CORRECTION: Carey Hart Hated On Chris Brown, Not Katy Perry

Earlier I said that Carey Hart licked his finger and burned Katy Perry on Twitter last night when he said that she copied one of his wife’s performances and his wife did it better. Well, forget I said that and while you’re at it forget that you twisted your nipples this morning to these hot pictures of the sexual napalm that is Tan Mom (I know you did). Carey Hart didn’t throw hate at Katy Perry for swinging around on a sex swing, but he did throw hate at Chris Brown’s Billboard Music Awards performance last night. Carey says that Chris Brown took one of his wife’s old performances, put it on one of the copiers at Kinko’s and re-labeled it as “Turn Up The Music.” Carey clarified his shit today on Twitter:

I love twitter! To clarify i was talkin trash bout CB performance, 2 years ago my wife had the same set and actually sang “Raise ur Glass”

Looks like someone else’s fans got a bit wound up! Funny, that performance looked real familiar to.

And last night, Pink got into the Difficult Brown bashing too by hating on Chris Brown for moving his mouth to a recorded track instead of singing live.

one day if i lipsync, i hope i do it as well as him….

for the record; i luv me some Katy, so y’all can jump off that run away train, k? i stand behind, always have and always will, LIVE SINGING

NOW EVERYBODY GO HUG SOMEONE! i just did. 🙂 have a fantastic day

I’ve never had a problem with lip-synching (coming from a bitch who has watched every episode of Puttin’ on the Hits), but Chris Brown sucks at it. If Chris put as much effort into lip-synching as he puts into being a spoiled piece of throbbing shit, he’d be the Puttin’ on the Hits champion. But when Chris lip-synchs, it looks like a dog trying to drink water out of a garden hose. Just moving his mouth hoping to catch one of the lyrics. So I say, keep fucking that chicken, Pink and Carey!

In related news, John Legend’s fiancee Chrissy Teigen called Chris out on Twitter for lip-synching and Team Breezy attacked her hard. They said she needs to kill herself and said John Legend needs to leash his ho. It’s impossible to take Team Breezy seriously when their name sounds like the name of a pro-queef group. Actually, they kind of are a pro-queef group.

Shame On You For Looking At Paparazzi Pictures Of Pink’s Baby Friend!

Pink and Carey Hart released this picture of them making a skin bjorn with their arms for their ten second-old daughter Willow, but she made it clear on her website that she only did so because the paparazzi kept stalking out in her anus and she wanted to kill the fire. The paparazzi do know that the year is 2011 and that Pink’s government name isn’t Angelina Jolie and that 99.9% of the public will be able to fall asleep at night if they don’t see a picture of her newborn baby’s face? If not, they should really get someone to update their files.

Pink started off her extra long rant by saying that she and Carey donated the money they made from selling the first picture of their baby to Ronald McDonald House and Autism Speaks. Then Pink wrote that she doesn’t understand how in the US, magazines and websites don’t blur out the faces of the young the same way they do in Europe and the UK. Pink thinks this is just ten scoops of shameful and she also think those who look at pictures of other people’s kids are the suppository that is helping to push the wrong shit out.

To anyone out there that buys a magazine, or goes onto a website to look at pictures of other people’s children, may you at least think for a second about what you may inadvertently be supporting. We are so appreciative that people are interested in seeing our daughter. We WANT to share our joys with you, but as parents (and new parents), we should be able to govern these decisions, shouldn’t we? And to be clear, I’m speaking directly to these “stolen” photographs–paparazzi photos.

So when you see our middle fingers up in all of our pictures, now you know the motivation. It’s all we can do to stop images of a newborn baby from being printed without our consent. Can you imagine a world where they would blur out our middle finger to protect a “consumer” over blurring out an innocent child to protect their integrity and privacy?

Thank you for letting me say my peace. Do I expect this letter to change the world? No. But if it plants a seed of awareness, if a politician or an activist or a legislator or a teacher or police officer is prompted to even think about it–let alone engage, I have done my part on behalf of my daughter. Not surprising that lesson one from me to my daughter is to let one’s voice be heard.

