The Cyruses Are One Big Screwed Up Family Again!

Love is burning on the shopping cart grill in Billy Ray Cyrus’ heart again, because his family is back to gnawing on charred possum legs in the backyard together! Just last month, Billy Ray’s marriage to Tish was on its way to the barn to be put down and Miley Cyrus ignored his howls for attention, but everything is fixed now! Tish is chewing on the ends of Billy Ray’s mullet when they spoon in the back of a pickup truck and he couldn’t be happier. In a sit down with The View airing tomorrow, Billy Ray tells the hens that the divorce is off and Miley is talking to his ass again. From People:

“I’ve dropped the divorce. I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they’ve ever been. I feel like I got my Miley back. I feel like we’re the daddy and daughter we were before Hannah Montana.

Hannah Montana didn’t ruin my family. Fame did. Sometimes when you get in this ride, you feel like you’re strapped to a rocket.”

I bet it was really difficult for Billy Ray to say those words with the CHA-CHING sound booming in his head after every sentence. “I feel like I got my Miley back!” Cut to Miley’s business manager stuffing a cashiers check into the coffee tin bank account under Billy Ray’s floor board. “Hannah Montana didn’t ruin my family!” Cut to Mickey Mouse dropping a wad of hundreds in Billy Ray’s fanny pack.

I don’t blame Billy Ray. He can buy a lot of taco party packs with that money.

How Many Whos Are There In The New Dancing With The Has-Beens Cast?

HAIL XENU! After turning down almost every season of Dancing with the (Pause) Stars (Question Mark), Kirstie Alley has finally realized that a fourth Look Who’s Talking? is never going to happen and is now going to waddle for that mirror ball trophy! We can make jokes about how Kirstie’s partner has already signed a disability waver and how he’s going to keep her chins up during the waltz by dangling a deep fried butter nugget over her head, but she looked as light as John Travolta’s heatproof sauna wig during the announcement ceremony last night. Yes, they actually had a fucking announcement ceremony for this WHO CARES mess. But anyihopekirstiesdressesareallmadeofcondiments…

Whenever the newest batch of dancing relevant seekers is announced, I always judge how big and bold the Has-Beens in the title should be by how many question marks form above my head while looking at a cast photo. You can play too! Here’s the 11 people who will be called “a seductive panther stalking its prey in the middle of a dance floor jungle” by Bruno at least once during the season. Warm up your question mark making machine!

Kirstie Alley (paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) – Twitter’s first lady of crazy and the reason why Krispy kremes

Kendra (paired with Louie van Amstel) – Hef’s former catheter changer and the owner of the most annoying laugh on the planet (even worse than Natalie P’s)

Sugar Ray Leonard (paired with Anna Trebunskaya) – Tommy Davidson’s alter ego, world champion fighter and the new object of Kirstie’s affection (dude does have “Sugar” in his name)

Wendy Williams (paired with Tony Dovolani) – self-proclaimed queen of all media and talking wig

Chelsea Kane (paired with Mark Ballas) – some Disney ho

Ralph Macchio (paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice) – the ONLY Karate Kid

Chris Jericho (paired with Mop Head) – WWE champion wrestler

Petra Nemcova (paired with Dmitry Chaplin) – tsunami survivor and model

Psycho Mike Catherwood (partner unknown) – cohost of Love Line

Hines Ward (paired with Kym Johnson) – the wide receiver for the Steelers and the second object of Kirstie’s affection (dude is a “Duncan” away from being Duncan Hines)

Lil’ Romeo (paired with Chelsie Hightower) – rapper and the spawn of Master P

My brain is the Wikipedia of D-listers and never wases, but I still threw a “Harpo, who dis woman?” at three names: Psycho Mike, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane. So I give this cast 3 Que Cats:

Not bad! And of course, I’m rooting for Kirstie, because I can’t wait to see her double down ass in Maksim’s face.

Billy Ray Cyrus Hates Hannah Montana

Billy Ray Cyrus wishes Mickey Mouse never butt birthed Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus knows that his parenting report card has a giant F in red on it. Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t put out his hands and collect an allowance check from Miley Cyrus every Friday afternoon. Billy Ray Cyrus feels a spiritual connection to the late Kurt Cobain and says that he was the only one who showed some support while the rest of the music industry laughed at that Achy Breaky Heart crap. Billy Ray Cyrus has a bomb shelter in his backyard. Billy Ray Cyrus could see the Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith tragedies coming a mile away and tried to contact both of them to help. Billy Ray Cyrus is dilapidated feed bag full of crazy. That’s just some of the shit that’s covered in GQ’s 6-page interview with Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, I read the whole thing. Yes, it made me wish I was listening to Achy Break Heart at full volume instead.

GQ’s piece portrays Billy Ray as a lonely and sad-like hillbilly who sits on the front porch of his Tennessee mansion petting at his pet possums head while deep thinking about how fame and fortune was the rusty nail shoved deep into the heart of his family. Billy Ray regrets ever letting his truck stop toddler daughter Miley do Hannah Montana (“DON’T WE ALL?!” – humanity).

