Cher Horowitz Has The Perfect Response To The Unholy News About A “Clueless” Remake

October 26, 2018 / Posted by:

When those tiny sunglasses from the caca-encrusted bowels of the 90s made a comeback, we didn’t storm the streets. We held back our heaves while letting the children have their ugly fashion fun. And when the hideously horrible dad sneakers from the 90s made our eyes dribble out drops of shit from the ugliness of it all, we didn’t protest. But now the 90s comeback foolery has gone too far. And this time, something horrible from the 90s isn’t back to haunt us. It’s the opposite. Something precious and perfect from the 90s is being brought back to be butchered and pissed on by Hollywood before our very eyes.

Deadline brings us the disturbing news that a Clueless remake (definitely two words that make Lucifer cackle into our faces while wearing something from Judy’s) is in the early stages of terrorizing us all. Tracy Oliver, who wrote the script for Girls Trip and is putting together the TV reboot of First Wives Club, is producing this unnecessary Clueless remake. Marquita Robinson, who writes for Glow, is taking on the impossible job of writing the script and trying to come close to matching the poetic perfection of the original. I’m guessing that this remake will completely suck the 90s out of Clueless and bring it into the now. To which I say:

Hold me and gently rock me while singing, “Rollin’ with the homies…“, to me, because I’m filled with the sads over what they’re going to do to my favorite character Ambular. Instead of Amber saying, “Eww, like I’d really wear something from Judy’s,” she’s going to say, “Bye Felicia, like I’d really wear something from Fashion Nova, I can’t even,” and instead of saying, “We’re going to Melrose,” she’s going to say, “We’re going to The Grove, sis.” And Amber’s signature “whatever” will be replaced with her making a C with her hand while saying, “canceled.” WHY!!!!

Did Hollywood not learn anything from the ultra shitty blasphemous TV version of Clueless (which I watched since Amber was in it)?! There’s also an Off-Broadway musical in the works starring Dove Cameron. Can’t Hollywood wait until those of us who were tweens and teens in 1995 are dead before doing this? And I bet that the ghosts of people who were teenagers in 1815 are like, “Now you know how we felt when we found out that they were doing a 90s reboot of our teen masterpiece Emma!”

Pics: Paramount Picture/Refinery 29

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