Category: Calvin Harris
Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston’s Love Bloomed In Front Of This Swan Pastry
Before we get into the most romantic dinner of the century, I must say that swan pastry is much too fabulous to be eaten. It doesn’t belong in someone’s stomach. It belongs on the Las Vegas stage, because bitch is working that voluminous whipped cream boa like no other. No, that whipped cream isn’t its body, it’s its costume. I bet Taylor Swift ordered the server to get that swan pastry out of her sight because she was jealous of all the charisma and glamour it possessed. And yes, I was completely sober while writing that little bit about the Liberace pastry swan. Moving on…
Seeing Taylor Swift Kissing On Loki Filled Calvin Harris’ Heart With Sadness
Very early this morning in his basement studio, DJ Calvin Harris sadly sat in front of his computer and pulled a Taylor Swift by using his broken emotions to bust out a sad song of betrayal using sick (but yet melancholy) beats. The heart that lives inside of Calvin Harris’ muscled-up, waxed chest immediately broke into a thousand pieces after he saw those pictures of his girlfriend of 15 months (which is 97 years in TTT: Tay Tay Time) getting into a loved-up photo-op with Tom Hiddleston on the rocks in front of her beachfront Rhode Island mansion. A single tear of betrayal threw itself out of Calvin’s eye and slid down his cheek as he thought about how he used to be the one who starred in staged photo shoots for attention with Taylor. And yes, Calvin’s heartbreak EDM song will be called “You Broke My Heart On That Rock (On That Rock).” Katy Perry will do the vocals.
Goodbye, Tumblr, It Was Nice Knowing You….
Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.
Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!
At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvjKBHUbN8U
A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:
“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”
I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.
We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.
Demi Lovato And Wilmer Valderrama Are Over
The theme of 2016’s Celebrity Prom will continue to be “Available” until further notice. Devi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama announced the breakup of their six-year relationship in a co-signed post on both of their Instagram accounts yesterday.
Via US:
“This was an incredibly difficult decision for both of us, but we have realized more than anything that we are better as best friends. We will always be supportive of one another.”
Demi, 23, and Wilmer, 36, met when they were both shooting a Voto Latino PSA at Wilmer’s house in 2010. Demi told And Pop (via Bustle) that Wilmer won her over by complimenting her on using her Disney platform to do good things. These good things would include filming political action PSAs at his house to make it way more convenient for him to drill another barely legal House of Mouse starlet .
Celebrity feminist designator Demi is obviously continuing her subtle bedevilment of Taylor Swift with this maneuver. Just when we were drying our eyes from the tears shed over Swifty and DJ Matching Outfits reportedly breaking up, Demi tries eclipsing her ass with this! She might as well have addressed that post to “Dear Fake-Ass Taylor”!
You can check out the Instagram post below (as well as pics of Demi performing with Brad Paisley on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last month). I’m not sure why it’s under the category of “Poems.” That shit is without iambic pentameter. It doesn’t even rhyme.
Pics: Splash
Calvin Harris Dumped Taylor Swift Because They Were More Like Friends….
Having been dumped a few times for a few reasons, I will say that the reason that really makes my blood boil into a thick mixture of rage is when the dude says shit like, “I just realized that we’re probably better off as friends.” Because that’s a total cop-out way of saying that he likes talking about last week’s Real Housewives episode with me at brunch, but he’d rather bareback fuck a jagged-edged can of mushy peas than put his peen anywhere near me again. Well, apparently, Taylor Swift’s favorite Dream Phone guy Calvin Harris dropped her ass because he’s just not into her like that.
Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris’ Eternal Love Has Died After Only 15 Months
Why do I have a feeling that Taylor Swift’s record label is registering the album title “Last Night A DJ RUINED My Life” right now?
Here I was preparing my eye rolling muscles for maximum use, because I thought that Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris were going to get engaged any second and celebrate their engagement with photo-ops where she’d flash her engagement ring (a Sweet Secret with a real pink diamond in its body), but that’s not going to happen. Wonder Bread Barbie and Wonder Bread Ken have broken up after 15 long months.
People, UsWeekly, TMZ and everybody else all posted the break-up of Tayvin at the same time and I’m guessing they all got it from the same source (Hi, Tay Tay’s publicist!). But another source tells E! News that during homeroom, it was Calvin who passed Taylor a folded broken heart note and in it, it read, “We’re dun 🙁“.
“This all happened last week.
Taylor and Adam had no big blowout fight, but the romance just was not there anymore for them. Adam is the one that ended it. It was all done in a very mature fashion. Taylor is pretty upset but they are still in communication. Taylor was there for Adam with his accident and supportive.”
So Calvin dumped her ass after he was in that bad car accident? I guess it’s true what they say. Your life really does flash before your eyes when you’re in an accident. Obviously those cringe-inducing vacation pics with Taylor flashed before Calvin’s eyes and so he quit her. But I do have to throw a “ho, please” at the break-up being mature and non-dramatic. Taylor doesn’t do mature and drama-free, and since she thinks she’s all edgy and grunge now, we’re probably going to get her version of Alanis’ “You Oughtta Know.” But instead of singing “Would she go down on you in a theater?”, she’s going to sing, “Would she cut your sandwich into a heart shape?” Everybody brace themselves!
Pic:@taylorswift