Here’s the Cliffs Notes version of the forever long southern WOE IS ME howl that Billy let out to GQ. This is like some “hillbilly Grey Gardens” shit:

On Miley’s name: “My intuition has told me that that little girl, her name should be Destiny Hope Cyrus, because I feel like it’s her destiny to bring hope to the world.'”

On how he’s not on Miley’s payroll: “For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I’ve never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I’m proud to say to this day I’ve never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter.”

On how “he’ll take it” for Miley: “Every time something happened in Miley’s career, every time the train went off the track, if you will—Vanity Fair,2 pole-dancing,3 whatever scandal it was—her people, or as they say in today’s news, her handlers, every time they’d put me… ‘Somebody’s shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!’ Well, I took it, because I’m her daddy, and that’s what daddies do. ‘Okay, nail me to the cross, I’ll take it….’ All those people around, they used me every time. It became so obvious that, man, no matter what happens, they’re going to put you up there and let you take the bullet.”

On why he didn’t go to her 18th barfday party: “You know why I didn’t go? Because they were having it in a bar. It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up. Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, ‘Daddy endorsed this stuff….’ I started realizing I’m being used. If I would have went out there I would have been right in the middle of all this stuff that’s going on right now with the bong. They’d be hanging it on my ass. I had the common sense… I said, ‘This whole thing’s falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.’ I’m staying out of it.”

On how Miley’s handlers told him to stay out of the bong video mini-scandal: “I didn’t know what the footage was. They told me, ‘it was none of my business.’ I’m dealing with somebody that had only known my daughter for possibly four years, and I’m her daddy. I was pretty damn insulted. And I took that as the ultimate alarm. ‘It’s none of your business’! None of my business that you’re out running around L.A. trying to buy kids’ computers and phones because there’s something about my daughter…?”

On how he now believes his parenting skills suck: “The business was driving a wedge between us. How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, ‘Enough is enough—it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have, but I didn’t. Honestly, I didn’t know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere.”

On how he thinks Miley is starting to sashay down the “Lindsay Lohan” part of the ho stroll: “I’m scared for her. She’s got a lot of people around her that’s putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she’s 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I’d like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute.

On why his entire family got baptized when they moved to Hollywood: “It was Tish’s idea. She said, ‘We’re going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we’re all going to be baptized…’ And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…’ It’s the way it is. There has always been a battle between good and evil. Always will be. You think, ‘This is a chance to make family entertainment, bring families together…’ and look what it’s turned into.”

On Hannah Montana: “Oh, it’s huge—it destroyed my family. I’ll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, ‘Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.’ It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all’d it all right. I some-gave-all’d it while everybody else was going to the bank. It’s all sad.”

On if he regrets Hannah Montana: “I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I’d take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I’d erase it all in a second if I could.”

Maybe I’m as naive as the pet possum who doesn’t think Billy Ray is going to cut its froat and throw it on the barbecue for Tuesday night dinner, but I believe he knows and regrets turning his daughter out for fame and cash. Now if he’ll only publicly voice his regrets for that dusty fucking mullet on his head.

And that being said, I’m still slightly more interested in what’s in that Taco Party Pack on the counter.

Billy Ray Cyrus Is Sads

Billy Ray Cyrus let out a Twitter sigh today after finding out that his little trailer park weed flower has been bonging now that she’s of legal age. Billy Ray’s mullet is all kinds of wilty and he’s got an achy break heart AGAIN! But for real, Billy Ray is just sad because he wasn’t there to light the bong for her.

Are You Kidding Me With This Shit?

No, Kendra is not declaring on the cover of OK! Magazine that she had a miscarriage. Kendra is also not admitting to OK! Magazine that she misplaced her baby while changing his diaper and talking on the phone at the same time (Note to Kendra: Multitasking is for professionals). When you turn the cover of OK! Magazine, the first two pages read in giant letters: SYKE!!!!! The “tragic news” is that Kendra has sent her baby Hank to live with her husband in Minnesota for a while and now she’s lonely in her great big California mansion.

Fucking with your emotions: OK! knows how to do it.

Is really that slow of a gossip week that Kendra and OK! had to try to resuscitate your blackened heart with this sob story that isn’t even a sob story. I mean, this is the opposite of tragic. Baby Hank is no longer exposed to his mother’s “Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked by the Energizer Bunny” laugh. That is HAPPY NEWS! Wasn’t there something else OK! could’ve put on their cover instead? Like the woman busting her ass on local TV? That’s newsworthy! Or that Yoko Ono might secretly be a World of Warcraft Monster? That’s newsworthy too! Eh, I guess it could’ve been worse. They could’ve put a Kardashian on the cover.

Billy Ray And His Mullet Are Back On The Prowl At The CMAs

As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger’s bus hoping she’ll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that’ll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.

And you can almost smell the matin’ odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He’s ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray’s main mullet fluffer.

Here’s a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley, Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.