Brandi Glanville Claims That Eddie Cibrian Is Trying To Get Her To Pay Him Child Support (UPDATE)

Dear Heather Mills, Elin Nordegren, Jon Cryer’s ex-wife and all the other platinum level gold diggers out there who think they have won the game, a new challenger you knew was a shady motherfucker (but didn’t know was this shady) has arrived AND HOW! Eddie Cibrian lives in a multi-million dollar mansion with his partner in shameless fuckery Falkor Rimes, probably has a wallet full of limit-less credit cards and you know he gets millions of dollars in royalties from his finest artistic achievement 3Deep, but it’s still not enough and now he’s apparently trying to shake down his ex-wife for some cash. Some hardcore gold diggers have the game so deeply ingrained in them that they just can’t stop gold digging and will even shake down a trick who’s got less cash than him. I don’t know whether to give him a standing ovation or give him two standing ovations, because that is a new kind of shameless.

Brandi Glanville whined on Twitter today about how people keep throwing hate at her for airing her divorce shit in book after book and while doing so she said that Eddie is trying to get child support from her. Poor Brandi. She’s just a fame whore trying to make a dollar from being a mess and her asshole slut of an ex-husband keeps kicking her down. As the cackle from a luck dragon filled the night sky, Brandi tweeted this:

2 all these young unmarried bloggers writing about getting over divorce&not seeing ur children grow up 1/2 the time,walk a mile in my shoes.

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

Im not taking cheap shots at my ex in my new book cuz its all true,&now mr fancy new cars&house man is asking ME for child support!Uknownada

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

everytime I take 1 step frwd I get a lawyers letter that takes me 3 steps back so wen people say move on, I say 2 my ex LET ME! Just STOP

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014

Eddie would totally knee a homeless puppy in the face, snatch its change cup and run off if he needed the cash, but I don’t know if I totally believe this. I mean, I don’t know Eddie and Brandi’s custody situation, so I don’t even know if he can ask for child support. I figured that Brandi got the kids most of the time and Eddie got the kids a few hours a week for photo-ops. Maybe Eddie needs extra spending cash to discreetly spend on his side whores, because that whiny mess LeAnn always asks him why there’s so many charges to the Peninsula Hotel on their credit card bill. Hey, Eddie, if you need cash that bad, just scream at LeAnn, “Hey, paparazzi over there,” and while she’s looking away pull a few gold coins out of her saddle bag. It works EVERY time.

UPDATE: Eddie’s spokeswhore (yes, he still has one) tells UsWeekly that he’s not trying to get money out of Brandi:

“There is no truth to the claims that Eddie has requested child support from Brandi now, nor will he ever request child support from his ex-wife. The notion is preposterous. This is yet another ploy for self-promotion.”

via Radar

Brandi Glanville’s New Book Is Exactly As Messy As You’d Think It Would Be

…with Leslie Bruce. Poor, poor Leslie Bruce. What horrible, unspeakable act did Leslie Bruce commit in a past life to deserve the punishment bestowed upon her? The next time life feels overwhelming, just repeat this mantra: “I am not Leslie Bruce. I do not have to help Brandi Glanville write a book. My life is okay”.

Grandi (aww, my first typo that stays) Glanville is following-up her best selling book Drinking & Tweeting with the release of Drinking & Dating on February 11th, so good news for those of you who need a new book to use as ‘chatty stranger deterrent’ on public transportation (“Don’t talk to me, I’m dumb. See? Look what I’m reading”). The Daily Mail has found a couple good nuggets from the book, the best being that Eddie Cibrian gave Brandi a bunch of STDs and that LeAnn Rimes is a cunt:

‘I have three permanent reminders of my marriage that I live with every day,’ Brandi writes in Drinking And Dating: P.S. Social Media Is Ruining Romance. ‘[My sons] Mason, Jake, and HPV.’

The 41-year-old blames herself for being ‘foolish enough to believe [Eddie] was faithful,’ but adds that ‘half of all sexually active Americans have HPV.’

