Category: Billy Ray Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyrus Would’ve Twerked And Rubbed His Ass Against Robin Thicke’s Crotch Too
On Sunday night, Billy Ray Cyrus holed himself up in his basement and stared at a wall of TVs thatplayed Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance on a loop. Every few hours, he’d call up his housekeeper and tell her to bring him possum jerky, pig lard, moonshine and moist towelletes. Billy Ray finally crawled out of his basement and called Miley to tell her what he thought about her Chipmunks Gone Wild performance. Of course, Billy Ray is proud that Miley twerked out wet strands of elegance all over the family name. Miley tweeted her pappy’s response today. Prepare the brain bleach!
“Mile, if twerkin woulda been invented…. And I had a foam finger…. I woulda done the same thang you did.” – DAD
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) August 28, 2013
First of all, doesn’t Billy Ray know that Miley is the one who invented twerkin? Twerkin’ didn’t exist before Miley invented it, obviously. When Miley was just one of Billy Ray’s jizz fish, she twerked her way into Tish Cyrus’ ovary egg and that’s how twerkin’ was born. Second of all, I bet he got his top lip wet with his tongue when he said “foam finger” and I don’t like it. Third of all, Billy Ray should put out a song called Achy Breaky Twerk (which is the perfect way to describe Miley’s twerk) and collaborate with Robin Thicke, because I really want to see him have dry butt sex with Alan Thicke’s son while giving head to a foam finger.
Miley Cyrus’ Lizard Tongue Can’t Be, Won’t Be, Will Never Be Tamed
Here’s Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards looking like a tweaked out chipmunk who’s been possessed by a dark-sided evil demon. If Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks starred as Regan in a remake of The Exorcist, this is what the poster would look like. Give me some holy water, a rosary and a prayer to chant. That tongue looks like a wet thumb trying to escape out of her mouth. Miley needs to sedate that tongue and put it on a leash. When Miley’s tongue comes wiggling out of her mouth, it looks like she’s doing an impersonation of John Travolta when he sees a man hole. I’m sorry to take you there, but blame Miley and her wandering leech tongue.
And why is she so greasy and sweaty? Bitch is too rich to be that greasy. My abuelita wants to grab Miley’s face and squeeze all the grease onto a frying pan so she can make us all some plátanos con crema. Miley’s got an entire jar of under-the-sink kitchen grease on her face. There’s no need for that when Bounty paper towels exist.
And Miley made it a sort-of family affair yesterday by sitting with Billy Ray and Noah.
They look like they’re at a 90s costume party. Miley went as a white Adina Howard, Billy Ray went as a Hootie & the Blowfish roadie and Noah went as an extra in an after-school special about teen runaways.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty Images
Billy Ray Cyrus Is Sharing His Taco Party Pack With Tish Cyrus Again
I guess Billy Ray Cyrus realized that he can’t live without seeing Tish Cyrus’ squished Furby face every morning, because these two messes are back together again. Billy and Tish have filed for divorce almost as many times as Miley Cyrus has made Jesus cry by trying to twerk. Miley even called Billy Ray out on Twitter and made it sound like he passed his Armour Vienna Sausage (side question: What does a pubic mullet look like?) to another trick. But all is forgotten, because Billy Ray and Tish have reunited and are toasting to their love with a SOLO wine glass full of strawberry-flavored moonshine in front of a romantic toilet fire pit in their backyard. Billy Ray and Tish announced to People that they have called off their divorce:
“We both woke up and realized we love each other and decided we want to stay together. We both went into couples therapy something we haven’t done in 22 years of being together, and it’s brought us closer together and really opened up our communication in amazing ways. Tish also said marriage can be really hard especially after 22 years of being in entertainment. We’ve had rough times but we both realized we didn’t want to be another statistic and wanted to make it work.”
It always makes me hopeful for the future of marriage when I read about a husband and a wife who are staying together for the sake of their checking accounts. They obviously decided that instead of spending months and months in a lawyer’s conference room, fighting over who gets custody of Miley’s money, they act like adults, bond over their mutual love of not working and stay together. Now they can continue to take Miley’s money as one. Michael Lohan and White Oprah could really learn a thing or two from these child-pimping wrecks.
And here’s Miley pretty much flashing her shaved possum while hanging out with Pixie Geldof in London.
Miley Cyrus Tweets And Deletes A Twitter Ultimatum To Billy Ray Cyrus
Typing the phrase “Twitter ultimatum” just made me barf through the pores on my fingers.
Last night, Miley Cyrus made Billy Ray Cyrus shake right out of his raccoon mullet when she threatened to EXPOSE him on Twitter. I love it when a bitch threatens to EXPOSE another bitch in an hour or less, but it’s not as dramatic when it’s done in all lower caps…. on Twitter. Anyway, Miley tweeted the threat along with a picture of her next to a woman who at first I thought was a ginger Heidi Montag with her original face on. A quick minute after Miley threw that threat up on Twitter, she deleted it and then tweeted out this bullshit: “Wtf? My twitter was just actin all types of cray!”
