The White House Correspondents’ Dinner Red Carpet Starring Gary Fisher

Last night was the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. President Obama actually made the room, and me, laugh. Larry Wilmore didn’t. Donald Trump was a no show. And there were tons, TONS, of celebrities (and celebrity-adjacents) there. Celebrities love nothing more than being invited to fancy political things because, I imagine, they feel it makes them legitimate. “Well! Mr President Barack Obama thought I was worth his time,” I see some TV actress saying when doors get shut in her face at auditions for shows at about teens played by people in their late-30s. So let’s get down to who was there and what they wore.

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Carrie Fisher Would Like You To Shut Up About How She Looks In The New Star Wars

I haven’t seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens because I’m too busy working my way through my annual Catwalk marathon. But apparently one of the things fans are getting their banthas in a twist about is that (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Princess Leia no longer looks like the Princess Leia from 32 years ago. Maybe Princess Leia’s face looks different because Luke keeps using the last of her La Mer and replacing it with some cheap shit from the Galactic Empire’s version of CVS. Or maybe it’s because Carrie Fisher is 59-years-old and we should all lay the fuck off. If you ask Carrie Fisher, she’ll probably tell you it’s the second one.

Life legend and mother of legend-in-the-making Gary Fisher hopped on Twitter yesterday to swat at all the future Hell-dwellers (I’m pretty sure shitting on Carrie Fisher guarantees you a one-way ticket) who kept running their mouths about how old she looks and how she hasn’t aged well. RUDE! Really though, what were they expecting? A 30-years-old Princess Leia to show up with her face pulled tighter than BB-8’s ball?

Please stop debating about whetherOR not👁aged well.unfortunately it hurts all3 of my feelings.My BODY hasnt aged as well as I have.Blow us👌🏼

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 29, 2015

My body is my brain bag, it hauls me around to those places & in front of faces where theres something to say or see pic.twitter.com/T2TXiEyl17

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 29, 2015

Youth&BeautyR/NOT ACCOMPLISHMENTS,theyre theTEMPORARY happy/BiProducts/of Time&/or DNA/Dont Hold yourBreath4either/ifUmust holdAir/takeGarys

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 30, 2015

I’m not sure what “air” Carrie is talking about, but I’m going to assume she means Gary’s farts. With that being said, “Hold my dog’s farts” is totally my new “Go fuck yourself.”

Carrie recently admitted that she was pressured to replace her meals with water-flavored air in order to slim down before shooting Star Wars: The Force Awakens, so really, it sounds like no one wanted Carrie Fisher to look like Carrie Fisher. Apparently no one got the memo that not everyone in the Star Wars universe ages backwards like forever-sexy goddess Sy Snootles (although if we’re being honest, she totally had her lips done).

Pic: Splash

To Fap Or Not To Fap: Adam Driver And Oscar Isaac Having An Intimate Moment On The Red Carpet

Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.

Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.

But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.

I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.

Pics: Wenn.com

Princess Leia Felt The Pressure To Lose Some Chunk For The New “Star Wars” Movie

(Reason #6,789,989 for how I know I’m beyond hard-up: I stared at that Stormtrooper bulge for a long time.)

Carrie Fisher tells Good Housekeeping UK that before shooting started on the new Star Wars movie, the powers-that-be pressured her to skinny down, because they didn’t want to see a fat General Leia (formerly Princess Leia).

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As The Star Wars Super-Fans Lose Their Damn Minds…

I feel like I’m watching a real-life Star Wars fanfic re-imagining of the “Now I want you two to kiss” scene from Wild Things. Oh, Mark Hamill, you dirty dog.

San Diego Comic-Con, the most wonderful time of the year for nerdy types, is here. And last night, J. J. Abrams played Santa and made millions of geek dreams come true by packing the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel full of Star Wars people. The cast of the new movie! The cast of the old movie! A post-hospital Harrison Ford (who was apparently a little wobbly)! Carrie Fisher! But obviously the best part was when Princess Leia and Han Solo’s lips reunited with each other on stage. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as nasty as I would have liked (don’t tell me Leia and Han weren’t into some truly kinky shit), but I’ll take what I can get. If the idea of watching two legends who can still get it gently mouth humping on each other is your idea of a good time, it happens around the 5:33 mark below.

Besides Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford kissing on each other, a bunch of other Star Wars shit happened too. J. J. Abrams confirmed that Star Wars 7 was done filming and that they’re just editing it together now. They also brought an alien puppet thing from the new movie on stage.

That’s almost exactly what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s blood looks like under a high-powered microscope. Then after all the talking, they hauled the 6,000-person audience outside for a Star Wars concert. Sadly, it wasn’t performed by that hot bitch Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. I guess they had a more important gig, like playing for Naboo royalty or something.

Here’s more from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel last night, including Mark Hamill working the hell out of a sexy semi-sheer shirt.

Pics: Splash

Adam From Girls Is Going To Be In Star Wars: Episode VII

In case you didn’t recognize him since he has a shirt on and doesn’t have Lena Dunham’s stuffed pancake tits pressed against his chest, he’s the one in black high waters in the back.

After weeks upon weeks of every name from Zac Efron to Lupita Nyong’o being tossed around as a possible cast member of Star Wars 7, the main cast was finally announced and a picture of the read-through was posted on StarWars.com. Some of the original hos like Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, C-3PO, Chewbacca and R2D2 are coming back and they’re joined by Adam from Girls, Oscar Isaac from Inside Llewyn Davis, John Boyega from Attack the Block, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, MAX VON FUCKING SYDOW and Daisy Ridley.

Their character names haven’t been released, but the rumors say that Adam from Girls is playing the villain, John Boyega is playing a Jedi apprentice and who knows who that Daisy girl is playing, but whatever role she is playing Lindsay Lohan will definitely claim that she was soooo clooose to getting it.

They start shooting in a couple of weeks and the planet will be drowning in nerd jizz when it comes out December 18, 2015.

Two things:

1. FOR WHERE ART THOU, BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?!!!!

2. Max Von Sydow better be playing his Flash Gordon character Ming the Merciless, because Star Whores is in dire need of eyebrows shaped like the profile of a business woman’s Easy Spirit pump.