And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?”
Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:
“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”
In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!
I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.“