Hilary Duff Is A Married Chipmunk!

22-year-old Hilary Duff got married to 29-year-old Canadian hock player Mike Comrie in Santa Barbara, CA last night. The best part of this news is that the juicy man titty in the picture above served as the ring bearer’s pillow. Yes, that succulent chichi is available for all weddings and parties, so check your local yellow pages and book that nipple.

OK! Magazine reports that Hilary looked absolutely radiant in her Vera Wang gown as she rode up in a Haylie Duff-drawn carriage. Hilary and Mike promised to love each other until “irreconcilable differences” does them part in front of their friends and family.

At the reception, Hilary and Mike shared their first dance together as a slide show of their most tender moments played on a giant screen in the background. The tent was filled with a massive chorus of “AWWWWWs” when this picture from their engagement popped up on the screen:

Actually, I think that picture was the cover for their wedding invitation.

Here’s a few completely crystal clear and interesting photos from their wedding taken by a pigeon who barely learned how to operate a disposable camera a few days ago. It’s like we’re sitting in the front row!

Hilary Duff Is Engaged

That dude with a peek of belly skin showing (I know you were staring) gave Hilary Duff an engagement ring last weekend, and she said yes. Hilary’s spokeswhore confirmed that she’s promised to be married to her boyfriend of 2 years Edmonton Oilers player Mike Comrie. Hilary’s rep rolled her eyes because she couldn’t leave early for the weekend before putting this statement out:

“After having been together for over two years, they are very excited to share this happy news. They are thankful for all of your warm wishes.”

Bauer Griffin has pictures of Mike proposing to Hilary on the balcony of their hotel in Hawaii. Seriously, dude gets down on knee and everything. Just like in the Lifetime movies! And they also have a picture of Hilary getting on her knees in front of Mike to celebrate their engagement. Hilary is all veneers, so Mike’s face would look like this if she was giving him a “yay we’re getting married” beej. I’m pretty sure she was just giving him a celebratory belly button rimming.

The Official End Of Wino And Blaaaaaaaaaake!

Every crackie in Camden will be bowing their heads for a few seconds longer as they light their pipe today, because the cracked out romance of this century has had its last puff! Wino’s divorce to Blaaaaake was granted today which means they are no more. Wino and Blaaaake weren’t in court today when a judge brought down the machete. It only lasted a few seconds.

Blaaaake is the one who filed for divorce and wrote down “adultery” as the reason why he wanted their beautiful union flushed down the toilet. Wino admitted to doing NOT RIGHT sexy times last year with a couple of dudes. In the papers, Wino admits to passing her married puss around and also stated that she will not defend the case. No, she wouldn’t even scream “BLAAAAAAAKE” at the top of her molten lungs one last time. What is going on in this world?!

I feel like we should all put on a pair of caca-covered ballet slippers and run through the street screaming “BLAAAAAAKE” for old time’s sake, because this means I have to start calling him just “Blake.” Or just “fucktard,” because anybody who pushes away love from such a beautiful creature really has heroin ash for brains.

The only good thing that come out of this split is if Wino finds comfort in the track mark-covered arms of DREAMBOAT DOHERTY! I think every dealer in the world just jizzed their pants.

Source: People

There’s Only One Way To Settle This

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ”Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?” Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!’s Daily 10, “I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It’s not really like taken off of the movie, it’s taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down.”

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she’s Faye’s age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don’t fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there’s another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We’ll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I’ll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

Faye Dunaway Speaks The Truth

There’s a vicious, vicious, vicious remake of Bonnie & Clyde currently in the works starring Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers. If Satan was a chipmunk-fucking movie producer, he would be behind this slaughter party. Shit like this makes me want campaign for a drug free America, because whoever came up with this brilliant idea was definitely shooting up some of the bad, bad shit.

Faye Dunaway is in my box, because the Chicago Sun-Times says that when she was told about it, she said, ”Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?”

Hilary Duff’s jumbo Chiclets were knocked out of her teeth after hearing those 8 beautiful words from Master Faye. That must have felt like a wire hanger up the ass. Hook first. The truth always destroys.

No, She Didn’t

Hilary Duff has a new video out for her song “Reach Out,” which completely samples rips off Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus.” No. No. No. This is illegal, right? A ho like Hilary Duff can’t just take a Depeche Mode song, rip it to shreds, violate it and spit all over it! Something must be done! I want to reach out and slap her.

When I turn off the sound, the video isn’t that bad. But Hilary Duff is trying to bring the sexy and it isn’t really working. It’s like a cutesy chipmunk, putting on lingerie and trying to sex you with their eyes. It’s a little uncomfortable.

After you listen to that abomination above, wash your ears out with this: