Telephone operators should expect to be flooded with thousands of calls from oldies who demand to be connected to Studio City 6-500, because they’ll want to take out their teeth and rage scream at CBS for butchering one of their childhood classics! CBS has really messed up with this one, because the oldies are their main demographic. They’re biting the Asperecreme-covered hand that feeds them.
The Hollywood Reporter says that executives at CBS grabbed a list of Classics That Haven’t Been Shredded To Bits Yet, looked at the titles and shrugged after saying, “The Honeymooners? Sure, why not!”
Pictured: Nicole Scherzinger making the same disgusted stank face that all of us made while reading the cast list for the Dirty Dancing remake that need not exist.
ABC decided to join the rest of Hollywood in taking a machete to your childhood and the classics when it gave the thumbs up to a completely unnecessary Dirty Dancing musical movie starring Little Miss Sunshine as Baby, this pillar of chiseled hotness as Johnny Castle, Debra Messing as Baby’s mom, Bruce Greenwood as Baby’s dad, Sarah Hyland as Baby’s sister, Billy Dee Williams as Tito Suarez, Casper Not-So-Smart as Billy, Katey Sagal as Vivian Pressman, Shane Harper as Robbie and low-rent Apollonia Nicole Scherzinger as Penny.
Penny, played by Cynthia Rhodes in the only Dirty Dancing movie we need, gets knocked up with that slut Robbie’s baby and gets an abortion. Nicole tells The Daily Mail that she’s catholic and that her family is firmly against abortion. So she almost didn’t take the part, because she didn’t want to “promote” abortion. Oh yes, that movie where a woman almost dies after getting a back alley abortion is the pro-abortion propaganda film of our time!
There are many things from the 80s that I think should rebooted and brought back like Jell-O 1-2-3, Stacey Q’s career and The Charmings. But there are even more things from the 80s that I think should not be rebooted and should be left alone, and Little Shop of Horrors is at the top of that list. But since Hollywood is pretty much just a giant Audrey II who gets more powerful by eating and killing what you love most, they’re planning to remake Little Shop of Horrors.
Here’s my short response to this news: NOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOO!
There should be an American law stating that Dynasty is an important historical artifact and is not allowed to be fucked with in any way. But since the world is a shit place, that is not a law that exists, so The CW is planning to take Dynasty, stomp on it until its dust and then shit on it. I would sell my family if TNT gave Dynasty the Dallas treatment by doing a sequel starring some of the originals, but The CW is doing a complete re-telling. Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage, who are responsible for Gossip Girl, are behind this travesty. 2016 has really gone and done it this time.
Seven long years ago, Universal shot at our childhoods as though our childhood was a Singing Telegram Girl in the dark when they announced that they had hired director Gore Verbinski to take flawless cinematic flop Clue: The Movie to the ballroom and kill it with a candlestick. Less-dramatic translation: Universal hired Gore to direct a remake of Clue. Clearly the petition (signed by me and only me) I sent to Universal begging them not to commit a highly illegal act worked, because they dropped their plans in 2011. But those goddamn Grim Reapers of Hollywood are back to try to fuck with Clue once again.
All together now (to the tune of the “flyyyyy” part of Wind Beneath My Wings): ♫ Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyyyyyyyyy ♫
Garry Marshall’s body has barely gone cold and those butchers at Lifetime have already made plans to pull out one of his classics and hack it to bits. Deadline reports that Lifetime has given the thumbs up to a remake of 1988’s Beaches starring Idina Menzel. Even though Idina’s look is more “Hillary” than “CC,” Lifetime has cast her as C.C. Bloom, the role that Bette Midler played to perfection in the original. Lifetime’s version will include the songs “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “The Glory of Love,” as well as new and original songs. Lifetime’s Bitches (on purpose typo and it stays) will terrorize our TV screens next year. Here’s a few more details from Deadline:
Allison Anders (Ring of Fire) will direct the Lifetime remake from a script by Bart Baker (Honeymoon with Harry) and Nikole Beckwith (Stockholm, Pennsylvania). Di Novi and Greenspan executive produce for A+E Studios. Production is set to begin on August 15.
Whenever I scream, “ILLEGAL,” over Hollywood slaughtering another classic from our childhoods, some trick will e-mail me to say that remakes happen, get over it and blah blah blah… I know, the audacity of someone accusing me of being melodramatic! But the thing is, it sounds like Lifetime isn’t even doing anything new with Beaches. It seems like they’re just bringing it into “modern day” and since Lifetime is doing it, it’ll be low-budget as hell and the beach scenes will be shot in the sandbox of a park in the Valley somewhere.
If they insist on remaking Beaches, they should do something new. Do an all-animal version starring Bandito and Luigi! Or a gay version! One way to get Richard Simmons to twirl out of retirement is to offer him the role of C.C. Bloom in an all-gay remake of Beaches.
Here’s the basic cable CC Bloom yodeling at a gala in NYC last month: