Donut Enemy #1 Ariana Grande Apologized Again (But Still Didn’t Apologize To The Donuts)

Ariana Grande Latte’s career is on the brink of being buried under the donuts she contaminated with her unpatriotic saliva (not really), so she’s trying hard to dig herself out before the only gig she’ll be able to book is the headliner at an anti-donut festival in North Korea. The demonic Whoville child already released an apology statement where she said that she’s a proud American and then rambled on about super fat kids. Last night, Ariana tried the whole “I’m sowwy” thing again and in a video to her “babes,” she told them to throw her previous non-apology into the trash and she started over.

Ariana should’ve just said, “Donuts, I’m sorry. Donut shop owner, I’m sorry for lowering your health grade. Donut shop employee, I’m sorry,” but instead she went on a 4-minute-long ramble journey where she apologized, said the last apology wasn’t “relative,” apologized again, said she was embarrassed by her actions, apologized again, said that she’s a proud American and apologized again. Ariana’s face looks blown up in the video and that’s because just licking a donut gave her fat face. No, she had her wisdom teeth yanked out.

Ariana is already a known mumbler and so of course, her dental surgery made it worse. I had to watch the video with the captions on, because I couldn’t understand the wrinkled-up words coming out of her mouth and because it gave me gems like the one above.

I listened hard and read the captions and not once did I see the line, “I AM SORRY, DONUTS.” Therefore, apology not accepted! Try again. In the meantime, I’m sure Ariana’s entire tour will be scrapped and promoters will replace her with a humble nightingale who doesn’t hate donuts, is only a diva on the stage and has better hair, singing talent and enunciation skills. May I suggest this current Facebook superstar:

Now THAT is how you impersonate Mariah Carey, Ariana.

After watching that impeccable hairography, Beyonce texted the words, “You need a ride to the unemployment office, because I’m heading there now,” to Ariana.

(Thanks Jorge)

Ariana Grande Latte Hates America And Is Tainting The Country’s Donuts! ARREST THAT CHILD! (UPDATE)

Ariana Grande Latte is even more diabolical than we thought. The girl Damien in knock-off Charo hair has already wished a painful death upon her fans and she’s responsible for unleashing the poisoned pack of Pop Rocks known as Frankie Grande Latte on humanity. But that 22-year-old demon child has gone way too far this time and she must be stopped. I thought that Grande lattes and donuts went good together but not in this case.

A pro-donut American hero gave TMZ footage from the surveillance cameras inside Woolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA of Ariana Grande Latte and her equally-as-disgusting boyfriend Ricky Alvarez licking donuts without paying for them. They are the Nick Jr., donut-terrorizing version of Early and Adele from Kalifornia. This is some first degree donut-tainting too. It’s premeditated. In the video, the possessed Steve Madden bobblehead moves her shifty eyes around like a kid who’s about to do bad things before tonguing a donut. (“Ariana Grande tonguing a donut, you say?” – Subway Jared) It looks like Ricky does the same thing, which makes the Satanic hood rat stuff minion cackle with evil glee. Ariana and her dude also touch mouths in front of the donuts, which is just as gross.

It’s obvious that Ariana Grande Latte hates America since she terrorizes the symbol of America, donuts. But she makes it perfectly clear that she’s anti-American after an employee brings out a tray of fresh donuts. Ariana looks at the delicious, innocent donuts and says, “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.” BOYCOTT ARIANA GRANDE NOW!

The donut destroyer has already jumped on her pink Big Wheels and is backpedaling. “A source close to Ariana” tells TMZ that she loves America and didn’t mean to make fun of the obesity problem in this country (HA!):

“She’s a proud American. Especially in light of all the recent progress for equality in our country.”

Too little, too late. Ariana was supposed to headline the Budweiser MLB All-Star Game concert on Saturday, but she dropped out due to getting three wisdom teeth pulled. Please, like there’s any part of Ariana that has wisdom in it. Either she got dropped or the donuts fought back by giving her food poisoning.

UPDATE: The donut-ruining monster issued a longer statement to Buzzfeed about this highly important matter:

I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my county*. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should of* known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.

I guess she was ruining those donuts so that fat kids wouldn’t buy them and get fatter? Okay, yeah, whatever. But what I really want to know is, when is she going to apologize to the donuts and those of us who love donuts and don’t care if they make us fatter?

Ariana Grande Would Like You To Know She’s Nobody’s “Property”

Even though Mariah Carey’s travel-size equivalent Ariana Grande ended her 8-month long relationship with Big Sean more than seven weeks ago, people are still asking Ariana Grande about Big Sean and she is NOT having any of it. So much so that on Sunday, she hissed at one of her assistants/carriers to grab a pen and “Take a fucking memo” (I’m assuming) and tweeted a long-ass feminist-flavored rant bout not belonging to anyone and not being Big Sean’s “property.”

Before today, I never would have guessed that very sexy baby (copyright: 30 Rock) Ariana Grande would pull out a quote by Gloria Steinem in a Twitter rant about sluts vs. studs, but here we are. It’s like she listened to Christina Aguilera’s “Can’t Hold Us Down” for the first time this weekend while shopping for new ponytails, then rushed off to the library to check out as many books on women’s studies as her library card would allow. With that being said, Ariana Grande many thoughts on the subject, so prepare yourself for a whole lot of reading.

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Ariana Grande Latte Is A Cold, Calculated Breaker Of Hearts

Rhoda in The Bad Seed.. Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son…. Damien in The Omen… That corn field wisher in The Twilight Zone… And now you can add Ariana Grand Latte’s name to the list of evil children with hearts made of ice.