While it seems far more recent to her, Brandi writes: ‘It’s been five years now since I discovered my ex-husband was sleeping with half of the women in Hollywood.’

As usual, it is LeAnn who most of Brandi’s anger is directed at, and the reality star even brands the singer with the c-word.

Brandi describes one of her ‘favorite lessons learned’ as ‘When you write an entire c***ry album about your affair with a married man, most people won’t buy it. #JustSayin.’

Shots fucking fired! Also, spelling county as cuntry? Is ‘Leslie Bruce’ the pen name for Bruce Vilanch? Because that joke was very Vilanchy (which is to say it was P-E-R-F-E-C-T-I-O-N). If I can be promised more LeAnn slams, more stories of Eddie’s wandering Cibridick, and more punny cheater jokes, then I will definitely consider thinking about maybe borrowing it from a friend.

It’s Not Officially Groundhog Day Until The Squinting Insanity Dragon Appears In A Bikini

Well, at least now I know what it looks like when LeAnn Rimes eats too many damn goji berries. I sympathize with her; I get the same feeling when I try to eat a salad and my body freaks out over the lack of cheese and Red Vines.

According to The Daily Mail, LeAnn took a much-needed break from that blue foldable soccer chair and went to Hawaii to film more of her never-ending reality show for VH1 with Eddie Cibrian (aka Dean McDermott 2.0). Because I’m in a good mood (the sun came out this morning and it no longer feels like Hoth) I’ll say that LeAnn looks great. Nope, wait a second; ‘great’ might be too powerful a word; you’ll have to forgive me, I’m just so used to hearing the words ‘LeAnn Rimes in a bikini’ and picturing this. I should have said: She no longer looks like something Dana Scully found in an abandoned warehouse on The X-Files. That’s literally the highest compliment I can give; that you no longer look like a decaying alien. So, you’re welcome, LeAnn.

But I am curious as to what’s going on with her stomach situation. You can see it better in the pictures below, but it appears she’s swallowed an upside-down parking cone. That, or all six muscles in her six-pack have banded together as one giant tube-like entity and are attempting to make a run for it out her asshole. Or is this what it looks like when Luck Dragons are gestating? Maybe that’s a dragon egg inside her stomach! Dear China: There’s been a change of plans. Scrap the horse idea; 2014 is going to be the Year of the Dragon.

(Pics: Splash)

LeAnn Rimes Is As Selfless As Ever

Every time I read LeAnn Rimes’ Twitter feed, I’m reminded of the first time I realized as a parent that kids listen to every damn word we say. My oldest came up to me one day when he was little and asked if bitches are real. I asked where he heard that and he said, “You said on the phone that this bitch can’t be for real“. Oh. My bad.  Scrolling through LeAnn’s tweets, I always hear a sweet toddler voice in my head saying, “This bitch can’t be for real” and this particular unreal bitch didn’t disappoint the other day.

Not a fun day. I have a stomach bug, oh joy & one of our best friend's is losing his mom.

— LeAnn Rimes Cibrian (@leannrimes) December 23, 2013

It’s so sweet of LeAnn to think of her dear friend’s misfortune when she’s holed up in the bathroom, a victim to one too many ex-laxtinis.    Having the uncontrollable shits because you’ve rededicated yourself to a strict laxative diet is not the same thing as having a stomach bug, ya stupid ho! And way to roll your poo times in with someone losing a loved one like they’re even on the same level of “bad day”.

LeAnn did break her pattern of “ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. YOU. ME. ME.” to tweet the next day that her friend’s mom had passed away without mentioning herself, digestive distress, what she was wearing, her astrological sign, throwing shade at Brandi Glanville, posting a selfie, hard campaigning for stepmom of the year or mentioning how wonderful her squinty-eyed dumb hump of a husband is. ‘Tis the season for personal growth!

