John Mayer Is Trying To “Woo” Jennifer Lawrence Away From Chris Martin

Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!

A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.

“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”

I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.

E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:

“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”

If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…