Chris Martin better set aside an extra hour in his busy schedule of dancing freely in the streets and joyfully riding a shopping cart down the Pop Tarts aisle of the grocery store, because he’s going to need to dedicate some time to listening to the dozens of angry voicemails left by Gwyneth Paltrow after he went off script during an interview with BBC Radio 1 by blaming himself for the conscious uncoupling of the Goop-Martins. Oh shit, you dun goofed Chris Martin! It was nobody’s fault, remember?? It because of science and evolving at a higher level and being super enlightened. Stick to the script Coldplay!
“I wouldn’t use the word breakdown. This was more a realization about trying to grow up basically… if you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.”
“About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this — I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.”
That first quote sounds like the Chris Martin version of a Goop statement, and it’s too early for me to comprehend that shit (“appreciate the wonder”??) but I think I understand what he’s saying in that second quote. Two years ago he was a mess because he wasn’t allowed to enjoy things like Cheetos and ice cream and scratching his balls on the sofa while falling asleep to House Hunters. And he’s got nobody to blame but himself, because it’s not like Gwyneth was holding a Damien Hirst diamond-covered gun to his head, forcing him to drink organic chia seed and kohlrabi smoothies (she was too busy giving herself a giant raises and interest-free loans). So now it’s time for him to start making some changes.
And it looks like one of the first changes in his How Coldplay Got His Groove Back life journey is that he’s started doing fun stuff again (“I’m sorry, watching me reenact my Oscar speech isn’t fun?” – Goopy). Here’s Chris leaving Posh Spice’s 40th birthday party in London, and of course he’s smiling, because how could you not after slamming shots with Ginger and Sporty?