Why So Glum?

While sashaying through the red carpet at tonight’s National Movie Awards in London, Tommy Girl was suddenly hit with the little boy sads because he wanted to be the one wearing the stilettos instead of Stepford Katie. And it didn’t stroke his mood in a good way that his face was even closer to her areolas. AND the stripes kept directing his eyes towards her Scientolocooch. It so was not Tommy’s night. But maybe he perked up later in the men’s room when he didn’t have to stand on his tippity tippy toes to get a peek at DanRad’s peen when they were pissing next to each other.

Anyways, here’s more of Tommy and Katie along with Fishsticks Paltrow (who is getting shown up by her fan), Orlando Bloom, the Harry Potter kids, and Kylie Minogue.

DanRad Wants Cristiano Ronaldo’s Body

Since thousands of penis aficionados lined up to see DanRad’s crotch wand in (Guilty!!!), the producers of the upcoming Broadway revival of EquusHow To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying are going for the same approach. Apparently, they want DanRad to bare his nipples in a couple of scenes and it’s got him reaching for the ab roller.

A source tells The Sun, “Daniel wants to completely re-sculpt his body and has taken Ronaldo as his inspiration. He envies his muscle definition and is hoping to get a similar six-pack for himself. Daniel is taking his fitness regime really seriously. He’s stopped drinking, knocked the fags on the head and is watching every mouthful. He put on a little timber last year and is keen to get down to a more svelte shape. He’s already lost nearly a stone in the past month.”

“Knocked the fags on the head” is today’s phrase that pays. That sounds like a naked version of Duck Duck Goose Kevin Spacey plays on a Sunday afternoon.

Anyways, DanRad does know the secret to Cristiano’s abs, right? Cristiano isn’t doing crunches in between slathering his body with duck sauce from Panda Express. No. Every day, Cristiano sits in front of his bathroom mirror and plucks each brow hair out with a pair of hot tweezers. The pain causes him to squeeze his ass cheeks and abs at the same time. Voila! So if DanRad wants a six-pack like Cristiano, he’s going to have to sacrifice his furry caterpillar friends.

Merry Christmas, Balloon Boy’s Parents Are Going To Jail!

The dumbass duo known as Richard and Mayumi Heene were both sentenced to the clink today for wasting everyone’s fucking time with that Balloon Boy charade!

The judge dropped his gavel and declared that Richard Heene must spend 30 days behind bars starting January 11, 2010. After that, he’ll serve an additional 60 days under “work release.” That means he’ll work at his normal job during the day, and spend the night all comfy-like in the hairy arms of his cellmate Pookie. Richard will also be placed on 4 years probation and he will have to complete 100 hours of community service.

As for Mayumi, the judge gifted her with 20 days in jail. Just like her husband, Mayumi also got 4 years probation and must complete 120 hours of community service.

Richard and Mayumi both have to write a letter of apology and they can’t profit from the Balloon Boy fuckery for at least 4 years.

The judge didn’t say anything about Richard and Mayumi having to pay the city back the $46,000 that was wasted on looking for Balloon Boy.

And now we can all gather up the memories we wasted on these assholes, put it in a Jiffy Pop Balloon and release it into the sky. That’s the last of them! Actually, they will probably come back into our lives in 4 years when they remake the Balloon Boy hoax. Everything gets remade. Even this.

Harry Pothead And The Bong Of Smoke

In the Daily Mirror today, they have an item about how friend to all Daniel Radcliffe got oral with a delicious paper penis filled with the good shit. And he swallowed. THIS IS NEWS.

While at a party in London, DanRad took several deep drags from a joint, which caused him to break out into a fit off non-stop giggles. DanRad was so deep in a green fog that he let some girl draw a stache on his face. A girl who witnessed DanRad’s acts of stonery said this, “Daniel was laughing and seemed to find it funny. But he didn’t really look like he knew what was going on. I was surprised by his behavior. He is a kids’ favorite. I’m not sure what his fans will make of it. Daniel looked spaced out and away with the fairies. He didn’t want us to recognize him. When I said he looked like that actor in Lord of the Rings [Elijah Wood], he got a bit funny and said, ‘No, that’s not me’. He looked pretty uncomfortable.”

Before leaving, DanRad turned to the other partygoers and proclaimed, “I LOVE WEEEEEED!”

Laughing until you’ve got cotton mouth? Humping on gay ass fairies? Letting someone jizz on you with a Sharpie? Declaring your heart is full now that you’ve found your soulmate (weed)? Yup, that pretty much sums up my first time too. It sounds like Harry Potter got his weed cherry popped.

Balloon Boy’s Mom Comes Clean

Last weekend, Sheriff Obvious McDuh got on his little stage and tap-danced while singing about how the Balloon Boy incident was just a big hoax. Well, what the sheriff didn’t tell us was that Balloon Boy’s mom let the air out just two days after we all wasted our time watching that stupid ass balloon in the sky.

According to CNN, Mayumi Heene barfed the truth out to investigators and said they had planned the whole thing for two weeks. Mayumi confessed that they did it so that the media could slobber all over them and they could get their own reality show. The sad thing is that it kind of worked. This is why the media should be run by cats. Cats would have never cared enough to fall for this shit.

While half of Colorado was searching for Falcon Heene, Mayumi said they knew that he was hiding in the attic all along. Mayumi and her husband Richard told the kids to lie to the police and to the media to keep the charade going. The Gosselins needs to send Richard and Mayumi a bundle of balloons as a thank you gift for making them look like the greatest parents who ever parented.

Sheriff Obvious already said that the Heenes would most likely be charged with conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and attempting to influence a public servant. Child Protective Services is also investigating the fuckery.

Richard Heene continues to deny that it was a hoax. The funny thing is that Richard and Mayumi have different lawyers. It sounds like Mayumi is ready to sell her husband out so that she doesn’t have to simmer in a jail cell. Mayumi should at least give her husband a farewell care package of Prep H and a sewing kit. Richard’s precious haircut is going to make him mighty popular in the clink.

And not only should cats run the media, but they should also raise Balloon Boy and his brothers.

Balloon Boy’s Neighbors Are Not Happy

Don’t ask me why, but The Trials and Tribulations of Balloon Boy is still taking up precious media space. Because of this, the media has not left Balloon Boy’s neighborhood which has given some of his neighbors a case of the angries. Take this dude for instance. Dude has had it with the media getting in his life and decided to do something about it on Sunday evening.

It ended with him throwing punches after he got tackled from behind (not in a sexy way). Somebody needs to send a carrier pigeon to these two with a message that says they are directing their anger at the wrong person. If you need to slap a bitch, slap Richard Heene. The line forms to the right.

And I can’t say that I blame the bald dude. It’s not easy to get your dealer to make a house call when you’ve got a zillion camera crews on your front lawn. I’d punch a trick too.

VIA FreddYo