Pink has a point or two, but there are two sides to this. I never understand why the paps are willing to crack their ankles from chasing after a newborn celebrity baby, because they pretty much look the same. Just take a picture of a dried apricot with closed human eyelids on it, and I’d still say, “CUTE BABY, PINK!” It’s just a baby! And I also never understand how some paps climb trees to take pictures of half-naked celebrity kids hanging out in a backyard and they never think to themselves, “Hmmm. Do I realize that this will get me a poke from PedoBear on Facebook?”

But THEN AGAIN, there are famewhoring and clueless parents like Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie who will push Suri out in front of a camera even though she’s practically dying inside. And there’s someone like Johnny Depp who moved his family to the middle of nowhere in France so that he can have some privacy.

If I was Pink and wanted to stay living in L.A., I’d use a little logic. You know how US magazines never publish titties without a black box or blur puddle over them? Well, whenever I take my kid out I’d just throw a titty mask over her face. That way the magazines HAVE to blur her out. Every problem really is solved with chichis!

(Picture via People)

Pink Gave Birth To A Wise Nelwyn From Nockmaar

After being pregnant for what seemed like centuries, Pink’s chocha finally exhaled a baby girl in Los Angeles last night. Just picture Pink’s pregnant ass twirling above on a ribbon trapeze and birthing her newborn daughter into a water cannon below, which shot her baby straight into her arms as harlequin clowns on neon ladders threw confetti around them. That’s pretty much how things went down. Once Pink changed out of her skin tight birthing suit, she and Carey Hart shared the good news with their Twitter followers. Sadly, she didn’t name her baby after a whiskey brand like she said she would. Instead she named her baby after a Smith. LIAR.

“We are ecstatic to welcome our new beautiful healthy happy baby girl, Willow Sage Hart. She’s gorgeous, just like her daddy. #beyondblessed”

Willow Sage sounds like so many things to me. It sounds like the AOL screen name of a goth teen circa 1995 who thinks she’s impressing all her friends by announcing she’s a Wiccan now. It also sounds like the name of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer room spray sold exclusively at select Hot Topic stores. It also might be the name of a poultry rub I bought at Whole Foods a few weeks ago. I could go on and on and on, but I’ll just say that Willow was never my favorite Willow character and sage is definitely not my favorite spice. Pink should’ve gone with something like Queen Bavmorda Cumin. Now, that is a name.

via People

Pink Has Been Pregnant Forever

Pink has had a gut full of baby for almost 9 months now, but it feels like there should be a toddler leg hanging out of her cooch and a 2-year-old’s hand waving out of her mouth. It really feels like somebody set her gestation period to “elephant,” but Pink made the best of it in Malibu yesterday with Carey Hart and their friends.

If you’re going to be the maximum amount of knocked up, you might as well look as fabulous as possible while doing so. This is pretty much what Tyne Daly looked like at her Fried Green Tomatoes audition. Pink is so damn happy that it looks like she’s screaming HEY-LOOOO in every single one of these pictures. And she gets extra points for wearing a white cotton titty curtain that reveals a 10-second nipple show whenever the wind blows it up.

Andre Leon Talley Leads The Fuckery Parade At The MET Gala

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

Pink Is Good At Naming Babies

Never mind that Pink is dressed like a cholita clown extra in a Cirque du Soleil production of Mi Vida Loca (they should really get on that), one of her true gifts is naming babies. Who knew? If Pink was in charge of naming every single baby, we’d have a bunch of toddlers with names usually found on White Oprah’s grocery list. This is a good thing. Pink still has about 6 more months of pregnancy to go, but she tells Access Hollywood that she and Carey Hart already have picked out the name Jameson if they have a boy.

“My dad’s name is James, and my brother’s name is Jason. [Carey and I] are both Irish, Carey’s middle name is Jason, [and] Jameson – we like whiskey. That’s a no brainer.”

Naming your child after booze? This is brilliant. It’s also a valid reason for having kids. Then I could have a little baby Ron Vicaro and a little baby Bombay Sapphire crawling around. Don’t worry, I’d pull a Pink and tell everyone my second cousin’s middle name is “Ron” and “Bombay” was the name of my mom’s childhood cat, or something like that.