Category: Are We Sure It’s Not Florida?
A Reporter Was Fired For Shitting On A Front Lawn While On The Job
I’m sure your first reaction after seeing the words “shit” and “front lawn” was to assume that this happened in Florida, but no, this actually happened in Arizona. I’m pretty sure if this happened in Florida, it would be accompanied by the words “…and then a methed-up gator slipped on it.”
The poo gone wrong story begins with a 33-year-old reporter for local news station KPHO named Jonathan Lowe. Jonathan was covering a story in Goodyear, Arizona on Monday when all of a sudden, his brain received a message from his colon informing him that here was a dump in his butt than needed to come out. Around 3:30pm, a witness claims she saw a man exit the KPHO news van, pick up several papers from the street, casually stroll over to a neighbor’s front lawn, pull down his pants, and proceed to let out a freshly baked booty cake. I wonder if before he did it, he announced “Jonathan Lowe here with some late breaking poos” in his reporter voice?
Once the witness realized what was happening, she called the police. She also didn’t have any trouble ID’ing the alleged poopetrator; the witness recognized that it was the same Jonathan Lowe from television.
According to a police report obtained and published by Jonathan’s now-former employer KPHO, Jonathan greeted the cops when they arrived on the scene and told them he knew what they were there about. Jonathan explained to the cops that the reason why he “took care of business” on someone’s front lawn was because he had been feeling sick and was stuck in the van all day. Sadly, Jonathan’s turds didn’t have to be public; a neighbor told police that if he had knocked on her door, she would have let him use her bathroom.
Jonathan was arrested and charged with public defecation. He was later released with a citation. No word on what happened to the dookie, but I hope other news stations had the decency to blur it out when the inevitable media circus arrived to cover the story. That poor doo doo didn’t ask for all this attention.
A Woman In Kentucky Bit Her Husband’s Face And It’s All Hilary Duff’s Fault!
Brandi and Ethan Lester of Kentucky were watching TV one night last month when a commercial came on. One of them said, “That’s Hilary Duff,” and the other one of them said, “That’s not Hilary Duff, you dumb fuck.” Instead of Googling to find the answer, they did the next logical thing: they fought until the cops were called. Well, at least someone was talking about Hilary Duff in 2015.
WYMT (via Gossip Cop) says that Brandi Lester must take her Hilary Duff-recognizing skills very seriously because she went crazy on her husband. She threw shit across the room and screamed at him. Ethan told the local news that he tried to stop the stupid fight by giving her a truce kiss on the cheek, but Brandi’s rage switch was still set to 10 and she wasn’t ready cool down. Brandi bit Ethan’s cheek. Ethan called the cops and Brandi was busted for domestic violence and she faces fourth degree assault charges. I bet that The Home Wreckers Association of America are going to make Hilary Duff an honorary member, because her chipmunk ass destroys marriages without even trying.
But now Ethan says that it was all a misunderstanding. Ethan only called the cops because he was afraid Brandi was going to hurt herself. He wants everyone to know that she’s not a violent person. She only becomes a violent person when someone tests her ability to recognize Hilary Duff!
The one thing we’re all probably wondering when it comes to this story is if Hilary Duff was really in that commercial. It’s the question of the year and it’s only January! The Sheriff’s Department must’ve used all their resources and spent hundreds of hours trying to solve that mystery, right? Wrong. They didn’t. Sergeant Belcher of the Pike County Sheriff’s Department said this to UsWeekly:
“I don’t know if it was Hilary Duff in the commercial or not. Everybody keeps asking me that and I have no idea. I don’t even know what commercial it was. He doesn’t either, I don’t think.”
And that dude calls himself a sergeant. He should turn in his badge. Shameful. But whatever, I’m sure we’ll find out the truth when Netflix does a 10-part docu-series about whether or not it was Hilary Duff in that commercial.
Meanwhile, as all that was going on, Hilary Duff continued to live her life by doing her usual hourly task of walking in front of the paps:
Pics: Wenn.com
When All Else Fails, Bust Out Those Moves
In L.A., car chases are a haypenny a dozen, so you really have to bring the fuckery hard to get your 15 seconds of infamy on the local news. This suspected car thief might have known that, because at the end of a car chase with police, she danced like the cameras were watching and like she didn’t have a care in the world (including getting tased or shot).
ABC 7 (via Uproxx) says that the Dancing Queen of the Streets allegedly stole a car and led police on a crazy chase through Downtown L.A. She ran red lights, weaved through traffic and was finally stopped when she ran over a spike strip. But instead of surrendering to the cops, the real-life Tammy got out of the car and gave the police a show by serving up a few moves to Future’s “Where Ya At?” She got back in the car and I’m guessing she was going to change the song and give the police a new flavor. The police didn’t want an encore, because they swarmed the car, pulled her out and arrested her. Way to stop the party, cops.
Suspected car thief dances during police chase in downtown Los Angeles http://t.co/uXZUMDx7IB
https://t.co/SdsHd8L6PH
— ABC7 Eyewitness News (@ABC7) August 27, 2015
When I first saw her face, I thought that Isabella Cruise finally had enough of that Scientology shit and snapped.
In case it wasn’t already obvious to you, Future’s future back-up dancer was believed to have been under the influence of something. Yeah, under the influence of LIFE and Future!
