Behold: A Beautiful Moment Between Miley Cyrus And Her Brother Trace

The uncensored artwork for Miley Cyrus’s “Adore You” remix has been accidentally “leaked” to the internet (aka Miley emailed the picture to a possum, who then posted it to ChickenFriedChichis.com) and it’s actually pretty tame by current Miley standards. By this point, I’d expect a picture of a three-way between Miley, an Ajax-snorting gopher, and a bag of medical waste, or just a close-up shot of Miley’s asshole. But this? This is practically a Christmas card. Sure, she’s holding a blunt (it looks more like J. Jonah Jameson’s cigar) and one of her trailer park titties is hanging out. But the rest of her looks clean, and that’s blowing my damn mind, because Miley usually looks like the poster child for Cap’n Filthy’s Industrial-Strength Skank-B-Gone.

Take, for instance, the video she uploaded to Instagram earlier today of her pretending to get into a fight with the Hot Topic garbage goblin, Avril Lavigne over which one of them is the most famous person in Canada (You’re both wrong, ya dumb whores: the most famous person in Canada is that Liza-looking slut Ananas from Téléfrancais). I don’t know what they were going for in that video, but if it was “dry turd pulled from the rectum of sketch comedy”, then they nailed it. Even though Miley is dressed like a post-bathtime toddler – something that should conjure up thoughts of baby powder, Mr. Bubbles, and the Snuggle Bear – she’s completely unable to not look like the human representation of the violent skin rash you get if you come in contact with a pet store lizard.

So it’s definitely either a miracle or black hillbilly magic that Miley was able to look halfway fresh for the Adore You artwork. Maybe it’s the wig? Or maybe there’s a tool in Photoshop designed to clean-up skanky-looking hillbilly rodents? Yeah, it’s the wig. Anyways, you can judge for yourself; the NSFW picture is after the break. Continue reading

What In Punk Rock Tablecloth Hell Are You Wearing?

Both of those tight-lipped frowns in the background pretty much say it all.

Avril Lavigne appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America this morning to perform the single ‘Let Me Go‘ off her upcoming album, and she chose to wear a dress that looks like a Chicos store had a drunken one-night-stand with Spencer’s Gifts. What in sk8r boi/Stepford Wife hell is this outfit? It’s like she told her assistant: “I want a dress that says ‘stay at home wifey’ but also ‘stickers on a 14-year-old boy’s skateboard’. Something I could wear with high heels, but also with unlaced skull-print Dr. Marten boots.”

Basically, she was going for Betty Draper if Betty Draper was still listening to Sum41, shoplifting lip gloss from CVS, and flipping-off mall cops.

On the bright side, Hot Topic just looked at this picture and said “Phew! We haven’t heard from her in a while, but it looks like Avril Lavigne is still dressing like an angst middle schooler. Looks like we’re not declaring bankruptcy for another couple of months! Send her over a couple Nightmare Before Christmas hoodies to say thanks.”

Here’s more of Avril leaving Good Morning America (in the foreground) and a bunch of hardcore frowny-faces (in the background).

(Pics via Splash)

I Can’t Look At You Anymore, Winnie Cooper!

Last month, Winnie Cooper was spotted dressed like a post-apocalyptic desert whore and I was really hoping that it was her new look, because the world would be a much more beautiful place if everyone did themselves up like a post-apocalyptic desert whore. But Winnie did herself up like that for Avril Lavigne’s video for “Rock N Roll.” Since then, I haven’t stopping screaming, “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEIIIIIII?”

Well, now here’s the finished product which also stars a Sony phone, Billy Zane, a bearshark and a drunk driving Doberman. At around the 2:47 mark, Winnie Cooper gets Urban Decay lip stain and Chad Kroeger’s ball sweat on her mouth when she kisses Avril. At that moment, Kevin Arnold got out of his chair and asked for a hall pass so he could go to the bathroom to cry.

