Jennifer Lawrence’s Memaw Tells The Sun That Chris Martin Is Coming To Her House For Christmas

There goes my dream of Jennifer Lawrence going to Goopy Paltrow’s house for Christmas and bringing a conscious coupling chocolate pie with her.

Jennifer Lawrence can’t tell her grandma anything anymore, because memaw goes and spills it into the ear of a British reporter. A reporter from The Sun (via The Daily Mail) called up Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, Carolyn Koch, and after Memaw Carol asked the reporter if they know Angela Lansbury, because she just LOVES Murder, She Wrote, they got to talking about whatever (examples: Memaw Carol’s cheddar and apple pie recipe, that gossiping biddy Bernice who lives down the street, etc…) and then one thing led to her talking about Chris Martin. Memaw Carol told The Sun that her daughter went to meet Chris Martin in L.A. and they’re planning to have him over for Christmas. Memaw Carol allegedly said this to The Sun (Note: Either Memaw Carol has been watching a lot of Downton Abbey or The Sun changed “mother” to “mum“):

“Jennifer’s mum flew to Los Angeles to meet Chris. We will have to get another chair for the dinner table at Christmas. The family is getting so big we might have to split up for gatherings.”

At that point, Jennifer’s grandpa, Colin Koch, picked up the phone because he just got their electric bill and it was CRAZY high. He was planning to call the electric company and give them a piece of his goddamn mind. Are they fixing the meters? He saw that on the news. They better lower the bill or he’s going to call 7 On Your Side. But when he got on the phone, he heard his wife talking to that British reporter and then HE spilled some stuff about Jennifer Lawrence too:

“Jennifer doesn’t like the hype. She looks like she really enjoys doing TV interviews but she’s just a great actress. She hasn’t changed one bit – she is so humble and down to earth.”

Thanks memaw and pepaw! Now everyone knows that Chris Martin is going to be with JLaw’s family on Christmas. But you know, Memaw Carol doesn’t have to worry about getting an extra chair. This is the first Christmas where Chris Martin won’t be served wet organic almonds on a bed of alfalfa sprouts. So he’s going to squat at the end of the table, open his mouth hole wide and pull at the tablecloth until all of that delicious, fatty food is in his belly.

Here’s JLaw at the screening of Serena at the BFI London Film Festival last night.

Pics: AP, Getty

Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Wants To Spend Some Time With Chris Martin’s New Girlfriend

Why did I immediately get the feeling this post should have a “You in danger girl” tag? According to Us Weekly, a source close to Gwyneth Paltrow (the $1250 hand-carved imported acacia wood stick that’s permanently stuck up her ass) says that she’s ready to meet Chris Martin’s new squeeze, America’s favorite fart-sniffin’ cool girl Jennifer Lawrence, and wants to spend some time getting to know her. Keep your basic friends close and your enemies closer! I’m sure that’s stitched in 24k gold thread on a Mulberry silk pillow somewhere in Castle Goopskull.

“She’d like to spend a little time with her and thinks they’d probably get along.” The source adds that the Shakespeare in Love actress is “fine” with her ex’s romance with Lawrence but would like him to wait a bit before introducing her to their kids, daughter Apple and son Moses. “Gwyneth wants to be sure about her,” the source says.

Oh Gwyneth, you crafty come-to-life corn broom you. I can see what she’s trying to do here. She wants to get the scoop on JLaw without coming across like Chris’s crazy ex-wife (tooooo laaate), so she’ll casually try to invite herself over to JLaw’s house for a little GOOP-y girl’s night. Then after about an hour of sipping chilled organic tiger tear gin and tonics and talking about GOOP-y girl stuff (“OMG Jenny, don’t you totally hate it when you get a blow out and the stylist forgets to apply crushed grey pearl serum??”), Gwyneth will excuse herself and go rummaging through JLaw’s bathroom for cool girl dirt. “Ew, what is this? A toothbrush? You mean she doesn’t have an in-house dentist who cleans her teeth every morning? And she still uses towels? Gawd, it’s 2014 – I thought everyone had made the transition to a $29,000 personal moisture removal machine by now.”

And totally off topic, but what is it with all of Gwyneth’s exes moving on to girls name Jennifer? Chris Martin, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck (twice!) – something in the cashmere-filtered lemongrass water ain’t clean!

Here’s more of I’m-not-a-regular-ex-wife-I’m-a-cool-ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow serving up some sexy corn husk doll realness at an Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences lunch yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

Jennifer Lawrence Wants A Man Who Will Fart In Front Of Her And Eat Gluten-Filled Carbs

In a fart-filled basement somewhere, a human neckbeard with eyes took a moment from fapping to Jennifer Lawrence’s naked pictures with help from popcorn oil to scream at his screen, “I’m your dream man, Jennifer Lawrence. I am him!”

Jennifer Lawrence took her never-ending “I’m The Rill-est” campaign to Vanity Fair and told them that what really makes her heart flutter is the wind coming out of her boyfriend’s asshole. JLaw is a rill kind of rill girl and she wants a boyfriend who will watch Real Housewives with her, doesn’t like to fight, will fill his eating hole with delicious preservatives and is open enough to cover her body with her perfume of choice: farts. If it wasn’t for the tiny fact that she has a poon instead of a peen, we’d be soulmates.