Here are some pics of Falkor shopping at Barney’s New York in L.A. last week (I hope to fuck there’s a clue in that bag) and texting her BFFs (the paparazzi) with Eddie Cibrian at LAX the other day.

(Pics: Twitter, Splash)

Brandi Glanville Is Still Campaigning For That Best Actress In A Drama Award

I don’t watch The Real Housewives of Anyfuckingwhere, so I’ll admit my education on all things Rimes, Cibrian and Glanville (an apt name for the worst damn PR firm on the planet) comes directly from the internet. That being said, Brandi Glanville strikes me as the type who would take the kids to the park and spend the entire time on a bench, tossing her hair while looking to see who’s watching her when she’s not staring at her phone. Instead of giving her kids the time left in minutes, she yells, “Kids! We’re leaving in 22%!” as her battery starts to get low.

I could be totally off base, because Brandi wrote a column for SoberBook.com (via Radar) where she talked about never getting over Eddie Cibrian passing his dick to LeAnn Rimes (“DUH!” – fucking everybody) and how her kids are her everything.

“Four and a half years after my betrayal, I still battle with depression and trust issues. I survived my heartbreak, but I will be dealing with the damage it caused for the rest of my life.”

“I have my good months and bad months,” she said. “If I didn’t have my children, I might be one of the many who never came out of the darkness. These two little men, Mason (10) and Jake (6) keep me grounded and in check.”

“I share half custody of my boys,” she said. “This equates to me having a half and half split personality. By this, I mean when I have them and there is total chaos in my house, I am complete. My soul is happy.”

“Then the inevitable happens… they leave me,” Glanville continued. “My big, chaotic house is silent. I hear crickets chirping and that feeling of falling back into the darkness it took me so long to come out of hits me.”

Having the major sads sucks and even though I joke about putting my kids on the auction block with some regularity, I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have them around. Brandi laid that shit on pretty thick though, so she gets three-and-a-half out of five Gary Coleman side eyes from me for her overly dramatic descriptive imagery that could have been taken straight out of an essay on depression written by a high school sophomore.

Brandi also threw out a little burn to her basement-dwelling, forever alone haters:

“Don’t be so hard on yourself when you mess up because we all make mistakes,” she reasoned. “Learn to ask for help when you need it and know that the people that sit back and judge us, pretending to be perfect, are usually the most messed up of all.”

Eddie should check his security tapes for footage of a shadowy figure that looks like an animatronic sex doll sneaking into their house and snagging LeAnn’s diary from her nightstand. That shit sounds like it could have been taken verbatim from a journal whose pages alternate between scrawls of “Mrs. Eddie Cibrian” with little hearts over the i’s and life-afirming quotes from one of those “relatable” Tumblr pages designed to appeal to the awkward teen crowd.

Now You Know What LeAnn Rimes Looks Like Sitting On The Toilet

Another day, another chance for LeAnn Rimes to continue her Best Bonus Mom EVAH campaign with Eddie Cibrian’s kids at a soccer game. She chatted up other parents, sat on her husband’s lap (probably to block his view of a big-tittied MILF on the sideline of the opposing team because you know she does shit like that) and slicked up her lips for a selfie to throw in her iPhone album titled “Love Yourself”.

My favorite pic is the one where it looks like she’s begging Eddie to bring her whatever is in that blue cooler like, “Eddie, baby, can you bring me my poo poo juice?” Maybe that’s why he looks so uneasy with her on his lap- that ex-laxtini could kick in at any moment.

Apparently some shit also went down at the game, causing LeAnn to send out this tweet:

Oh, the irony of a dramatic bitch telling other adults not to be dramatic bitches on the social media site where she’s carried out most of her dramatic bitchiness. Hashtag my proverbial balls, LeAnn. I’m also getting a good giggle over “natural blonde”, her height and her toilet paper hanging preferences being listed in her Twitter bio. Save it for your POF (Plenty of Falkors) dating profile after you catch Eddie banging someone in the Port-A-Potty at next week’s game.

(Photos: Splash)