I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. Ellen DeGeneres will bring her on Ellen where Future will surprise her and she’ll get keys to her brand new 2016 Ford Focus!
Who Hasn’t Tried To Get Out Of An Arrest By Offering To Toss The Cop’s Salad?
So, you find yourself in handcuffs and the cop is about to take you to the police station to be booked. What do you do? Do you say “okay” and let the cop take you in? Or do you say “fuck it” and offer to glaze that cop’s wrinkled skin donut with your saliva if he lets you go? In the Choose Your Own Adventure book that is life, we’d all go with the second option, obviously. This salad tossing mess knows what I’m talking about.
The Smoking Gun says that 51-year-old Diane Thomas was arrested earlier this month for allegedly punching and scratching her boyfriend at their home. In a plot twist of all plot twists, this happened in Monroe, Louisiana and not somewhere in Florida. Diana told the cops that her boyfriend was a “bitch” and she only “beat his ass” because he hit her first. The cop wasn’t trying to her hear pleas, so Diane stepped it up. Diane said that she couldn’t go to jail because she has a good job and then she tried to save her good job by offering to give the cop another kind of good job if you know what I mean. If only Drake was the arresting officer…
“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”
Already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, Thomas was then hit with a felony public bribery count for allegedly offering to lick Corporal Ballard.
Thomas was subsequently freed on $5000 bond.
You know you’re in the gold circle (or should I say “brown circle“) of The Don’t Give A Fuck Club when you do the following things:
1. Say, “Officer, I will even lick your butt hole,” to an actual officer and not to a piece in a cop uniform while role playing.
2. Offer to rim a cop when you’re in Louisiana, it’s almost summer and you have no idea when is the last time that officer washed his asshole.
That is the face of a lady who is so fuck deficient that she’ll gladly take her tongue to Swamp Ass Town to get out of an arrest.
Lady Wearing An “I Heart Crystal Meth” T-Shirt Gets Busted For You Know Where This Is Going…
Damn, Amy Poehler, what happened?!
The Smoking Gun (via Death and Taxes) says that 37-year-old (….) Deborah Asher has joined the long list of people whose t-shirt matched the crime they were busted for. Deborah and her 57-year-old acquaintance Richard Rice found themselves in handcuffs after a drug bust in Laurel County on Tuesday. The cops found 3.37 grams of meth, digital scales and Deborah’s really subtle t-shirt. This would’ve been the crystal meth trifecta if it was Crystal Metheney who got busted for crystal meth possession while wearing a crystal meth fan club t-shirt.
I’m all for using your t-shirt to tell the world about the things you love (which is why I always wear my “I Heart Dick, Weed And Bea Arthur” half shirt to the clubs), but that t-shirt (and those brows) ratted her out! That t-shirt gave her away. She should’ve tricked the cops by wearing an “I Heart Broken Pieces Of White Rock Candy” t-shirt. The cops would’ve taken a look at the baggies of meth, looked at her t-shirt and said, “Eh, nothing to see here, it’s just broken pieces of white rock candy, which she hearts” and moved right along.
And yeah it goes without saying but she totally bought that t-shirt at Toys ‘R Us.
Hope Solo Pleads “Not Guilty” To Roughing Up Her Nephew
This weekend, gold medal-winning soccer star and former Dancing with the Has-Beens contestant Hope Solo went a little more lady thug than Ladybugs (I’ll show myself out fort that one) by getting drunk and giving her 17-year-old nephew the Maksim Chmerkovskiy special. According to TMZ, Hope Solo missed her flight in Seattle, and rather than hang out with a plate of fajita poppers at the Chili’s Too in the airport, a drunk and pissed-off Hope went to her sisters house. Hope, who puts the ‘-unt’ in the word ‘aunt’, accused her nephew of talking shit about her and hissed that he’d never be a pro-athlete because he’s “too fat and crazy” (I guess there’s only room for ‘too crazy’ in the world of professional sports).
The 17-year-old left the room and 32-year-old Hope followed right behind, calling him a “pussy”, to which Hope’s nephew told her to “get her cunt face out of my house”. That’s when Hope Solo went loco and started punching her nephew’s face and pulling at his hair. To make matters even messier, Hope’s nephew ran into a back room and came out with a BB gun pointed at Hope, but I guess he forgot his aunt has a deflated soccer ball for a brain, because she kept coming for him.
Hope eventually left and the nephew called the cops, but like 2 seconds after he hung up the phone, she returned to kick in the door and start swiping at everyone, including her sister. Her nephew grabbed a broomstick and started hitting his crazy aunt in the head, but it didn’t do any good and she kept punching and slapping. Eventually the cops showed up and arrested Hope Solo for confusing her sister’s house for a UFC Octagon, but she’s already been released from after pleading “not guilty” and claiming she’s the real victim after being assaulted and injured during the “unfortunate incident” at her sister’s. She’s due back in court in August.
DAMN! Han Solo, come get your long-lost daughter, because bitch is A MESS and needs some guidance. Then again, it might be more trouble than it’s worth. She’ll run off to the Mos Eisley Cantina, get next-level space drunk, come home, kick down the door to the Millennium Falcon, and rough up your wookiee. Then she’ll grab your gun, try to shoot you, and then when the cops arrest her, she’ll claim she’s just an innocent victim and that Han shot first.