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Color Me A Goop Shade Of Shocked: Gwyneth Paltrow Still Controls Everything Chris Martin Does

File this under: “DUH! Of course that hay-haired control freak does!“. Even though human water cracker Gwyneth Paltrow and come-to-life cashmere scarf Chris Martin have been separated for what feels like years now and he’s moved on to shedding a single tear while slow-humping on Katniss Everdeen and she’s moved on to rubbing her bland parts on the Jonathan Cheban-looking dude who created Glee, Grazia UK (via The Daily Mail) says that Gwyneth still has Chris on a tight $900 imported leather leash.

A source (the lead singer of The Nappies) says that Goopy is happy that Chris has found someone to poke with his melancholy penis, but she doesn’t want him to forget about his co-parenting priorities, so she’s drawn up a schedule to make sure Chris spends enough time at Castle Goopskull with her and the gooplets. But how does Chris Martin feel about it? The source says you can call him “Natalie Imbruglia”, because he’s TORN:

They say Chris is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage. “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,” the source tells the magazine. “The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

I have no idea what Chris Martin’s Goop-approved schedule is actually like – it could just be like “Saturday, 10:30 – go organic meyer lemon picking with gooplets“. But since everything Gwyneth writes is a hand-dyed linen bag of bullshit, that schedule is most likely the worst. I bet even the gooplets look at it and roll their eyes. “Jesus Christ, mom…2:30-4:45 – watch Gwyneth work out to Tracy Anderson’s Awkward White Girl Hip-Hop Dance DVD? Again?“

Martin Lawrence Finally Photographed Together (Sort Of)

I know, somebody should really come up with a different couple name for these two hos, because every time I see “Martin Lawrence,” I get really confused when my eyes land on a picture of a white girl with Taylor Swift hair. I think to myself, “Did Sheneneh bleach her skin?” So yeah, they need a new couple name so the confusion can stop! Maybe JenRis? Or JMart? Or LaMart? Or La Wart? La Wart it definitely is!

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin have reportedly been doing it for a few weeks now and even though they’ve been together in public places, there’s zero pictures of them together. No grainy cell phone pictures. No slick pictures that a tricky trick took of themselves in the foreground and La Wart in the background. None of that. But at last night’s iHeart Radio music festival at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin ended up in the same frame. We’re getting closer to the truth!

People says that JLaw was at Coldplay’s rehearsal and sang along. During their set at the iFart Radio music festival, she stood on the side and went to his dressing room afterward. Because you won’t believe it until you hear it from an anonymous source, here’s an anonymous source repeating what I just wrote in the sentence before this one:

“She was off to the side of the stage when he performed. After his set, she snuck back into his dressing room.”

JLaw’s PR team should leak a picture of them sucking on each other’s mouths already. Because all we’ve got are stories of her going to Coldplay shows and singing along to every song, and a picture of her backstage with Chris Martin in the background. At this point, Jennifer Lawrence is coming off as Coldplay’s #1 fan and a Chris Martin groupie stalker. I won’t judge JLaw for knowing the words to every Coldplay song (yes, I will), but I will never be able to look at her if it came out that she’s a Chris Martin groupie stalker. That’s like saying that unsalted mashed cauliflower made with tap water is your favorite food ever. Even Taylor Swift would say, “Girl, love yourself more.”

Pics: Getty

Martin Lawrence Does Date Night At Home

As always, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: ‘Damn Gina, when the hell did I decide to stop doing date night at The Cheesecake Factory?‘

According to People, Chris Pratt’s sister from another mister (whatever the fuck that means) Jennifer Lawrence and human casual scarf Chris Martin don’t do regular date nights like the rest of us: they don’t realize at 5:45pm that they forgot to take a shower and rush to find a shirt that doesn’t smell like turkey or is covered in dog hair before driving across town to the ‘good’ Olive Garden to wait 45 minutes for a table because SOMEONE forgot to call and make reservations. They don’t do that. What they do do is they stay at home and bask in the warming glow of each other’s radiant awesomeness. Or slow-fuck to “The Scientist“, I dunno:

“Jen has made a few visits to his Malibu house,” says a source. “Chris seems very respectful of Gwyneth and feels more comfortable spending time with Jen away from his family.”

On weekends, though, the singer has been all about his kids Apple and Moses. “Gwyneth and Chris take the kids for brunch or dinner together every weekend,” says the source. “He and Gwyneth still share responsibilities when it comes to their two kids.”

Ugh, poor JLaw! I bet that when date night comes around, she’d love nothing more than to hit up her local Hooters for some all-you-can-eat wings and get wild on a couple $5.99 pitchers of PBR, but Chris is too tired from being GOOP-whipped all weekend, so they have to stay home. And you know that sleepy-sounding trick is already at maximum tired before he even shuffles off to Castle Goopskull! Imagine what it’s like when he comes home? “Oh god, then she made the three of us go on a 3-hour scavenger hunt for a 15th Century Italian hairbrush hand-carved for Cosimo de Medici she’d hidden somewhere in the house. Our reward for finding it was to brush her hair 10,000 strokes while she told us about the many uses of imported dolphin salt. I’m exhausted. Let’s just watch some Big Bang Theory and order Thai.“