When Ariana Grande Latte isn’t powering up her energy bars of evil by picturing her fans dying a slow, painful death, she’s chewing grown men up and spitting them out like Gerber chicken and gravy baby food, which is just gross to her. She’s much more of a Gerber banana strawberry kind of baby. Playgrounds were filled with tears and WHYs a few days ago when Ariana and Big Sean dramatically announced that they are done with each other after 8 long months together. Everyone (aka no one) wondered what could’ve possibly gone wrong between junior high school’s answer to Diddy and JLo?! We FINALLY have answers.

A source (read: Big Sean’s pool noodle dick, because you know that bitch has a big mouth) tells TMZ that it was all Ariana’s fault. Big Sean is currently tagging the words “ARIANA IS AN EVIL BITCH” into the wall of the boys bathroom closest to the gym, because she really gave him the owwies in the heart area. The source says that these are the 3 things that led to the break-up of the century:

1. Big Sean did a show the night before the Grammys last February and it was the biggest night of his career and everyone (including JLo, the Biebs, The Difficult Brown, etc…) was there except for Ariana. She had to study for a geometry exam, or something. No, her excuse was that she had to prepare herself for the Grammys.

2. Big Sean went to see Ariana, like, all the time. He counted and everything. He went to see her 10 more times than she went to see him. Cold, right? Ariana even told him to spend tens of thousands of dollars on taking a private jet to see her. Sean grew up poor and doesn’t like wasting money. He always thought it was real “immature” of Ariana to make demands like that.

3. Big Sean thinks that Ariana is so evil and mean that she purposefully orchestrated that onstage cuddle session with Justin Bieber to piss him off.

What a bitch! I knew Ariana was extra shady when she called out Ruby’s cankles and split ends in front of everyone in third period. I wish it was Valentine’s Day again so that I could send Big Sean an anonymous candy gram to make him feel better. Sending him a candy gram would be a nice change from sending myself candy grams. Did I just say that out loud?

Big Sean And Ariana Grande Latte Broke Up After Only 8 Months And They’d Like You To Respect Their Privacy

Expect Naya Rivera to tweet something like, “I normally don’t, but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!”

Grade schools everywhere are calling in extra guidance counselors today to comfort the children who are traumatized by the breakup of playground queen Ariana Grande Latte and her boyfriend of 8 long months Big Sean. Elementary school cafeterias will be serving pot brownies for the next couple of days and not just because it’s 4/20, but because they need to calm down all of the hysterical, bawling chirrun who have lost faith in true love. Reps for the Monster High Monster Grade School dropout and Big Sean pulled out a melodramatic generic statement from the file marked “break ups” and gave it to UsWeekly:

“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends. We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: Queefing up a serious statement over a relationship that lasted about as long an extended fart or saying that they want privacy during this difficult time. I’ve had meals at Outback that have lasted longer than their relationship and now that I think about it, I got the super sads when that meal ended and I should’ve released a serious statement about it. But I shouldn’t laugh at the dramatic toddler and her grown boyfriend. You know how kids are. They celebrate their one week anniversary of going around, so 8 months is a lifetime to them. I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is crying out real toddler tears, because the MASH game said she was going to marry Big Sean, live in a mansion with him, have 45 kids, drive a crystal carriage and get a job as a fairy princess. The MASH game lied to her!

An “inside source” tells UsWeekly that Big Sean’s baseball bat dick stopped paying a visit to Ariana Grande’s billion dollar pussy a few weeks ago, because they decided that they should end things now since their touring schedules are going to keep them apart for the next year. Or maybe they broke up because their contract expired. Or maybe her daddy made her break up with him for saying he gives her the big D on Instagram. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is going to rebound with Justin Bieber. The Biebs better spend more time on the Playskool weight bench, because Ariana likes to be carried around and her 2 ton ponytail weighs more than he does.

Justin Bieber Tried To Run His Naptime Snuggle Game On Ariana Grande Last Night

No, you’re not looking at a blurry outtake from an engagement photo shoot between My Buddy and a Yasmin doll. It’s actually the swaggy kindergarten classroom hamster known as Justin Bieber making a surprise appearance during pocket-sized yodeling terror Ariana Grande’s show in Inglewood last night. I guess he had too much fruit punch backstage (sugar makes him hyperactive), because he started getting a little handsy with Ariana during their performance of “As Long As You Love Me”. Poor Ariana – it’s going to take at least 3 showers to wash the stank of Axe Jr. Lil’ Spritz off her skin.

Shortly after Justin Bieber started rubbing up on Ariana from behind, some people in the audience started doing the You In Danger, Girl shuffle, because Ariana is currently bumping parts with Big Sean. TMZ says shortly after this all happened, a tweet from Big Sean appeared on the internet that said: “That kid is about to learn not to touch my girl like that. Bieliebe that.” Of course, the tweet was later deleted, and a rep for Big Sean claims it was totally fake because apparently Big Sean and Justin Bieber are friends. Oh no, Big Sean, that’s the sort of thing you don’t admit out loud.

But that wasn’t even the most awkward part of the night, if you can beliebe it (yes I hate myself for typing that):

Okay Justin, we got it – you’re wearing big boy pants now. Put it away.

Here’s more of Justin working some sweet Kids Incorporated-approved moves at Ariana Grade’s show last night, as well as Ariana Grande looking like the grand marshal of a slutty figure skating costume parade:

Pics: Splash