Lindsay Lohan’s Speed-The-Plow Reviews Weren’t Awful

October 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Welp, now that camera has to be quarantined.

Seen above blowing a freckled air kiss at the camera (because she NEVER does that pose), Lindsay Lohan proved last night that the world is a weird, fucked-up place and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it throws you a drunken, raggedy, haggard curveball at you. LiLo actually made it to the opening night of Speed-The-Plow in London last night and she ALLEGEDLY performed in every performance. I say “allegedly,” because the stage manager could’ve put a dusty, 50-year-old taxidermy ginger Chinese Crested dog on stage in LiLo’s place after she didn’t show up and nobody would’ve known the difference.

The first preview of Speed-ThePlow was a train wreck for some and LiLo, a master at doing lines, didn’t know a lot of her lines. Speed-The-Plow’s opening night happened last night and critics who reviewed the show say that LiLo only missed a couple of lines. It says a lot when LiLo, whose job is to memorize her goddamn lines, has to be fed lines on opening night and everyone goes, “Aw, she only missed two lines. Gold star!”

Most of the reviews I scanned through last night and this morning called the production a pile of meh, but said that LiLo was the least stinkiest fume wafting off of that pile of meh. Some critics said she was the best part of the production. Here’s a few of LiLo’s reviews (I didn’t know that White Oprah works as a theater critic for The Guardian!):

The Guardian – So how was she? The first thing to say is that Lindsay Lohan gives a perfectly creditable performance in this revival of David Mamet’s acerbic, anti-Hollywood satire. Whatever her colourful past, Lohan brings on stage a quality of breathless naivety that is far and away the most interesting thing in Lindsay Posner’s otherwise tame, under-powered revival.

The London Evening Standard: Far from being the train wreck that’s been gleefully predicted, Lindsay Lohan’s theatre debut is competent — without being exciting. She has the smallest of the three roles in this revival of David Mamet’s Hollywood satire, and while there’s nothing here to suggest a stellar future on the stage, the sceptics who’ve been dying to see Lohan fall on her face will be disappointed.

The Telegraph: On Thursday night, Lindsay Lohan, that notably notorious American actress and the most gossiped-about celebrity invitee to London’s theatreland in ages, made her stage debut with a surprising – and smouldering – degree of style. True, she fluffed a line and needed an off-stage prompt – but given the pressure to prove herself, that’s just-about pardonable.

The Hollywood Reporter: Although she seemed sometimes to be rushing the lines and failed to make the material sing, overall she demonstrated presence. However, none of that changes the fact that this is a tepid, underwhelming production in which Lohan is just one of several mediocre elements.

Well, this is a PLOT TWIST I didn’t see coming. I thought LiLo would be the first trick to drop out after she suddenly contracted “walking pneumonia” again and was told by her “doctors” that the only cure is to cleanse her charred lungs with Spanish air by partying in Ibiza. But I’m guessing that her cast mates, Richard Schiff and Nigel Lindsay, are going to drop out when they announce that they’re retiring from acting and moving to a remote part of The Netherlands to raise goats or some shit. Because when any critic says that Lindsay Lohan is the best part of a play you’re in….

Here’s LiLo wearing a disco tampon cozy at Speed-The-Plow’s opening night party.


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