Eddie Cibrian And LeAnn Rimes Told His Boys About Their Affair

Seen above the moment she realized that the bowl of laxatives she ate for breakfast kicked in a little too fast AGAIN, LeAnn Rimes says that she and Eddie Cibrian have had several talks with his kids, 11-year-old Mason and 7-year-old Jake, about how they’re both huge, disgusting, shameless skank slut tramps who broke their own homes with their bull dozing genitals. Eddie telling his kids about him being a cheating whore makes sense, because kids are curious shits. They’re always asking all kinds of questions like: Where does Santa live? What is above the sky? And, why does mom always call that creepy, half-naked lizard pony centaur thing you live with a “life-ruining cum dumpster skeezer“?

Eddie and LeAnn tell Life & Style that they’ve told Mason and Jake the truth and Mason and Jake totally understand:

“We’ve had discussions with them about the whole situation,” Eddie says in the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, of their honesty with Mason, 11, and Jake, 7, about their infidelity. “They understand more than you think they do,” LeAnn adds.

Uh huh, I’m really sure LeAnn laid the entire truth on them. Eddie and LeAnn probably sat Mason and Jake down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a multi-talented, devastatingly handsome, gold-hearted, loyal prince who was trapped in a marriage to a wretched, foul, evil, jealous, controlling drunk, fat praying mantis-like witch. The only way he could get out of his marriage is if the evil curse the witch cast on him was broken by true love’s kiss. One day, the prince met a naturally gorgeous, skinny young maiden with the voice of a million angels. The prince and the maiden fell in love and they kissed in a hotel room that the maiden rented for that very occasion. The spell was broken and the prince married the maiden, because she was way more gorgeous, way skinnier, looked better in a bikini and had way more Twitter followers than the nasty witch. The end!”

Here’s Eddie and Falkor scaring all living things with her facial expressions at Extra this morning

Nobody Watched LeAnn Rimes And Eddie Cibrian’s Reality Shit Show

I haven’t watched the first episode of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s “semi-scripted” dried turd of reality show on Vh1, because I am a disgusting, gross, easy pig slut when it comes to TV (and everything else) and I should try to have SOME standards. I recorded LeAnn & Eddie, though, and when I’ve gone into my DVR to play an episode of quality television like Dating Naked and Topless Prophet on Cinemax, it stares at me like a wet, oozing herp sore on a short, soft peen. I can’t bring myself to watch it. Apparently, I’m not alone, because Deadline says that the first episode of The Home Wrecking Squints was watched by 374,000 viewers. To put that number into perspective, Grumpy Cat was on QVC at 7 in the morning yesterday and more hos probably watched that shit (and sadly, I was one of those hos). LeAnn & Eddie were beat by Dog with a Blog, an episode of Seinfeld and COPS. Deadline says that Vh1’s Dating Naked got 826,000 viewers, but when LeAnn Rimes’ “melting Play-Doh figurine of a demon pony” face popped up after it, everyone turned their TVs off.

The rest of VH1’s new programming on VH1 might have wanted to strip down a bit to do better. Coming after the 551,000 who watched the debut of Candidly Nicole, the 10:30 premiere of Leann And Eddie was seen by a total 374,000 audience of 374,000. The former was up 51% from last quarter among the 18-49s with 325,000 watching while the later up just 19% over the last quarter’s average in the time slot with 252,000 viewers in the demo.

To recap: more than twice the number of hos who suffered through LeAnn & Eddie watched a show with a bunch of naked people. For the love of humanity’s eyeballs, don’t let that give Falkor ideas!!! (Eddie, okay, but not Falkor!) And poor Eddie’s probably going to have to take his side pieces to the Super 8 instead of the Hilton. LeAnn probably cut his allowance, because she needed the money to buy 374,000 TVs and 374,000 different cable connections. You didn’t think 374,000 actual people watch that wreck, did you?

And here’s Falkor looking like a horse skeleton in lazy Stevie Nicks drag while protecting the peen she paid for at the  Luli Fama fashion show in Miami yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Brandi Glanville Is Not Sorry For Saying Her 7-Year-Old Son Is An Asshole And A Dick On Her Podcast

Brandi Glanville pulled a Brandi Glanville on her podcast last week when she called her 7-year-old son Jake an “asshole” and  a “dick” who needs to go fuck himself sometimes. Well, some kids are assholes and Jake’s got two gaping assholes for parents, so I cannot find the lie in Brandi’s little declaration of love for her son.

