John Mayer Is Trying To “Woo” Jennifer Lawrence Away From Chris Martin

Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!

A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.

“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”

I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.

E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:

“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”

If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…

Gwyneth Paltrow Is A-OK With Martin Lawrence

Again, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina! – I mean, Damn Gwynnie! When the hell did we have a problem???”

When it was announced that Chris Martin was slow-humping (you know that bitch has to make sex a ~soulful~ experince) on America’s Kewlest Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, most of us gleefully shot our eyes to the direction of Gwyneth Paltrow in anticipation for some kind of free-range hand-carved imported organic basic bitch meltdown upon learning that she’d been replaced by the cooler 24-year-old version of herself. But sadly, we’re not about to get one. Well, at least not for the time being. E! news says that Goopy is actually legit happy that her former partner in insufferable self-importance is getting his dick wet:

“Gwyneth is very happy for Chris, that he has moved on and found someone else,” a source tells E! News. “Their split has been remarkably amiable and they both just want the best for one another.”

Moreover, Gwyneth “can see why Jennifer is a good match for Chris,” our source adds. “Chris is very drawn to her personality, and ambition and talent. There are actually some amazing similarities between Jennifer and Gwyneth and how they view life and career, and so Gwyneth knows that ultimately Jennifer has the power to make Chris happy in the long term.

“And that’s all Gwyneth wants for Chris,” the insider reiterates. “They might not be a couple anymore, but they will always be co-parents and best friends.”

Gwyneth’s “source” (Hi Jessica Seinfeld!) used an awful lot of words, when really, they could have saved themselves some time by saying “Gwyneth is too busy fucking that weird looking dude from Glee to care what Chris Martin is doing. The End. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up Gwyneth’s weekly order of hand-picked North African crocus stems, or else she won’t have anything to filter her imported sperm whale sweat with, and would you spritz your face with unfiltered sperm whale sweat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

Martin Lawrence Went On A Romantic Wine Date At A Vineyard

Cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina, when the hell did I go to a vineyard???” E! News says that Martin Lawrence, the this-makes-zero-sense union between Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence, were spotted two weeks ago on a goopy-sounding date at the Wolffer Estate Vineyard in New York.

“They were there on a date,” the source dished. “They were very low-key, nobody realized who they were.”

“The setting was super-romantic. They watched the sun go down together, then quietly left,” the insider continued, noting that it’s believed the two both sampled wines.

That it’s believed? Oh believe this, you’d know if Jennifer Lawrence had been sampling wine. First of all, JLaw doesn’t “sample”, she guzzles. Second, JLaw left quietly? That means she didn’t “sample” shit. If JLaw had been “sampling” wine, she would have found every set of stairs at Wolffler Estates, fallen down them twice, tried to climb one of the oak casks and ride it like Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Dr. Strangelove, referred to the Sommelier as a ‘Somalian Pirate’, and passed out clutching a bunch of grape vines she ripped from the ground. So no, she didn’t sample any wine, which means it sounds like the most boring trip to the vineyard ever.

Meanwhile, back at Castle Goopskull, Chris Martin’s older model Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow, was reminding him that she’s still around by nominating him for the ALS ice bucket challenge by having her assistant (who’s name is probably Kevin, but she made him legally change it to something more pretentious sounding like Sébastien) dump a bucket of warm triple-filtered organic dewdrops collected from the petals of freshly-bloomed imported French peonies.

I love how she makes sure to mention that she’s also giving money. “I know a lot of celebrities are just dumping free tapwater on their heads, but I, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, philanthropist and world’s best friend, am also donating money, because I am just ~so~ much better at the ALS challenge than you.”

Video: Instagram

Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Doing It

And yes, those are the faces they make while doing it.

So, I was lying in a half-coma after getting throat fucked by a scope (the scope and are going to have burritos at Chipolte later and do it again in my car) and an alert from E! popped up on my phone that I thought read: Chris Martin and Joey Lawrence Are Seeing Each Other. The image of Joey Lawrence blurting out “Whoah!” while Chris Martin tongue bones him temporarily cured all my ails. But Chris Martin and Joey Lawrence aren’t touching nipples. Chris Martin and America’s Former Sweetheart (sorry, but Chris Pratt owns the title now) Jennifer Lawrence are. Several sources tell E! News that Chris and Jennifer have been dating since late June. I guess he has a thing for Oscar-winning blondes who can get on a bitch’s nerve and she has a thing for British dudes with eyebrow situations that need to be tamed.

