The Murder, She Wrote Reboot With Octavia Spencer Isn’t Going To Happen

Bad news for anybody who lives near Angela Lansbury. You’re going to have to protect yourself under a full body umbrella when you leave your house, because Angela Lansbury is not going to stop squirting out a geyser of victory over the news that NBC has decided to put the Murder, She Wrote reboot back on the shelves. NBC has decided to put all their time, energy, cash and powers of butchery into rebooting Father Dowling Mysteries with Dane Cook and Whitney Cummings instead. I’m joking. I hope.

Octavia Spencer was supposed to play a Jessica Fletcher-type who works as a hospital administrator by day and solves mysteries during her off time, but that’s not going to happen anymore. Deadline says that NBC has spared Octavia Spencer from that bad idea and have decided to put to the side for now. The main hos at NBC decided to spend some time on the reboot and spin it into a new concept. Yeah, that’s their story, but you know they decided to shred it into peacock food after they all left a restaurant together one night. As they were waiting for their cars, ice cold fear crawled up their spines and they suddenly felt the uneasy anxiety a brat feels when they make the mistake of crossing their abuelita. They all looked down the street and there behind the wheel of her parked Kia Soul was Angela Lansbury waving a switch at them. Nothing will make you change your life choices like a mad old grandma waving a switch at you from behind the wheel of her Kia Soul.

Angela made it crystal cunt clear that she’s spitting on the reboot and the whole idea made her want to cut a whore with her knitting needle. NBC says they’re going to try the reboot again, but they won’t.  They learned a lesson. Never fuck with Angela Lansbury.

Angela Lansbury: Still the boss bitch of Hollywood.

(GIF via WFMU)

The Queen Of Halloween Does It Again

The Heidi Klum you see on Project Runway and those pube-pulling annoying Jordache commercials is actually an animatronic robot with a German accent. Because on November 1st, the real Heidi Klum hooks herself up to an IV drip full of Ensure, slides into a make-up chair/toilet and spends the next 364 days getting into prosthetics and make-up for the next Halloween. For some of us, Halloween is just another holiday where we can drunkenly run the streets in nothing but a crotch patch and nipple tassels without getting arrested. But for Heidi Klum, Halloween IS life!

For her Halloween party in NYC last night, the HallowQueen memaw-fied herself, and she says that she went as an old lady, but I’m pretty sure she went as a SANS FARDS and SANS BOTOX Lindsay Lohan. Heidi nailed it as always. Heidi can HAHAHAHA at her turkey jerky neck and all the memaw spots on her face, because bitch is never going to look like this. Because in Hollywood, “aging gracefully,” involves getting your body reupholstered and replacing all the blood in your veins with fillers.

And I waited to post these, because I wanted to include the open letter that AARP will eventually write to Heidi. Because OLDFACE is not funny. Memaws and pepaws are people. They are not costumes! But I’m guessing they haven’t written that letter yet, because they’re still sleeping off their hangovers. They all spent their Halloween night doing Metamucil and vodka shots off of each other’s turkey necks.

Here’s more of Memaw Heidi and other hos at her Halloween party.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

NBC Rebooting Old Lady Series “Murder, She Wrote” With Decidedly Not-Old Lady Octavia Spencer

I regret bringing up Jessica Fletcher’s name yesterday, because now I have the creepy feeling I brought this story upon myself (some say you can summon a malevolent Angela Lansbury by saying ‘Jessica Fletcher’ three times in the mirror while a friend hums ‘Beauty and the Beast’). In a move reminiscent of a lazy kid who cleans his room by shoving everything under the bed, Deadline reports that NBC threw up its arms in a very I-Give-Up fashion and decided to reboot Murder, She Wrote with Angela Lansbury being replaced by Academy Award-winner Octavia Spencer.

In case you’re not familiar with Murder, She Wrote (and may god have mercy on your soul) it was about a mystery writer named Jessica Fletcher who starts solving murders in her small town of Cabot Cove, Maine. It aired for 12 seasons (because old people refuse to let anything go) and finally ended when Angela Lansbury got tired of living in a fake town with a higher murder rate than Honduras, and retired to sucking on Werther’s Originals all day long on the lanai.

But the real tragedy here isn’t that they’re updating Murder, She Wrote for a newer audience (@JessicaFletcher: OMG so many murders, I’ll never b unemployed again #blessed) it’s that they think Octavia Spencer is old enough to play a widowed retired English teacher. Octavia Spencer is only 43. In what shitty world would you look at someone like Octavia Spencer and think “Yeah, she can play an AARP member”. Oh right, Hollywood.

(Pic via Wenn)

Don’t Screw With Helen Mirren, Especially When She’s Dressed Up As The Queen

Helen Mirren left her home in London today wearing a t-shirt promoting As One In The Park, a huge LGBT festival, but the other day she was slapping those loud bitches down outside of the theater where she’s currently performing as THE QUEEN in a play called The Audience. And Helen did it in costume. So until now, I didn’t know that one of my goals in life is to get bitched out by Helen Mirren dragged up as THE QUEEN!