During a talk with her guest Jake Lacy on her podcast “Brandi AnaGlandVille Unfiltered” last week, Brandi said that her 7-year-old’s name is also Jake and she’s learned that most Jakes are assholes and her son is no exception. Brandi then went on to shit at the mouth about her 7-year-old son by saying that Jake has gone to second base with a bunch of chicks and she’s pre-purchasing his future stay in rehab now. Jake also tries to screw with Brandi by singing that Ariana Grande Latte song “Problem” to her and she responds by telling him to go fuck himself. Just a regular, old, beautiful mother and son relationship. via Radar:

“My son’s name is Jake: He’s 7, he’s a complete asshole, but we love him. Oh man, he’s a d*ck, seriously,’ Glanville, 41, told Lacy. Glanville said that the boy unabashedly defies her, such as in cases when he shamelessly neglects to do something she asked of him. She said when she tells him, “I told you to do this,” he responds, “Well, I lied!

Illustrating the mother-son dynamic between herself and Jake, she said that the boy sings to her lines from the Ariana Grande song “Problem” — specifically, the line, “I’ve Got One Less Problem Without You,” to her chagrin.

“I’m like, ‘Go fuck yourself!’” she said, laughing, calling him a “fucker” in passing.

I listened to that part of Brandi’s podcast on Friday and it didn’t make me reach for the phone to call CPS on this messy bitch. This ranks pretty low on the list of offensive things that have come out of her trash hole. I mean, this is the mouth that gave us, “I wish I was molested as a child.” If a parent got thrown into prison for calling their kid an a-hole, the outside world would be an empty hellscape full of single hos and unsupervised babies. But Dr. Sue Cornbluth, a parenting expert who specializes in childhood trauma, isn’t laughing and tells Radar that Brandi is a shit stain of a mother for dragging her son like that:

“That makes her look like an abusive, incompetent parent. She did it I’m sure to bring herself publicity but I’m appalled by the names she called her son. Kids out there are being called that every day and it’s called emotional abuse. Who knows who has listened to this interview? It makes me believe she is saying it at home. And if you say ‘go fuck yourself’ to a kid, they’re like sponges, they soak up anything. There is no excuse for this.”

Sure, Brandi Glanville is a tacky piece of fame whore trash who dragged her son on her podcast for attention, but this Dr. Cornbluth (which sounds like the name of my favorite Arrested Development character that never was) is being a little bit dramatic. “Asshole” is not the worst thing that little Jake has been called. Getting called “LeAnn Rime’s stepson” is even worse. Speaking of Falkor, I’m sure she already made a dance remix of Brandi’s Mother of the Year rant and is going to blast it for Jake in her car when she drives him to the mall to buy his love some more.

And Brandi has already responded to this mess on Twatter:

OMG I jokingly refer 2my kids&dogs as lil assholes sometimes cuz they can be.my mom called us her lil- shits-stop taking things so seripusly

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) June 21, 2014

Yeah, bitches, stop taking things so seripusly! “Seripusly” sounds like a really messy sex acting involving a pussy and male syrup.

Falkor Rimes And Brand Glanville Air Their Shit Out On Twitter: Part 4,562,984,388

Because talking to Brandi AnalGlandVille privately like a mature, sane adult won’t get her attention from the blogs (and here I am falling for that shifty luck dragon’s game), LeAnn Rimes passively aggressively called out her nemesis and body icon on Twitter this morning for not contacting Eddie Cibrian after his son ended up in the ER. The latest fight between these two malnourished rubber sea horses started when Brandi, who’s in NYC shooting Celebrity Apprentice, tweeted that her son was in the hospital for 8 hours last night. Brandi added a picture of Mason in the hospital, because she is the epitome of class and would like to hold onto that title.

8 hours in the ER this trip to NYC Mason will never forget! 1st trip in an ambulance! All will be fine pic.twitter.com/dV56Iif3Cc

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) March 30, 2014

We all know that LeAnn has an alarm pierced to her ass lips that vibrates whenever Brandi tweets, so she probably saw that mess of a tweet two seconds after it went up. But she acted like a “friend” told her about the tweet and she didn’t like that she and Eddie Cibrian (mostly she) didn’t find out from Brandi. Falkor twatted this out while somehow forgetting about the time she didn’t call Brandi after Mason ate one of her laxatives and had to go to the hospital.

Got a text from a friend at 4:30am asking if mason was ok. THANK GOD! Mason just called Eddie himself!! It’s been a panicked morning not knowing anything and mason being all the way across the US. Relived to know he’s ok.

Eddie would’ve tweeted his disgust over Brand not calling him, but his fingers were busy finger banging his side piece in the back of his car parked off Mulholland.

These wrecks. What would they do if they didn’t have each other’s clits to yank? They live for it. Brandi tweeted about her son going to the ER before telling Eddie because she knew it’d make LeAnn’s luck dragon nostrils flare into a rage. And not having a drop of shame in her being allows LeAnn to make a kid’s trip to the ER all about her. If I was Mason, I’d probably run away deep into the woods to be raised by wolves, because every time he ends up in the ER those crazy bitches use it as a shank to stab each other with. Now I’m not saying that LeAnn is going to “accidentally” rub poison ivy all over Mason so she can tweet about their trip to the ER before calling Brandi, but I will say that Mason should probably wear a full body armor suit from now on.

It’s Not Officially A Little League Game Until The Trashy Mom Shows Up With Her Tits Out

Very classy, LeAnn Rimes. Was your bikini at the cleaners?

Everyone’s favorite near-sighted insanity dragon put the Home in Homewrecker (as in, go home and put some damn clothes on, you hussy) when she joined Eddie Cibrian at his son Jake’s baseball game on Sunday looking like a fratboy’s drunk aunt doing the walk of shame from a toga party. Hooker, please! These kids are 6 and 7 year old; they don’t need to see you prowling around the diamond like it’s a Fantasia truckstop. But just you try to stop her! Eddie is the team’s coach, which means she’s going to show up every week in skankier and skankier outfits until one of the parents mistakes her for a crusty dragon pussy peddler, and she’s arrested for attempt to solicit.

I don’t have kids, I’m never around kids, I can barely spell kids, but even I know that showing up to a kids baseball game in with your dragon tits hanging out is pure trash. I used to know a trashy baseball mom who would show up to her son’s games in a ripped Budweiser crop and a pair of acid washed coochie-cutters. I mean, sure, she was pure CAGE (class-attitude-glamour-elegance) but still, save that shit for a monster truck rally. That goes for you too, LeAnn. How the hell are the kids supposed to keep their eye on the ball when they keep getting distracted by your fire-breathing titty balls rassling around under that sloppy potato sack halter.

Pics: Splash

Eddie Cibrian Wants Money From Brandi Glanville, But Not For Child Support

The other day, Brandi Glanville dramatically tweeted about how her shit bag ex-husband Eddie Cibrian is living the high life in a multi-million dollar mansion with Falkor Rimes and yet he’s still trying to get child support out of her. Just like Brandi always does, she didn’t really elaborate. A quick minute later, Eddie Cibrian denied it all and said that Brandi is once again smearing oily lies all over Twitter. But both TMZ and Radar say that Eddie is trying to get money out of Brandi, but apparently it’s money he overpaid in spousal support. And if after reading all those sentences you realized that you’d rather ombre dye your pubes in the mirror than read anymore, I don’t blame your ass. Save me some dye.

Radar says that when Brandi and Eddie officially took a machete to their marriage, Eddie agreed to pay Brandi spousal support for 4 years. That was in 2010, so the 4 years of payments are up, bitch! TMZ says that after a lawyer did an audit of all Eddie’s spousal support payments, they found out that he overpaid Brandi by $114,738. The overpayment was for spousal support and not for child support. Brandi doesn’t have to work the ho stroll extra hard to pay him back. The money’s going to be subtracted from her share of his retirement accounts.

But Brandi’s lawyer tells TMZ that Eddie IS trying to get a piece of his child support payments back as well as spousal support payments.

These insane whores…

When these two messes aren’t fighting about their kids, they’re fighting about money. Even though they got a divorce 4 damn years ago, they are still acting like they’re married. Not a second goes by when Eddie’s name isn’t flying out of Brandi’s mouth and the same goes for him and LeAnn. Brandi is a crazy bitch, Eddie is a crazy bitch and LeAnn is a new kind of crazy bitch. They all need to stop fighting it and realize that they just all want to be together. They should move into the same house, get into a three-way marriage and just scream, fight, hate fuck and slap at each other all day and all night long, because that’s what they obviously want. It’ll be like the really dysfunctional, drunk version of Sister Wives called Bitching Wives.