Heat (via People) says that at a Coldplay concert in July, 24-year-old JLaw and 37-year-old Chris Martin were flirting for two hours.

Well, leave it to the definition of “random” to shit up a couple on a Friday.

So while Goopy Paltrow is using lube made from the saliva of a Red-Crowned Crane to elegantly make love to that Glee dude on a cashmere-covered mattress stuffed with the feathers of baby swans as members of the actual London Philharmonic play Verdi in the corner, Chris Martin is fucking Jennifer Lawrence on the sticky wrappers of the Big Macs they just ate. And you know they fart a lot while fucking. Or actually, maybe they don’t bone at all, because every time he opens his mouth to speak, she falls into a coma.

These two don’t make any sense, but I’m still for it. Because Jennifer Lawrence will totally take Apple and Moses to McDonald’s and sneak them Snickers and shit. And anything that makes Goopy seethe can only be good!

Here’s Martin Lawrence separately leaving the after-party for Coldplay’s show in London last July.

Chris Martin Says He’ll Only Eat Animals He Thinks He Could Kill

BRB, I need to check to see that there are still laws against cannibalism. Listening to Coldplay usually makes me want to kill myself, and I want to make sure the next time “Fix You” starts playing in the grocery store, I don’t have to be worried that Chris Martin is lurking around the spice aisle with a napkin tucked into the collar of his shirt and licking his chops.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s former hourly organic porpoise facial oil spritzer appeared on Radio 2 to promote what will surely be Prince William’s favorite new album, Ghost Stories. Chris Martin confessed that after Gwyneth demanded he hand over his set of keys to the servant’s backdoor entrance to Castle Goopskull in exchange for the return of his balls, one of the life changes he made was to ditch his vegetarian diet:

“I am not really vegetarian. I eat meat. I was vegetarian for a long time but, for various reasons, I changed. I’d only eat something that I think I could kill. I’d kill a fish. Not a giraffe.”

“For various reasons” – ie. He was sick of sucking on raw strips of coconut bark and imported galangal roots for however many years he was married to The Water Whisperer and he would have cut off his own beautiful angel curls (his source of basic boy bitch power) for a stale Wendy’s JBC.

And I hope Gwyneth doesn’t share the same philosophy as Chris, otherwise every animal on the planet is totally fucked. Do you know how little it would take for Gwyneth to smug us to death? No hunting rifles, no crossbows; just a GOOP.com article about exclusive $1900 apres-bath sheets hand-woven from French cumulus clouds served with an extra-large side of insufferable delusion and self-worth, and it would be like the comet that wiped out the dinosaurs.

Chris Martin Is Taking The Blame For Consciously Uncoupling His Marriage

Chris Martin better set aside an extra hour in his busy schedule of dancing freely in the streets and joyfully riding a shopping cart down the Pop Tarts aisle of the grocery store, because he’s going to need to dedicate some time to listening to the dozens of angry voicemails left by Gwyneth Paltrow after he went off script during an interview with BBC Radio 1 by blaming himself for the conscious uncoupling of the Goop-Martins. Oh shit, you dun goofed Chris Martin! It was nobody’s fault, remember?? It because of science and evolving at a higher level and being super enlightened. Stick to the script Coldplay!

“I wouldn’t use the word breakdown. This was more a realization about trying to grow up basically… if you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.”

“About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this — I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.”

That first quote sounds like the Chris Martin version of a Goop statement, and it’s too early for me to comprehend that shit (“appreciate the wonder”??) but I think I understand what he’s saying in that second quote. Two years ago he was a mess because he wasn’t allowed to enjoy things like Cheetos and ice cream and scratching his balls on the sofa while falling asleep to House Hunters. And he’s got nobody to blame but himself, because it’s not like Gwyneth was holding a Damien Hirst diamond-covered gun to his head, forcing him to drink organic chia seed and kohlrabi smoothies (she was too busy giving herself a giant raises and interest-free loans). So now it’s time for him to start making some changes.

And it looks like one of the first changes in his How Coldplay Got His Groove Back life journey is that he’s started doing fun stuff again (“I’m sorry, watching me reenact my Oscar speech isn’t fun?” – Goopy). Here’s Chris leaving Posh Spice’s 40th birthday party in London, and of course he’s smiling, because how could you not after slamming shots with Ginger and Sporty?

Pics: Splash