Rupert Murdoch Is Watching You, Scientology

Maniacal villain Rupert Murdoch who knows all about wiretapping and stalking a bitch, spent some of his weekend firing shot after shot after shot at Tommy Girl and his band of crazed alien fuckers on Twitter (via ABC News). When Rupert Murdoch calls you an evil cunt, you know you’re doing a really good job at being an evil cunt. Rupert started beating on Scientology with his cane after he brought up the de-bearding of Tommy Girl and let it be known that he’s not afraid that the Scientologists will threaten to dip him in donut frosting and sic Kirstie Alley on his ass:

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Since Scientology tweet hundreds of attacks. Expect they will increase and get worse and maybe threatening. Still stick to my story.

Some people on Twitter thought it was funny that the pot called the kettle an evil whore, but I love it. I hope Rupert and his grumpy testicle face keep yanking at L. Ron Hubbard’s weave. But really, in a cage match between Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort, who do we root for? Wendi Deng obviously:

Karen Klein Does Not Accept Her Bullies’ Apologies

Karen Klein, the 68-year-old bus monitor from Greece, NY who was verbally attacked by a pack of little cuntmeisters, has been making the media rounds and last night she landed on MahBoo369me. During the interview, Anderson Cooper read apologies that two of the boys pushed out to the media. One of the boys, Josh, issued this statement and I’m sure his parents wrote it after he threatened to piss on their doorstep if they didn’t. It’s straight out of a bull’s culo:

“I am so sorry for the way I treated you. When I saw the video I was disgusted and could not believe I did that. I am sorry for being so mean and I will never treat anyone this way again.”

The memaw in Karen finally poked out and she pretty much farted on Josh’s apology and the apology from the other kid. Karen dragged Josh when she said that he’s also been a troublemaker and she’d never trust anything out of his mouth. YES! Drag that bitch, Karen! Chancleta slap him with your words!

Karen says that she’s still waiting for a real apology and not one that’s released to the media first. Karen doesn’t think the boys are evil down to the core, but she does think they should be punished by doing community service and getting kicked off the bus for a year.

And about that donation money…

Karen’s pot is filled with over $530,000. Karen told Anderson that she doesn’t think the money will ever find its way into her checking account, because it’s too good to be true. The dude who started the fundraiser still claims that it’s not a scam and the money will never touch his hands. Oh, and Southwest is also giving Karen a free trip to Disneyland for 9 people.

Yes, Karen is probably (hopefully) going to get over half-a-million dollars for this shit. I know we’re all thinking the same thing. Why didn’t YouTube exist when we were getting bullied in middle school?! We’d retired to Thailand at the age of 16. The whole “donation” thing is getting crazy and is sort of out of control, but whatever. I guess people watch the video, feel for Karen and since they can’t give her a hug, they give her something even better than a hug: MONAY!

And since I donated $10 early on and Karen is now way richer than me, I fully expect her to buy me a drink and some cheese fries.

This Is Everything: Grannies Watching Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape

Leave it to three memaws to perfectly sum up Kim Kardashian in one simple sentence: “She’s just laying there!” I became these three memaws’ fan at “His tongue is as long as his dick!” and I became their biggest fan at “His nose is in her cligh-toris!”

Do they take requests, because I need them to guide me through the Chyna sex tape. Shit, I need them to guide me through all sex tapes. They need their own show on Comedy Central. They can call it Granny Got Porn or Werther’s Original Theater 2012.

via Gawker

Shirley MacLaine Tells Us The One Good Thing About The Passing Of Dick Clark

The world is definitely a different place without Dick Clark in it, because there’s no such thing as New Year’s Eve anymore and all balls have lost the will to drop (my thoughts and prayers are with those who are stuck in puberty forever….Justin Bieber). But for Shirley MacLaine the world really is a different place without Dick Clark in it, because she no longer has to worry about his dogs getting bitchy with her dogs when she walks by his house in Malibu. At the premiere of her new movie Bernie, Reuters asked Shirley if had any thoughts on Dick Clark’s death and she didn’t even try to pretend like she’s broken in the heart about it.

“Well now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won’t attack mine. That’s one good thing.”

HAHAHAHA. I love this act of memaw bitchery for two reasons: 1) Shirley is and will always be Ouiser. You can’t take the Ouiser out of the Shirley! 2) Did Dick Clark take his dogs to the grave with him? Dick’s dogs are still and well, right? I hope so and I really hope Reuters is there when Shirley walks by his house in Malibu and nearly chokes on her cuntified words when his dogs run out to mouth shank her dogs.

via The Globe and Mail & USA Today (Thanks, Daniel)

Nobody Knows Heaven Like Gary Busey

Gary Busey spent 7 minutes in heaven, LITERALLY, when he temporarily died on the operating table while neurosurgeons repaired his damaged brain after a serious motorcycle accident in 1988. Since Gary’s frequent flyer miles include a trip to Heaven, he is an authority on the interior decorating style of God. (You ain’t the only one, Colton Burpo.) So when it came time to shoot a scene in Heaven for that movie where Gary played a reincarnated Pomeranian dog, he refused to act in the scene, because the Heaven set didn’t look like Heaven at all! Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) told this story when the AV Club (via Videogum) asked him what it was like working with the crazy sparkle of Hollywood:

AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him.

CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.

But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.

Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.

No mirrors in Heaven means no Kardashians in Heaven! Heaven truly is Heaven. But why doesn’t anyone ever come back from Hell? They’re always coming back from Heaven. Do they even have sofas in Hell? Are Hell’s sofas just giant CROCS? Do they have mirrors? If they do, does the reflection of a topless Pimp Mama Kris look back at you every time you go to style your hair with House of Dereon gel (the #1 hair gel in Hell)? Somebody please tell me if there’s mirrors in Hell, because I need to know how many bottles of Windex to bring when I’m packing for my trip to my afterlife.

Two Beautiful Words: PEPAW FIGHT!

Proving that you’re never too old (or disabled) to beat a geezer down, two retired football players got into a cane-wielding, flower-slapping old bitch battle at the Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday. This is what the Werther’s Original aisle at Rite-Aid looked like on Black Friday. YAASSS! The real-life Grumpy Old Men shit started when 73-year-old Joe Kapp, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, tried to give his forever arch rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger Cats, a flower. Angelo then said the words his nurse said earlier in the day to him as she handed him a suppository: “STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!” Boom. The bell went off and the Beneficial-sponsored Pepawweight Championship of the Retirement Home was on.

Joe pushed the flower against Angelo’s nose and the two went at it as the audience laughed, because priceless comedy IS two old cunts fighting over stupid shit. The only thing missing from this mess is Betty White in a bikini holding up a Round Two card as Angelo and Joe sip Ensure out of sippy cups in their corners. A winner wasn’t declared, but when two old ass hos start swinging their canes at each other, we all win!

via Gawker (Thanks to Rose & Tom for sending this Metamucil mess in)