Don’t you just hate it when your Twitter acts all types of cray by magically writing a tweet you wrote and magically uploading a picture that you uploaded and magically tweeting a tweet after you hit the tweet button? I hate it when my Twitter acts cray like that. Since Miley is a celebwhore, she could blame her tweet regret on one of three things: 1. her Twitter was acting cray, 2. she was hacked or 3. she was suffering from severe exhaustion and didn’t know what she was tweeting. I’m sure that Miley will announce that her Twitter is checking into a rehab tweetment center to be treated for the cray-ness it suffers from.
But more importantly, WHAT DOES MILEY’S FIRST TWEET MEAN?
Billy Ray Cyrus filed for divorce from Tish Cyrus three years ago, but then he pressed paused on the divorce because he was trying to work things out with her. Things didn’t work out because Tish filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. But then, Tish and Billy Ray were papped on Sunday leaving a restaurant arm-in-arm, which isn’t surprising since not much can break the love between a sad-eyed anime horse and a humanized roadkill possum.
But now they’re love might really be broken thanks to his wandering dick. An ONTD commenter says that the woman next to Miley in that picture is Broadway actress, singer and dancer Dylis Croman. Dylis played Mona and covered the role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago when Billy Ray was in it last year. So that picture is Miley’s subtle way of saying that Billy Ray passed his hillbilly peen to Dylis while he was with Tish. I was going to ask for more proof, but then I looked closer at that picture. That’s not fake fur on Dylis’ jacket. Those are Billy Ray’s highlighted pubes! Poor Tish (not really). Her sad anime horse eyes just got sadder.
Pics: ONTD, Getty Images
What Did Billy Ray Cyrus Say When Liam Hemsworth Asked For His Daughter’s Hand In Marriage?
Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t write about Miley Cyrus’ relationship with Liam Hemsworth in his new book Hillybilly Heart (that really is the name), because why give precious page space in his straight-to-the-clearance-shelf-at-Piggly-Wiggly memories to something that is going to end any second now? But Billy did tells Access Hollywood Live (via DS) about how Liam came to him and asked for his meal ticket’s hand in marriage. Usually when an outsider asks for a hillbilly’s daughter’s hand, that hillbilly father will only allow it if it the outsider wins a naked wrestling match in a mud pit against a hog after downing two XXX jugs. Billy let Liam skip that challenge, but he did ask for something else.
“He didn’t have to, but he did. He’s got a really sweet side to him and he came in. They had the big rock. They [were] all bashful about it and then said, ‘Hey, look at this’. And Miley was showing that ring and Liam kind of [said] a little something to me – it was kind of the professional question and I jokingly [said], ‘Can I be in your brother’s next movie?’ And then I said, ‘No, I’m joking’.”
Billy Ray wasn’t joking…… and that is why his mullet is going to play Mongoose in the next Thor movie.
Here’s Billy Ray working the hell out of his Mrs. Brady season 2 hairstyle while leaving GMA yesterday.
ESCANDALO (Not Really): Liam Hemsworth Caught Getting Close To A Blonde Who Wasn’t Miley
Billy Ray Cyrus is about to throw all of his fresh-out-of-prison cousins, sewed-off rifles, coonhounds and knives made out of possum claws into the back of his pick-up truck and drive it all the way Atlanta so he can handle Liam Hemsworth for hurting his daughter’s hillbilly heart. Because Radar says that at a party in Hollywood last week, Liam was “canoodling” and whispering into the ear of some hot blonde. Miley Cyrus wasn’t around.
The witness says that Liam showed up to the party early and spent most of the night talking to the hot blonde in the back of the tent. Maybe Liam just wanted to remind himself what it’s like to talk to a chick who doesn’t sound like Harvey Fierstein hawking a loogie. The witness type said this:
“Liam was in the corner of the back tent with a blonde and they were getting very cozy. It definitely looked like they were behaving in a way that was more than just friendly. His friend/handler was trying to keep people away and allow Liam and his ‘friend’ some privacy, but Liam didn’t seem to be that worried about it.”
Wait, wait… A hot blonde who makes grown men giggle themselves into a coma? That wasn’t Liam’s lady side piece. That was his brother THOR!
That dumb bitch of an eyewitness! I bet the eyewitness also said that when the hot blonde flipped her mane, every light bulb burst and she sort of smelt like Strawberry Suave shampoo. Yeah, it was THOR, not some average slut. Pull your cousins out of the pick-up, Billy Ray. It was a false cheater alarm.