Yup, The CW Completely CW-fied “Dynasty” 

May 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.

The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.

The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.

Everything you really need to know about the community theater Dynasty (which really puts the DIE in Dynasty) is being said in that promo picture above. That sad, homely, raggedy topknot is sitting on the head of Fallon Carrington. Falling Carrington is a member of one of the country’s richest families and that’s how she walks around? How dreadful. In the original Dynasty, not even the help would walk around with that sad topknot on their head.

Here’s the trailer, which really makes those MyNetworkTV soap operas (remember Fashion House?) look expensive and riveting. If you’re a Dynasty devotee like me, you won’t know whether to cry over the “acting,” the awful music that sounds like it came from a royalty-free site or the fact that all the chicks look like they shop at Bebe.

And here’s the first catfight between Fallon (who’s played by a hybrid of Lindsay Lohan and Susan Sarandon’s daughter) and her stepmother-to-be Cristal (who is played by a beautiful wooden post). It has the passion and rage of the drool that trickled out of the corner of my mouth after I fell asleep while watching it.

That’s just sad. Ladies, ladies, watch and learn from the masters!

It’s really not a true Dynasty catfight until it’s obvious that Joan Collins and Linda Evans were switched out for stunt doubles in bad wigs.

Pic: The CW

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