entertainment Tonight (via UsWeekly) about stuff, Nancy O’Dell asked her if she’s ever worried about Eddie coming home with random vagina juices on his crotch. LeAnn said this:

“Everyone else would think I am a liar if I didn’t say yes, and I have at times. It’s definitely creeped into my mind, as it would anyone’s. I think we’ve been very honest and open with that to each other, and our conversations about it have only made me understand how much he actually cares, as much as I do, about being faithful to each other. Where I’m at in my relationship with Eddie, that is not a worry that’s in the front of my mind.”

Scheana Marie, that sad pony-faced trick from Vanderpump Rules who Eddie cheated on Brandi Glanville with, claims that he cheated on her with LeAnn Rimes. So basically, Eddie Cibrian is a cheating slut who just can’t stop being a cheating slut. LeAnn’s ass probably knows this and she just looks the other way. When LeAnn walks in on Eddie with a mouthful of side snatch, she shrugs and then skips off to the kitchen to make herself a laxative-tini. When LeAnn kisses Eddie hello and a curly, black pube ends up in her mouth, she pulls it out, shrugs and then skips off to her laptop to tweet about how he’s the great love of her life (after Twitter, of course).

I swear, sometimes good dick is a thing of evil. It blurs your vision and screws with your brain. Before Eddie came along, LeAnn didn’t seem that crazy to me. But then when she got herself some good dick, her brain turned inside/out and delusion became her best friend.