Gayken’s Coming Out Song?

Clay Gayken’s ginger ass was on QVC last night hawking his CD that only Claymates will buy. Gayken sang several songs from his new album, “The Real Me Is A Fruitcake.” MTV Newsroom thinks that one tune he sang during the QVC show might be his “coming out” song.

Some of the lyrics to the song “The Real Me” go:

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I’m tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade…

Sure, he could be singing it to a big, juicy cock. I picture him singing it to his limited-edition Cabbage Patch Snuggle Beans doll. Snuggle Beans really does see the real Gayken.

Wait…..he sings about sad clowns? Gayken knows how to get to me! Don’t be a sad circus clown, Gayken! I’ll kiss your foreskin if it makes you feel better. I know, gross. Well! I don’t want him to be a sad clown!

The clip of Gayken singing about a sad clown (tears) is below:

Claymates Are Scary

The ultimate Claymate might have been found. Clay Gayken is currently starring on Broadway in “Spermalot” and one Claymate has already seen it 40 times. Seeing Gayken 40 times will make even the sanest person go nuts. Sources tell Gatecrasher that the women waits by the stage door for Gayken and the other actors.

One actor asked the woman why she loves Gayken so much, she answered the only way a crazed Claymate would answer, “He is the Savior.” A Savior to whom? A group of bear tops with blue balls?

A source said the woman starts waiting by the stage door at 9 in the morning. She tries to talk to anybody that will listen to her, “She says talking to the other actors, she feels a step closer to Clay.” If you see this bitch, proceed with caution. She’s delusional enough to mistake you for Clay Gayken and hump you to death with her memaw vadge.

Actually, I bet you the crazed Claymate is Cynthia Nixon’s butch girlfriend in a lady wig. Well, she obviously has a taste for Ginger Dykes!

Insert Dick (Or Fist) Here

Clay Gayken please! This is too much information. I really don’t need to see his “12-inch-dick-up-ass” face. You know all the middle-aged Claymates in the crowd were rubbing their ginas raw over their mom jeans while Clay was making his O face.

Here’s Gayken promoting his role in “Spermalot” with a handprint ceremony at Planet Hollywood Times Square today.

Where Is Christine Marinoni?

The “Sex and the City” hags came out to support Cynthia Nixon last night. Cynthia was honored with the “Ginges Who Love Bull Dykes” award. No, she was awarded some Point of Courage award or something. She is courageous for going down on Christine Marinoni. Speaking of, I don’t think she was there last night!

I fucking live for seeing Christine and couldn’t find her anywhere in the pictures. She’s like an episode of “Rags to Riches.” I constantly channel surf for an episode, hoping to land on one, but it never comes. Christine is like that.

Maybe I should hang out in the tool section of Home Depot. She’s bound to show up there!

Here’s more pics of My Little Pony Parker and her lambs last night. I also added some Judith Light, because she’s hotter than all of them combined with a dash of sugar.

Jack Nicholson Lives The Good Life

It’s 60 degrees and shitty here in NYC and it looks like it’s about 80 and fucking gorgeous in Hawaii. Yeah, but the milk is still $10. Although, that might be an urban legend.

The Jack is still in Hawaii where he’s body surfing, tanning his moobs and chatting up the ladies. I’m sure he’s getting lucky night and day. The horny tourists are probably eating him up. They better be using rubbers. Jack is virile! He has like 7 kids or some shit. I went to Hawaii and all I got was Jack Nicholson’s baby.

The Things We Do For Kids

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I’m yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn’t miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn’t perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So….here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser’s on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I’m starting to think it’s actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete’s heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don’t think they could function if their hair was not straight.