QOTD: Donnie Wahlberg’s “Beautiful” Penis Perfectly Fits Jenny McCarthy’s Vagina

Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.

Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:

“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”

Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:

“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”

So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.

But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.

Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Got Pre-Divorced Too!

Speaking of has-been weddings…

Sorry, Brangelina, but your plan to takeover this week’s tabloid coverage with your stupid wedding has been foiled! Because a much more high-profile and anticipated wedding happened this weekend. Renowned medical scientist Jenny McCarthy married Donnie Wahlberg at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles, Illinois yesterday. They’ve been dating for about a year, which is about how long Donnie has been suffering from the brain hemorrhage that causes him to make fucked-up decisions like marrying that crazy wreck. E! News says that 41-year-old Jenny married 45-year-old Donnie in front of zero guests, because just like Marky Mark, they all had better things to do and who really wants to watch a New Kid fall all the way from grace into a puddle of wet bat shit by marrying Jenny McCarthy? That shit’s just depressing and will ruin anybody’s Labor Day weekend.

No, apparently, Jenny’s fellow The View refugee Sherri Shepherd and the New Kids were there. This is the second marriage for both of them.

Jenny wore an exquisitely demure wedding gown that probably made the officiant say, “Do you TITS take this New Kid to be…,” (E! has a picture of her bridal tits) and as she walked down the aisle, she was serenaded by the cries of the ghosts of the children who died because their stupid parents listened to Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny and Donnie had a Labor Day Weekend wedding, so are we guessing that they’re going to have a National Nut Day annulment or are we going to be really generous and guess that they’ll have a  Thanksgiving Day divorce? Or maybe it’ll end when Donnie is shuffled off to the mental hospital after stabbing his ears out after listening to the 900 millionth stream of cold shit coming out of Jenny’s mouth. But then again, he grew up with Marky Mark and has sang, “oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh,” at least one billion times, so he can take almost any kind of torture.

First, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross got married and then Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg. It’s truly been an all-star A-list wedding weekend! Next up, I’ll tell you about the wedding between a chick who was almost on The Bachelor and a guy who was in the background during a scene on Vanderpump Rules.

And here’s some crystal clear, hi-res pictures of Jenny in her wedding dress.

Pics: Splash

Mark Wahlberg Lazily Instagrammed A Wedding Congratulations To His Brother

In either an inadvertently humorous response or a subtle “yeah, go fuck yaself, Donnie” to bitchery over his not attending his brother Donnie’s wedding to moronic child-endangerer Jenny McCarthy in NYC yesterday, Mark Wahlberg posted a video (below) to his Instagram of him and his million children congratulating them. He explains to those who care (*looks around, finds no one*) that he couldn’t attend because it was daughter Ella’s 11th birthday. (Right, Ella? Help Daddy lie now!)

Mark Wahlberg does very little for me. I have a psychic scar to explain it. When I was in high school, one of my best lady friends would make us drive past his Mom’s house every day after school in the hopes that he would be visiting and I guess naked on the front lawn. It was one town over from our school. This was back when he was “hot” (which was right after “racist” – er, I don’t think that’s what made him hot for her). One day he DID happen to be leaving his mom’s house, so my friend gunned it to follow him wherever he was going. It was bad enough that I wasn’t out of the closet in high school and was now in a car chase with a male teen idol and Calvin Klein underwear model for everyone’s future reference. But then she caught up to him at a stoplight. I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life. I just stared straight ahead praying for death. I don’t even know what she did.  He drove off while I was wondering if it would be possible to shove myself into her glove compartment out of shame. This explains my aversion to Mahk. Well, that and he comes off as an asshole.

That being said. I am so with Mahky Mahk on this one.  I would have said it was the guinea pig’s birthday and they would have had to deal. Or I was getting the car washed. Or combing my pubes that day so they looked particularly fluffy and buoyant. Or “your bride has a child body count website dedicated to her.” That should suffice.

Mahky Mahk Is Skipping Donnie Walhberg’s Wedding Because He Doesn’t Like The Bride

Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. Continue reading

Donnie Wahlberg Comes Out As A Masochist By Getting Engaged To Jenny McCarthy

And just like that, thousands of psychiatrists who have never treated Donnie Wahlberg just diagnosed him with psychotic depression and severe masochism. Their evidence? He asked the silicone-brained stick of dull wax that is Jenny McCarthy to marry him.

Today on The View, a relic from the 90s that won’t go away announced to the cackling hyenas around her that she’s getting married to a relic from the 90s who can still fill the panties of 30-somethings with crotch pudding. Back peddaler Jenny McCarthy showed off the yellow sapphire and diamond ring that I hope Donnie Wahlberg bought at Claire’s, because New Kids on the Block’s only got so many reunions tours in them and he shouldn’t waste his cash on some shit that’ll be pawned off in a couple of years (I’m being generous) after the divorce. Jenny told the hysterical hens that after dating for about a year, Donnie proposed last weekend with help from her son Evan. Here’s the clip of Jenny announcing she’s getting pre-divorced and as that blonde enema full of crazy did an obnoxious “YAY” dance, the Wahlbergs all cried themselves into a giant puddle of woe. They already have one crazy in their family (see: Marky Mark) and now they’ve got two.

Somewhere, Donnie is having ear plugs surgically installed in his ear holes, because he knows that it’s the only way he’ll be able to fully deal with a crazy bitch who thought he liked dick, because he didn’t try to wet hump her two seconds after meeting her.

And Donnie has hung out with Jenny and her fellow anti-vaxxers for a year and hasn’t caught the measles yet, which tells me he’s been vaccinated, which brings a smile out of my face, because Jenny has obviously swallowed some vaccine-infused jizz.

When A Side-Eye From A Baby Perfectly Captures Your Feelings About Jenny McCarthy

A special, wet, sloppy thank you goes to Buzzfeed for finding this inspiring still of a baby throwing a first-class, museum worthy side-eye at enemy of the children Jenny McCarthy on New Year’s Eve. Throwing first degree shade at Jenny McCarthy is the right way to start 2014!

Because ABC didn’t want anyone to watch their network on New Year’s Eve, they gave shit-brained plastic muppet Jenny McCarthy a mic and made her Ryan Seacrest’s co-host on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve. Right after midnight, Jenny McCarthy put her lips on her piece Donnie Wahlberg and the camera captured my new hero killing Jenny with a side-eye. Today is Thursday in Monday’s clothes, so I’ve sort of got a small case of the Mondays, but this baby side-eye has soothed my nerves and has revitalized my soul. That side-eye is a vaccine for everything and is a potent vitamin that fuels my hate for Jenny McCarthy.

That side-eye is a cross between a “This crazy bitch is giving my kind the measles!” side-eye and a “Donnie, girl, what are you doing?” side-eye. It’s perfect. It’s everything. It’s the best thing that has happened in 2014 so far. Keep the Jenny McCarthy hate coming, baby!

Pics: Splash