Having been dumped a few times for a few reasons, I will say that the reason that really makes my blood boil into a thick mixture of rage is when the dude says shit like, “I just realized that we’re probably better off as friends.” Because that’s a total cop-out way of saying that he likes talking about last week’s Real Housewives episode with me at brunch, but he’d rather bareback fuck a jagged-edged can of mushy peas than put his peen anywhere near me again. Well, apparently, Taylor Swift’s favorite Dream Phone guy Calvin Harris dropped her ass because he’s just not into her like that.
After the world found out that Tay Tay and Calvin (drivers license name: Adam Richard Wiles) are no longer reenacting scenes from her favorite movie The Notebook in front of a massive audience (her cats and stuffed animal collection) in the theater she set up in her playroom, E! claimed that he dumped her last week. Today, E! spit up more details like how the Toys ‘R Us Giraffe’s douchey DJ cousin wasn’t as into it as Taylor was:
“Adam really liked Taylor, she was not the type of girl he ever dates and he liked that. He liked how innocent Taylor was and that she had a good caring heart. Taylor’s heart was more in it then he was. He started to lose interest over the past few months, but really tried to not just break up.
They were just not very compatible in different areas in their relationship. The touring and traveling didn’t help. It seemed like they were more friends than lovers. Taylor and Adam had very different group of friends.”
Just when I thought these two couldn’t get more Disney, some source says that Calvin looked at Taylor as though she was Snow White or some shit. Although, I do believe that she starts her morning by singing out sweetened musical notes to the birds she trained to put on her white cotton robe for her after she gets out of bed.
The source also says that Calvin’s dick never wandered into the poon of another and that they are definitely never ever getting back together. (Yes, I too hate myself for typing that last part.)
“There were no other women involved with Adam. He did not cheat on her at all. Just not a good match.
Taylor was really disappointed in Calvin and felt like he wasn’t there for her. The relationship wasn’t progressing the way she wanted it to. She felt like he wasn’t taking it seriously enough and wouldn’t come through for her when she needed him most. She felt down and like her needs weren’t being met. She doesn’t want to get back together.”
Translation: Calvin’s dick wants to ho it up, and as they snuggled up on her princess canopy daybed sipping homemade pumpkin spice lattes, Taylor openly browsed for heart-shaped diamond engagement rings on her phone hoping his ass would get the hint.
A different source tells People that Calvin didn’t really like that Taylor is more successful than him, and he wouldn’t go to award shows where she was nominated and he wasn’t. This also explains why he didn’t thank her when he won an iHeartRadio Award:
“[Harris] said on multiple occasions that he was intimidated by Taylor, which is why he would not attend any events where she was being honored, or any award shows unless he was nominated.”
Yeah, so remember when “sources” said that it wasn’t going to get dramatico? HA! That lasted about 3 seconds. This could get junior high school break-up messy and by that I mean Taylor will really show Calvin by deleting all traces of his face from her Instagram before doing a photo-op stroll with his ex Rita Ora. I’m sure Rita Ora will take a break from leaking stories about her fucking Justin Bieber to help a trick out.