That song. That angsty wail Avril lets out is probably the same sound every 13-year-old makes when their parents pull them out of bed on the first day of school. Even Billy Zane and Winnie Cooper can’t save this video. But I would’ve loved this video if it was silent and starred an actual raccoon instead of Avril.

via Videogum

What In The Black Swan Meets Emo Panda Hell?

Mrs. Chad Kroeger who’s married to Mr. Avril Lavigne (Tip: If you ever want to get into the backroom in Hell, just repeat those 9 words and you’ll get in. It’s the password.) has a new self-titled album coming out and this is the cover for it. This is some next level Taylor Momsen shit.  Bitch looks like a 14-year-old panda who’s crying while being interrogated by the police for getting caught snorting bath salts in the back of a pick-up parked in a Walmart parking lot. Wait, did I just say she looked 14. That’s a huge step, because she normally acts like she’s 12. Our little Emo is growing up!

via Facebook

The Hell Are You Doing, Winnie Cooper?

I can appreciate Winnie Cooper (born name: Danica Mae McKellar) doing herself up like a post-apocalyptic desert whore who gives sloppy hand jobs for canned peas at tank stops, but I CAN NOT appreciate her doing herself up like that for Avril Lavigne. I would expect this kind of foolery from Becky Slater or Lisa Berlini, but not Winnie Cooper.

For whatever reason (examples: bitch needs a quick check, she thinks this is a Make-A-Wish situation, etc… etc…), the Isaac Newton of this generation shot a cameo in Avril Lavigne’s video for “Rock ‘N Roll” in L.A. yesterday.  Avril didn’t only drag a piece of my childhood into her latest 8th grade talent show act, but she also dragged Tank Girl into it. If the Tank Girl movie and a Lip Service clearance sale used a factory-defected jar of Manic Panic Lube to have bareback ass sex in a Port-A-Potty at the Gathering of the Juggalos, Avril is what their butt baby would look like.

Winnie Cooper has officially entered the What The Fuck Years. What in the hell kind of math genius is Winnie Cooper anyway? Doesn’t she know that the answer to the problem Winnie Cooper + Avril Lavigne is: NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, Splash

One Step Closer To The Apocalypse: Chad Kroeger And Avril Lavigne Got Married (UPDATE: No, They Didn’t…Yet)

UPDATE: The unholy union of suck isn’t legal…yet. UsWeekly says that Avril and Chad’s “wedding party” was last night. Their actual wedding is tomorrow July 1st. What a magical Canada Day miracle!

Lucifer showed that he is real and has a real fucked up sense of humor today when the official unholy union of suck that is Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne became husband and wife in the South of France today. Yeah, this is why the sky is filled with black clouds, the ground is covered with dead birds and I’m burning my toes off every time I step outside. I’m burning my toes off because it’s at least 6,000 degrees in L.A. and that’s because the flames of the underworld are burning high while Lucifer’s minions celebrate this dark-sidedness.

When Chad and Avril got engaged last year, I figured it was just some viral marketing stunt produced by the Mayans and it was their way of reminding us that the world really is ending on December 21, 2012. When the world didn’t end, I figured Chad and Avril would quietly break up and our international nightmare would be over. But nope, UsWeekly says that Chad and Avril really did get married in an “intimate” (translation: nobody wanted to come) wedding in Cannes. Avril wore a gown by Johanna Johnson and her gay best friend was her maid of honor. Now I know that’s a lie. Avril obviously wore a custom-made fishnet and black latex gown by Hot Topic and her maid of honor was Emily the Strange. Chad wore a tuxedo by Affliction and a jar of AXE hair putty was his best man.

This is the first marriage for 38-year-old Chad and the second for Avril’s 28-year-old ass.

Well, the good news is that since it’s a long weekend in Canada, Canadians have an extra day to celebrate the marriage of their royal couple. And by celebrate, I mean laugh uncontrollably to keep from crying. All hail the Canadian Prince William and Duchess Kate!