The Daily Telegraph says that during Saturday night’s performance of The Audience, a troupe of drummers from As One In The Park were right outside of the theater loudly beating their shit to promote the festival. Helen tells the Telegraph that toward the end of the first half, the loud drumming pounded its way into her ear holes and it made it hard for her to perform. Helen went on and finished the first act, but during intermission, she came outside and verbally cunt punted (copyright: that crazy sorority chick) the drummers while still in costume as Queen Elizabeth II. You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen a queen curse out a bunch of queens on the streets.

Sky News has an extremely clear and sharp video of Helen pointing around while telling those loud asses that they are interrupting an Olivier Award-winning performance!

One witness said that Helen told them to fuck off and continued to slap their ears with beautiful curse word after beautiful curse word. Helen explained it like this:

“I’m afraid there were a few ‘thespian’ words used. They got a very stern royal ticking off but I have to say they were very sweet and they stopped immediately. I felt rotten but on the other hand they were destroying our performance so something had to be done. The drumming just slowly got louder and louder and then settled right outside the stage door. There was just a thin wall between drumming and the theatre so it was unbelievably loud on stage. Paul Ritter and I could hardly hear each other speak and the audience couldn’t hear us speak at all. 

We were doing this last scene of the first act where the Queen is being told she is going to lose Britannia [the royal yacht], it’s quite an emotional scene. I thought, we can’t carry on like this, they have to stop. I was so upset from struggling through the scene with Paul that I literally walked straight off stage, straight up the stairs and straight out the stage door and banged my way through the crowd who were watching and said ‘stop, you’ve got to stop right now’ only I might have used stronger language than that. They were very sweet and stopped the minute they knew I wasn’t just a batty old woman haranguing them on the streets of Soho on a Saturday night.”

Helen also said that she’s going to find the drummers and give them free tickets to the show.

Why in the hell would those drummers want free tickets when they already watched a private sidewalk performance that was probably better and more theatrical than anything in that play? But really, Helen Mirren should be stripped of her Olivier Award. If you’re going to tell bitches what’s what while dressed as THE QUEEN, then you need to bitch them out as THE QUEEN too. Helen should’ve made Prince Philip hold them down as she beat them with her pocketbook while yelling at her Corgis to bite the skin off their ankles. That’s what the real Queen would’ve done.

Bobby D vs. Jay-Z

The first line on the first page of every cell phone manual reads: “If Robert De Niro calls your ass, you either call him the hell back or drown yourself and this phone in the Hudson River.” Well, Jay-Z broke that rule several times. ILLEGAL!

According to Page Six, Jay-Z agreed to record a song for the Tribeca Film Festival and Robert De Niro called him up several times to discuss it. Jay-Z never called him back. So at Leonardo DiCaprio’s birthday the other night, Robert De Niro wasn’t going to act like everything is rainbow dicks and heart-shaped buttholes when Jay-Z strolled up to say hi. Some witness said that the entire party stopped to watch the Italian bull and the Brooklyn camel butt heads:

“Bob wasn’t in any mood to make polite conversation. He told Jay that if somebody calls you six times, you call them back. It doesn’t matter who you are, that is just rude. De Niro kept telling him that he thinks he’s the man, but that he was disrespectful. Beyoncé came over, but that didn’t calm Bob down. It was the talk of the party. Everyone was saying there’s only one star in New York bigger and badder than Jay-Z, and that’s Robert De Niro. He can be quite scary when he’s angry.”

It’s a good thing Leonardo DiCaprio was too busy gorging himself on a Victoria’s Secret Angel buffet to notice this fight, because it would’ve ruined his birthday.

The next time you see Jay-Z out in public, expect him to look like Michael Jackson, because when Robert De Niro shades you, you instantly come down with the worst case of Vitiligo ever. But really, who knew that Robert De Niro was so clingy. You’d think that after one unanswered call, he’d send Jay-Z a final message by putting one of Beyonce’s wig heads in their bed.

Gene Hackman Is Not The One When It Comes To His Wife

Gene Hackman is 82-years-old and he’s proving that you’re never too old to whoop a homeless trick down for calling your wife a cunt. TMZ says that a bitchified hobo named Bruce Becker came at Pepaw Gene and his wife Betsy Arakawa as the two left a restaurant in Santa Fe, New Mexico on Tuesday. TMZ doesn’t say exactly how the hobo came at Gene, but the hobo learned that when you come at a pepaw for whatever reason, you will end up with a face full of his slappin’ hand.

After Bruce started shit with Gene, they both yelled at each other and the hobo took it to a new level by throwing the cunt word at Betsy. As soon as that word leaped off of Bruce’s tongue, the band stopped playing, the sun hid behind the clouds, tumbleweeds got out of the way, children ran inside, birds shut their mouths and the dust hitched a ride out of there on a sliver of wind. Nobody wanted to be around when shit got serious. Gene slapped Bruce right in the face. Bruce called the cops, but nobody got put into cuffs, because the police officer said Gene slapped Bruce out of self-defense.

I don’t even know Betsy Arakawa, but I’d still get all Peter Cetera on a bitch for screwing with her wrong. A woman whose floss thin brows match the arch of her hairline deserves to be defended at all costs.